i hate people that just talk talk talk. they don't know when to shut up. i have a boss like that and this one dude at work that thinks i like him, he's like that too. they just from one thing to the next and just talk. those kind of people are just lonely and don't have anyone to talk to when they get home, so they talk everybody else's ears off. it's really sad.

saw the island last night and it was pretty good. gonna have some fun on this four day weekend coming up too, hopefully, if everything goes right. we'll see though. if folks ac' right. i hate how people say "axe" instead of "ask" and "ac" instead of "act". whenever i hear stuff like that, the song "ghetto girl" by lil bow wow always pops into my head. whether its a girl or a dude saying it. anyway.

gonna go finish up this last day for the week so i can get the hell up out of here. holla!

jenn

IT'S FINALLY HERE AND I JUST SHRUNK UP AGAIN. I TRIED NOT TO DO IT THIS TIME, BUT I DID. ONE DAY I'LL GET OVER IT, BUT I DON'T KNOW. I REALLY HOPE ITS SOON. THIS ISN'T A GOOD THING.

HOLLA!

JENNY

i feel kinda stupid. i look kinda stupid too with my eyebrows gone, but they'll grow back, one day, and i'll never get them done again. anyway, i had such a busy weekend. had a lot to do. now i get to have fun this week, holla!

jenny

i'm so excited about next week!

holla!

jenn

it's early in the morning, i'm still sleepy, but have a whole 11 hours to go. oh my god, i hope i can make it. i've been doing 11 hour days all last week and then again this week. i get a break next week, but after next week, back to 11 hour days.

that's all i got.

jennifer

if it's not one thing, it's another with me. i need to get it together.

i was watching this documentary about aids....i didn't know they had indian prostitutes. india has more people with aids than any other country except south africa. i had no idea.

holla,

jenn

everything for me right now is just stuck. i'm going nowhere right now. i need to be doing something different.

yesterday, i almost ran into a no parking sign as i was trying to do a 3 point turn. i know how to do them, it's just that i got nervous cause another car was coming and i was taking up the whole road and was trying to hurry up and go, but i made it through it.

howard stern and conan o'brien are so funny. i have to watch both of them before i go to bed every night.

all right then, i'll holla.

jenn

this weekend, i bought one of the best things in the world. when i saw it in the store, i had to get it. it was originally $50, but it was half off so i only paid like $27 for it. it works and still looks brand new too. i got it from a thrfit store.

it's one of those really old wooden floor televisions. i'm gonna put it in my living room. it's so big, i bought it thinking it would fit in my car, but it was way too wide. so i had to ask the dude upstairs, and i hate asking him for stuff, to get his truck and take me to go get it. so i'm gonna hook the cable up to it when i get off work today sometime. it's gonna be so cool.

my car is really trippin. as soon as one light goes off...the "check oil" light...another one comes on...the "low coolant" light, even though i filled the coolant! what the "f" is that? anyway, whatever, i need to get a truck anyways. so other than that, my weekend was ok, it was so friggin hot all weekend though and it's gonna be in the mid 90s all week here, so i guess i gotta show a little leg at work. it'll be in the mid 90s but feel like its in the 100s with the heat index and humidity. it's gonna be crazy. i guess i'll have to stick with the ponytail all week cause my hair's just gonna fall anyways.

so i'm gonna go now. holla!

jenn

oh yeah, i had this dream last night that my teeth were all small and yellow and i pulled a couple of them out and they were sore and there was all kinds of caked up yellow tartar in between my teeth and they were just oozing. it was so gross. i think i dreamt it because i watched extreme makeover that night and this one lady had really small yellow teeth.

i hate it when people have all that caked up yellow tarter between EVERY tooth EVERY day...like they don't brush their teeth! that's so gross! i know a couple people like that. my friend lance's teeth are like that. i know they can brush, floss, pick or do something to that shit. it's just so bad to look at. so sickening. i try to look in their eyes when i talk to them, but my eyes drift down to their teeth. i find that i always look at a person's mouth when they're talking. i don't really looking into their eyes. i like to look at their teeth, their lips, whatever. i like teeth and lips. nice teeth and lips. can't stand really really really big lips and ugly, dirty teeth.

so yeah, just came back for that, holla!

jennifer

today is my last day with my sister. she goes back home today. she's been staying with me for the past month though. it's been so much fun. i'm gonna be so lonely again. and then josh started a new job so he'll be gone too. so it's just be me and the dogs. i'm thinking about giving the chihuahua away and getting a puppy. a puppy shi-tzu. a boy that i'll name fred. yeah.

i want to get a truck. i big full cab truck too, that seats 4 people, two in the front and two in the back.

well, i might be getting fired today, i've been making so many mistakes lately. my boss's boss got really mad earlier this week at all the people making errors. today is the big error meeting. hopefully i'll still have my job next week. if i don't blog on monday, then that's what's happened. i got cut.

i'm thinking about cutting my hair into a mullet. or a mohawk. but what's cool about my hair is that i can make a mohawk without having to cut my hair. i think i'm gonna wear one this weekend. it'll be crazy. i'm so friggin lame. no, maybe i'll get one of those really short boy cuts. not like fade short, i wanna have some hair, but really really short. the guys would stop harassing me then, or would they?

and i'm gonna try to get that lasik eye surgery before the year is over with. i really want that. to be able to see without wearing contacts or glasses. that would be cool.

anyway, gonna work now before i get caught on the internet. peace!

jenn

my job got threatened again yesterday. my boss had this whole big meeting with everybody saying our errors have to go down or we have to go.

so i've restarted my search for another job. i've been invited to go live in texas with my stepmom, she's supposed to be going there. i'm thinking about it. it sounds all right. when i lose my job here, i'm definitely getting out of charlotte. thinking about going to atlanta too, so it's all good.

ok, not much else to talk about, holla.

jenn

i'm thinking about getting that simpsons tattoo really soon. like in the next couple weeks. i think i might get it in my upper chest region. we'll see.

i've been watching a lot of documentaries lately. that's all i did over the weekend. i watched this one where they showed the facts how hitler was gay. but i don't know, the evidence on that wasn't that great. and i saw a few forensic files type documentaries. i saw some about people living with aids, gay white dudes who had like four black kids, all kinds of crap. they make all kinds of documentaries about anything. if i could make a documentary, it would show how much food fast food places throw away every single day. it's crazy. for the two days that i worked at bojangles, every night, they throw away pans and pans of food. they didn't let us take it either cause they said employees would start to make extra food to take home. it was such crap, but with all the food these places throw away every day, every year, they could be feeding millions of people. seriously. it's so bad.

but anyways, i gotta get started on these reports.

holla.

jennifer

you know, i hope i don't get any obscene comments on this thing again, really now.

my driving is getting so much better. better every day. soon i'll be able to go out and about as i please. go hang out with some folks i hadn't talked to in a while (brim, lang, raven, fallon) whatever.

i hate it when guys don't get the point. this one dude at work keeps trying to invite himself over to my apartment for me to cook for him. first of all, he's 28, he's ugly, he has the most nasty looking teeth i've ever seen, and he's shorter than me. then, he doesn't have a car, doesn't even have a license, so he wants me to pick him up to hang out with me. i don't think so. every day, i get the same email..."what you doing tonight?". uh..."i'm going to bed, i'm tired." everyday, it's the same email and i always give the same answer. when will the dude learn?

but this one dude at work is supposed to be taking me fishing sometime, but i don't know if that's gonna work out. he's the same dude that thinks i like him. the one that thinks i'm gonna change my hair for him. yeah right. he needs to get over himself. he's short and not even that good looking. i don't like short dudes. i'm short enough, i don't need anyone under 5'10. seriously.

well, ran out of stuff to say. gonna fire up this atlas so i can get started with these reports.

jenny

oh yeah, dkj, i haven't forgotten about you, i just have a problem with calling people and staying in touch with people. i'll call you. you can call me though you know. i'm always at home. come on now.

thinking about old memories with darnell in high school. calculus class (when i was scarred for life), debate tournaments (when i blasted you in that one debate when we went against each other), wendy's (i wiped your lip). really wish i could go back. darnell is the only person i talk to regularly from west. he's the only one who wanted to keep in contact with my anyways. that's so special.

anyways, can't be reminiscing at work. the number one rule here at TransUnion is "NO FUN!". we're not allowed to have fun, so i better go, holla.

jenn

i almost killed myself twice already trying to drive my car. once on friday and once on saturday. not on sunday cause i didn't drive it on sunday, but i'm sure today i'll do it again. but i am getting better every day.

so i need to make a little extra money to pay off old debts when i came up with this really good plan. i'm gonna auction off my virginity on ebay. i've already thought it out and the highest bidder gets to be the first one in my goodies. i think it'll go well into the five digits. then i'll have my schoolin paid for. i gotta contact ebay first to see if it's legal. i'm pretty sure it is. no, it's not prostitution! anyway, as soon as i get the details, i'm going for it.

ok, well i'm gonna start working now. i'll holla.

jennifer

i'm really gonna miss hanging with my buddies walking to and from work to the bus stop. lance and shawn. it's gonna be so sad, but today, i go to pick up my car. i told them, don't expect me to stop and give you them a ride when i drive by them every morning and afternoon. that today i was done with them. they were hurt, but what are you gonna do?

i'm so excited. i'm gonna miss those guys. maybe i'll still catch the bus cause we have really good conversations on the way to and from work. we talk about mexicans leeching money from the government and us, current events, drugs, strippers, whatever.

today, we talked about those bombings in london, yesterday, about martha stewart and lil kim going to jail, about how to split up an ounce bag of marijuana the other day. they are so funny. they teach me so many new words and things. never heard the words "dick print" until i started messing with them.

the one dude, lance, you can tell he's from the new york or new jersey, i forget which one, but he just walks out into traffic like it's nothing. he's so crazy.

they both like me, but then again, who doesn't? seriously though.

i saw this movie "seeing other people" and it really reminded me of me and lamar. it was so good.

anyway, gonna go work so i can leave early to go get this car.

holla!

jenn

very uneventful day yesterday.

i go to south carolina to pick up my car on friday after work.

thinking about getting another tattoo. i want the simpsons, all of them, somewhere on my body. each simpson in a different spot. yeah, i think i'll do that.

holla!

jenn

i was waiting for the bus this morning and my neighbor sees me, turns his car around, and holds up traffic trying to get me into his car. i don't need a ride from him! and i definately don't want him to know where i work. he already creeping me out with all his stalking.

and then this guy from work swears i like him for some reason. he says he doesn't like me wearing a ponytail as if i'm gonna go change it. that's all i'm gonna wear now. he really does think that i like him and thought i was gonna wear my hair down becuase he asked me too. dudes just don't learn. they just don't get it.

anyway, back to work. holla!

jenny

i'm supposed to be getting my car today, or sometime before this week is over. can't wait. so excited. gotta take some people out.

i had a good three day weekend. nothing really special happened.

ok, gonna keep is short and sweet.

shout out to darnell ("shrek-weezy"), i'll try to mention you a little more in my blog.

holla!

jenn

i had this dream that the game really liked me, but i kept shutting him down. and then i was sent to this one house and there was this lady there that was trying to rape me and turn me into a prostitute, but the game came in and saved me. after that, i was like, he's not so bad.

anyway, i've been thinking alot about this but scared to write it in my blog because of who reads it, but this is my blog and i can write whatever i want.

so i've been thinking about kissing daniel again. i've been thinking about it a lot too. i just called him for the first time since i moved to charlotte last week, after me and lamar broke up. i told him we broke up. but anyways, i really miss hanging out with him. he was fun. and funny. i think we need to get together soon and do something. he was one of my only friends. of course he was only my friend because he liked me, but i'll get what i can take.

ok, gonna go enjoy my last day at work before my three day holiday, so holla!

jenn

can't wait for the week to end. have fourth of july off, monday, so i'm gonna go home friday night, eat and shower, then go to sleep and don't wake up until tuesday morning. so i'm darned tired.

i hate asking people for help. but i had to call my dad and ask him to help out with my car. so i went and finally got the tags for it and got it registerd. now i can drive it...only if my brakes weren't fucked up. so i took it to a shop, have to pay $150 for inspection and new tires and then they were gonna charge $850 to fix my brakes. my dad is gonna take it today to get done all for less than $200. thanks god. hopefully i'll be driving in the next couple weeks, whenever the dude finishes my car.

so, anyway, gonna go back to work now. holla.

jennifer

what a day yesterday. i'm having a week. it's all f-ed up. i need sleep. car problems are a bitch. especially $850 car problems. gotta go work, holla!

jenn

all i'm gonna say today is...

maybe i made a mistake.

holla.

jenny

where did i go wrong? can't change the past. so where do i start. i won't go into details so i'm only gonna so that it's over for good. i'm done. me and lamar are no longer together and if i get my way, we never will be. i hate when people just walk all over me. it's so lame. but i need to concentrate on me now. i'm gonna stay single for a very very very long time, or try to anyways. i'm gonna start dating girls now though i think. i'm through with guys. who needs them right? i don't. yeah, dating a girl sounds fun. that sounds like a plan. hopefully it'll be a lot easier and a lot more fun.

anyway, that was just a bad period...a bad 3 1/2 year period in my life that's now over and i couldn't be more...relieved. i don't have to go through any more lies and bullshit. all the guys in my life were fucked up. i depeneded on them and loved them, but now i just HATE both of them. my dad and lamar. i can definately do without both of them. can make it just fine on my own. but it sucks that he...lamar...wasted so much of my time. i've spent over four years in two crappy relationships...lamar and daniel...only to have them fuck up and fuck up my whole situation. now i have to start all over. but i'm not gonna even go there again. and i am so so so so so glad i didn't give myself to those assholes. i would really be feeling stupid then. following your gut is so the best thing to do. so i'll guess i'll date around, but not get serious with anyone for a really long time then.

wow, this whole thing just has me so fucked up. some people are so lame and just needs to move on, which is what i'm doing with this last blog. after this blog, i won't keep rambling on about this whole fucked up situation anymore. i'm gonna throw it away. lock it out of my mind and out of my blog.

i wonder how many people read this blog anyways...i know at least two read it and a couple more read it occassionally, but whatever. my mind is wandering. had to come to the library to handle business this morning.

but i tell you what, changing the subject again, i know there's gonna be a huge bonfire on my patio tonight. a whole lot of shit is gonna get burned the fuck down. a whole lot of meaningless shit. it's meaningless now anyways. this situation is turning me into an even colder hearted bitch than i was...tried to be before. but it's gonna make me a strong cold hard bitch. and i'm ok with that.

whoever stays with the first person they fall in love with anyways? lamar is the first and now i know he won't be the last. there is no fucking way i'm ever gonna be with him again. he really fucked up and i hate him for it now. i really do. i went from loving him so much, him being the center of everything for me to hating him all in one fucking night. in a few fucking minutes. yep, it is possible. i know. it sucks too, but oh well, i will get over it after a while, like this weekend. with daniel, i didn't talk to him until a month after we broke up and i was so cool with him because he let me go before he even started cheating, which i respect. he was like 'jennifer, i love you, but i've been spending a lot of time with this person and want to try to make something happen with her. i want to break up with you.' that i respect. at the time, i was pissed off about it, but looking back, at least he told me when it happened and didn't string me along for 3 1/2 fucking years. (let's count the number of fucking profanities i use in this blog). but lamar. what an asshole. 3/12 fucking years. damn! such a waste. there were so many guys and instances where i could have done things, but being what i thought a girlfriend was supposed to do, i didn't do anything (except for the small 10 seconds of my life where i fucked up) but it was a small fuckup that i did. nothing like what he did. and he wondered why i didn't trust him or called him a liar!? ok.

the only thing that i'm gonna ask of my next girlfriend/boyfriend is that they just be honest with me. that's all i want, honesty. that is the number one most important thing that i NEED. and you know, i wasn't even sad when i realized that i had to let lamar go for good, i was just really angry. that's how i felt when daniel dumped me. not sad, just really pissed off. never got sad either. cold hard bitch. they wrote that song just for me i swear.

wow, i guess i write a lot when i'm upset. ok, continuing on...

i seriously just wanna pack up all my shit and just go somewhere where noone can find me. where no one can call me and just start all over. i just want to start everything all over. i am now on a serious job quest and i'm gonna start looking. i don't think i'll go back to school either. fuck that. fuck everything.

so what's next for jennifer...stay tuned! dun-dun-dun!!

peace out...

jennifer e. a.

you know, wearing my hear down feels so good. 99% of the time, i throw it up in a ponytail but every once in a while, i'll straighten it and it just makes me feel so much better. i get so much more attention. it's great.

so anyway, i had this NIGHTMARE last night.
i dreamt that i met up with crystal...roseboro. anyway, i asked her when the last time she hung out with lamar. she said they'd been going out for 17 MONTHS!!! i was like WHAT?!?! we've been dating for the past 3 1/2 years. what's really going on? do you guys visit eatch other? she said YES. WHAT?!?! do you guys make out? YES. WHAT?!?!? have you guys had SEX??? NO. wow. then we both decided to go see him, but we never found him. i was gonna kick his ass then kick her ass. but anyway, gotta go to work now.

holla!

jenn

wow, i haven't blogged in so long, but now i think i'll blog every morning before i start my work. a lot has happened in the past couple months. me and lamar broke up and got back together and broke up again because of this one heiffer, but we won't get into that.

i had a dream last night that my dad was this gay hairdresser and wanted to do my hair into this weird ponytail high up on my head.

my other dream was that i was walking and got home to discover that my feet were swollen. turns out these worms had gotten into my legs and i had to get my sister to pull them out. it was so gross.

anyway, going to work now. catch you tomorrow. peace.

jenn

i hadn't done this in a long while. what's up everybody.

well i moved out and now live in charlotte. don't live with my dad anymore. making it on my own and it feels sooo good.

anyway, i'll write more later, but as for now, i have things to do.

holla!!!

so me and my dad fell out...again. i don't even wanna talk about it.

i move in next week to my apartment. so excited. i'm supposed to be getting my license next week too. but we'll see what happens.

so me and lamar took that next big step a couple days ago...yep, we exchanged our email passwords. yep, i know that's what you all thought i was gonna say.

i'm jazzed about...nothing...just wanted to use the word "jazzed" in my blog.

so i'm gonna go to now, but first another...

STUPID QUOTE FROM SAM
(we were listening to some music and i was in another room and asked sam who was rapping on the song and she was reading from the tv and was like...)
"the notorious big"
-this girl actually said the word 'big' instead of saying b. i. g.

anyway, gotta go catch up on some sleep.

i'll holla!

today was a long day. my birthday is in next month. i'll be 20 on april 22. it's a friday. i'm gonna be so excited. not really gonna do anything special. maybe order myself a pizza and watch a good movie on cable. it'll be a friday so maybe me and sam will go do something. who knows.

anyways, i'm gonna go...gotta get up in the morning. so so tired now. my back really hurts. i was trying to life this really heavy bucket of water and just wore myself out. one more week and i'll be driving. thank god! i cannot not wait.

so i get my power turned on on the 21st and my cable turned on on the 26th. i get my license on the 21st too.

anyway, i just feel like i'm repeating myself.

oh yeah, there's a couple of bus drivers who keep tryin to holla. one is like really old and the other one is...well i don't really know how old he is, maybe late 20s, early 30s. i keep catching him staring at me. uh huh...anyways...gonna go call my boo now.

i'll holla!

so when i first got to charlotte, all these old dudes were tryin to holla. then all these young dudes tried to holla. now all the light skin dudes are tryin to holla. they holla in phases i guess. i guess next all the dark skinned guy are conna try to holla.

no, but there was this white guy at walmart who was tryin to holla. i said, hold up, be gone, i have a boyfriend.

there's this light skinned guy at big lots who hasn't tried to holla, but i know he's tryin to do something. he's a little older though and the last time i went to big lots to look at a bedroom set, he was there and was like, 'i hadn't see you in a long time, where'd you go?' i told him how i switched jobs and whatever. then i told him i'd come back in a couple weeks to get that bedroom set and he got all...eager. i asked him if they deliver and if i didn't have a boyfriend i would have asked him to personally deliver the mattresses if you know what i'm talking about. no, i'm just playing. but i'm pretty sure when i go there for the furniture, he's gonna try to hit up a phone number or sumthin.

yep, then there's this white guy from work. he's been really smiling a lot at me lately. ever since he saw this tattoo that i have, he's been just talking talking talking my head off. now i swear, i sat behind him for four months and he never said more than two words to me until this week when he saw the tat...now he just goes off. uh, huh, going international now.

anyways, enough of that. i had a really great long like five hour talk with lamar last night...i hadn't talk to him that long in forever...maybe never. just talking about all kinds of things but at 4:00, i was pretty much gone so i had to go...wish it could have lasted longer. really miss that boy. yep.

yeah, even though he's light skinned, i think i'll keep him. i think we can do some beautiful things together. to each other...wink wink.

so i've been trying to lose weight but its not really working out cause i can't stay away from the junk, the candy, the burger king. i try though. once i move into my apartment, i'll really try to discipline myself more and go to the gym at least three times a week. i'm gonna try anyways. yeah, i gotta do something. it's not like i'm getting really thick and fat...it's just that one little area under my belly button that's trying to stick out. i can't have that. and i have to work on my arms...i have no meat or muscle on my arms. can't even do one pull up. no upper body strength whatsoever...could never be on fear factor dangling from something caused i'd be the first to go.

here's a list a funny words that i always laugh to myself at when i hear them: coot, toot, dangle.

anyway, random thought.

and now i leave you with....

ANOTHER RANDOM THOUGHT FROM SAMANTHA
so we were talking about going to a parade...
jenny: yeah, so i might go to that parade on saturday, but i don't know. you wanna go sam?
sam: i don't know, depends on how much it costs.

she is really dumb.

i'm gonna go now. i'll holla!

so me and sam where sitting there watching jeopardy and this question came up:

category: farm math
question: georgia and north carolina's crops combine to make this percentage of the nation's strawberry's $50 million annual profit. (or something like that)
jenny: 6%?
sam: peaches?
that girl is really dumb.

anyway, so there's this guy from big lots....again. he's light skinned though. there's always a guy from big lots.

so there's this cop...from the bus station...there's always a cop.

so it looks like i'll be moving in a couple of weeks. i'm so excited...i gotta get my cable and power on, but after that the bachelorette pad will be open for business...if you know what i mean.

yep, doing big things now.

anyway, nothing to talk about. going to bad. try again tomorrow. holla!

sign that my little sister is growing up:

sam: is it raining outside?
jenny: yeah, you know what it's raining?
sam: no, what?
jenny: it's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men!
sam: well open up a window.

oh no that girl didn't! she's only 14! i could not stop laughing.

i haven't done this in a long while. but i think it's time to start this bad boy back up now that i'm starting big things.

so much has changed. i have my own apartment now. right now i'm getting it furnished and getting everything turned on so i can go ahead and move on in. i only have a living room set right now, but i'm working on things. i get my license two weeks from today...i'm gonna take the day off.

after that i'll be in my apartment. i can't wait.

so i'm just about done paying off ga state. 1000 down 2500 to go. after that i have to start saving up for fall semester at cpcc. after that i'm gonna save up for laser eye surgery so i won't have to wear glasses anymore. after that i'll save up for grad school. yeah, i definatlely have my priorities straight.

i think i'm going to new jersey in may to see lamar...if i don't have too many bills to pay that is. still haven't had the "S" yet, but we're working on it.

work is good. the money is good.

other than that...i'm just the same old jenny. ok, until tomorrow...

HOLLA!

christmas came and went. here's what i got:

a sweater way too big for me and an am/fm radio from my dad and mattie.
a trivial pursuit game board and a pair of watermelon earrings (the game board becuase i love board games and the earrings-i now have four pairs of watermelon earrings...can't ever get enough of those) from sam.
a skirt from josh that he let me pick out at the fashion bug for the discount price of two bucks.

and that's about it. i know, i am so lucky to get all this great stuff. it's what i've wanted all year long. yay!

anyways, yeah, i was being sarcastic. but whatever, i'm still kinda happy. this is what i got everybody:

this expensive hollographic caller-id globe for my dad and mattie.
a new pair of shoes for my dad cause he always wears these busted up joints that he threw away as soon as he got the new ones.
a pair of converse chuck taylor all stars shoes for josh.
a violin for sam cause she's been asking for one for a while.
and an unncessarily expensive coat for lamar, cause that's what my baby asked for.

after christmas, it was dinner at mattie's moms house. after that, a movie. my brother josh and our cousin shawn went to go see fat albert with josh's fat girlfriend. i don't know why he likes those ugly dark skinned fat girls, but i guess that's just what he likes. we all like different stuff i guess. me and sam saw lemony snickets. i thought it was gonna be good cause jim carey was in it and the previews looked good. it was such a waste of time. we should have seen darkness. oh well. now it's sunday and i have to go to work in the morning so good night.

jenny "what am i gonna do next" jenn jenn

less than a week left. i'm gettin nervous. the plane ride's gonna be scary too. especially after watching that show 'lost' every week.

anyway...i bought so many presents this year. i spent so much money. oh well, i'll just get it all back. i kinda like my job. the money anyways. looks like i might get back to school in january. i hope so.

my new years resolutions for 2005 are:
lose some weight
learn to swim
visit lamar more this year
get back to school
pay off georgia state
maybe move into my own apartment

yeah, that all sounds pretty good. i think i'll be able to do most of them anyway. well, tomorrow is christmas. i think i'll stay up and watch a few more movies with the family then head on off to bed. i gotta remember to pack this weekend too cause it'll be the only chance i have until thursday. ok, well, merry christmas and good night.

i'll holla!

jenny "pimpin" jenn jenn

i hate when people say stuff, but don't think of what they're saying first.

so i need to start registering for my classes for next month at cpcc but then i started thinking...i'm probably going back to atlanta, so why even bother? i should just wait till this summer, move back to atlanta with riche, get an apartment with her like we planned, get my job transferred over and my license transferred over to atlanta, and go back to georgia state for night classes and summer classes.

i don't know though, i have a lot to think about. i don't know what i really want.

anyways, i'm gonna go get a mcchicken now.

jenny "i'm rich bitch" jenn jenn

there's three things that i can't go without:

the mcChicken at mcdonalds
banana chips
hershey's cookies and mint candy bar

i can't get enough of them. i eat them like every day. anyway, i'm gonna go to bed now.

jenny "love that dollar menu" jenn jenn.

hey, when's subway getting that dollar menu? that's what i'm waiting for.

two weeks left.

anyway, it really looks like i'm going back to atlanta now. i heard some news and it looks like i need to go back home.

i don't know though. i don't know what to do.

you know, there are some really stupid people out there. at the bus station, i always catch this bus that goes down south boulevard aka "mexico city" and mexicans always get on the bus that don't speak english. well whenever they try to ask a question, these dumb guys always seem to think that if you call them 'amigo', then they'll understand anything you say.
'the bus goes to walmart'-man
'que?'-mexican
'the bus goes to walmart, amigo'-man
'oh, now i understand you'-mexican

not too bright.

i haven't seen my bus station friend lately. oh well. and the guy from proff at my job has moved to the exam department all the way across the room, but he still finds time to come by and 'visit'.

anyway, i'm going to work now.

jenny "what am i gonna do" jenn jenn

another three weeks before i get to see lamar again. i'm so excited. i can't wait to see him.

now that i got that out of the way...i need to get back to school really soon. i feel like i've been wasting a lot of time lately. i need to go ahead and move on to the next step in my life whatever that is.

and just something really random, i really wanna get laser eye surgery. after i get back to school, i'm gonna start saving up for it.

ok, well...me, sleep, bed, now. good night.

jenny "damn that bitch looks good" jenn jenn

so there's this guy that i always see at the bus stop. we both sit across from each other every night and he finally said something to me last night. but the crazy part is...he started talking to me like i was interviewing him to be my boyfriend or something. he was like "my name is jeremy, i'm 22, i work at the hospital, i catch the bus cause my car is broken down. i live by myself." blah blah blah. i swear, he said all that in one sentence. i would have been a little interested but there was just one thing...he looked just like my brother alan.

he looked so much like my brother that i was so comfortable talking to him. i'm usually all shy when i talk to people i'm not really close with, but i was just talking my head off to him, like i hadn't had anyone to talk to in months. i think he kinda likes me, but i ain't even goin there with him.

but you know, i always hook up with these successful, so non-thug guys. that's what i attract. good cause i don't like thugs anyway.

the funny thing is, there were two really ghetto girls in these tight jeans and tighter weaves sitting near us, but he decides to come up to me in my business slacks and dress shirt and dress shoes and talk to me. that's what i'm talking about. that's the kind of guy i like. the kind that doesn't even pay those ghetto girls no mind.

since i've moved back to charlotte, only guys will talk to me. i can't talk to these girls. i need some more female friends.

anyway, i'm goin to bed.

jenny "fish hook" jenn jenn

i have been cleaning for a straight six hours today. i was so tired.

anyway, so there's this guy at work and i think he likes me cause i work in data entry and he works over in proof and he keeps coming over to my desk trying to strike up a conversation with me. i'm the only one he comes over to when he comes to data entry.

he does the same stuff lamar used to do before we started going out. yeah, i need to stay away from him. he's not dark skinned, but he's not light skinned either and he's thick and i like that.

this lip piercing is healing so much faster this time than when i got it last time. i think i'm gonna get my nose pierced next.

ok, well i gotta go watch the simpsons. good night.

jenny "i need to blog more often" jenn jenn

i am so so so tired of charlotte and north carolina and south carolina already. it really is time to go back to atlanta. the guys up here in charlotte. when you tell them that you're from atlanta, they eat that up up here. "oh, an atl girl, huh?" uh huh.

i realize that i have a lot more fun in atlanta anyways so this summer sometime, i gotta head on back. that's home i guess. maybe somebody will come with me but i won't push my luck.

anyways...i'm thinking of coloring my hair again that light brown, but if i do it, it'll have to be like in january. i need something different.

yeah, i want a lot of changes. my hair, where i live, school, my body, lamar...

so goodnight.

jenny "cha-cha-changes" jenn jenn

i wish that i could just follow through with my plans. i never follow through on anything.

i think i wanna cut my hair...really really short. but since i don't follow through on anything, i probably won't.

anyways, i'm gonna go watch madtv and cheaters then drift off to sleep.

jenny "chubs" jenn jenn

i bought a 93 pontiac grand am. it's white with a red interior. it's actually pretty nice for a used car and i feel so good that i paid for it and worked hard to get it.

even though i don't have my license, i'm gonna drive the hell out of it.

oh, i saw cheaters the other night and it was so funny. this black lady got cheated on and she was cussing her boyfriend out and out of nowhere, she does this little dance while she's saying "get the fuck on" and she's just tripping. i laughed so hard at that crap. that's the best part of the show, when the person confronts their cheating boyfriend/girlfriend. that's when everybody starts acting up.

ok, i'm gonna go night-night.

jenny "i need to diet" jenn jenn

me and leniqua acting up...

Bkgirl323: did you get your license
JennWitch15: no, still got my permit
JennWitch15: i'll get it in march
Bkgirl323: that's real
Bkgirl323: a car and no license
Bkgirl323: I feel you
JennWitch15: lol
JennWitch15: right
JennWitch15: just tryin to keep it gangsta
Bkgirl323: lol

and then something lawrence has in his profile...which is sooo true...

Inspiration for all my Dark Skinned Brothers:
We're like a perm box, Dark and Lovely.
Bump these light-Skinned boys:-D

jenny "keepin it gangsta" jenn jenn

sometimes i ask myself why i even bother. boyfriends can be so "AAAH!" sometimes ya know. he just needs to follow through. ugh, i don't even want to talk about it.

anyways, my sister sam's birthday was today. she's 14 now. that seems a little weird. the little girl's gettin grown. i said little, that girl towers over me, but everybody does anyways.

i got a new job. i quit the value village cause i was offered something so much better. i now work for this credit reporting company. i sit in a cubicle all day and type up property deed reports for banks. so far it's pretty good and pretty easy. plus i'm making some good money doing it. thank god, cause i have so many bills that i need to pay off. i know my credit is just crap. oh well. it's only seven years right? yeah right. that's really gonna screw me up.

i think i'm gonna go back to atlanta in a year or so. i miss it now. and south carolina/charlotte isn't really doing anything for me right now. so the plan, i think, is to do a couple years worth of catch up work at cpcc and get some experience and time in at this new job, then get everything changed over to atlanta. i'll go to an atlanta school, and i'll get my job transferred over to atlanta (i'm so glad my job has a location in atlanta). yeah, that sounds really good. riche wants me to come back and to get an apartment with her, so that's just what i think i'm gonna do.

anyways, i gotta get up early tomorrow for that 9-6. geeze louise it's gonna be a long week. good night.

jenny jenn jenn

i am so so tired. i had a long week. but it's gonna be worth it.

jenny jenn jenn

the next couple of weeks are gonna be crazy for me. i'm so excited. there's gonna be all these changes.

but other than that, there's not really anything that i need to talk about so, good night.

jenny jenn jenn

i've been through a whole lot of changes lately. well only a couple.

i miss my boyfriend.

i saw "the grudge" today with my sister and we just hung out for a few hours. i had a lot of fun.

jenny "do you have a grudge?" jenn jenn

i'm back. nothing new with me. i'm going to bed now. oh wait, i got that one guy, lamont who keeps putting hands on me fired yesterday. i had to tell the boss that he was stealing, i was getting so tired of him not taking 'no' for an answer. had he kept his hands off me, i wouldn't have said anything to the boss about him and he would have a job today, but oh well. and if that ass steve keeps lookin at me, he's gonna be next.

-jenny "not playing any 'f'ing games" jenn jenn

you know when you go poop and then afterwards it hurts to sit down? yep, me too. it took me like fifteen minutes this morning to get myself together. i could barely walk.

-jenny jenn jenn

you know when you go poop and then afterwards it hurts to sit down? yep, me too. it took me like fifteen minutes this morning to get myself together.

-jenny jenn jenn

i really like my job, but the customers i could do without. they're really starting to piss me off. and now the store manager (my partner in crime and lawrence and mitch's uncle) is all mad cause the guy that i talked about in an earlier blog, lamont, the guy who keeps touching me, keeps stealing stuff but he can't catch him. i'm such a mole at work. i tell the store manager everything that lamont and a couple of other people that i don't like does and steals. i already got one heiffer fired (stephanie--i really didn't like her, she thought she was better than me), now i'm going for lamont. after he's gone, then i'll get rid of steve. i don't like steve either. every time i look up, he's staring at me. he's so fucking ugly and dumb. he's gotta be like 30 something, but i think something's wrong with him. he's so slow.

and so the customers are getting on my nerves. mostly the regulars. i need to wear a sign from now on that says "Do Not Fucking Tell Me How to Wrap a Plate, How to Bag Your Merchandise, What Tags are on Sale, and Do Not Ask Me to Double Bag Your Bag...I Have Been Working Here Longer Than You Have Been Shopping Here, I Know What I Am Doing. Thank You. -Jennifer" one day, i swear i'm just gonna take everybody out.

anyway, i gotta go do something different with my hair. these cornrows are getting really old and really old looking, i gotta go straighten it out now. well maybe tomorrow. i'm gonna shower then sleep...but after madtv and cheaters and jerry. good night. later.

-jenny "i'm about to lose my mind, up in here, up in here" jenn jenn

i need to lose weight. i feel so big.

i've had a headache all day from training these girls for the past two weeks for the new Value Village that's opening up next week. that was a mouthful.

i'm gonna go eat now. oh crap.

i can't wait til sunday so i can sleep in all day.

oh and "the grudge" comes out in like two weeks. i have to go see it. sarah michelle gellar and jason behr are in it so me and sam will see it the saturday after it comes out. that same day, i'm gonna get some work done. it's gonna be painful, but fun.

goodnight.

-jenny jenn jenn

my oldest brother israel has this thing for the big girls. now he can't be more than 160 himself but he likes the girls that are 300+. he showed me this picture book that he has of all of his old girlfriends in seductive poses. this book was full of all these big black girls just styling and profiling. it was really gross.

my second oldest brother c.j. has this kid by this mexican girl. the kid is 7 now but he looks like a baby still. he had hydrocephalus and he's still screwed up about it. i only met him once.

my other brother alan is in texas right now. he'll be in japan soon. he has a thing for the asians if you know what i mean.

my brother josh...i hope he graduates high school this year and does something about himself.

my sister sam is an albino...not really buti like to pretend that she is.

my brother t.j. is a little version of my brother josh.

i swear my sister katrina is gonna end up as a lesbian. she already told me so at the age of 9.

my brother mikey is so lame. he doesn't look like the rest of us, but i guess he is.

my brother landon, i miss him. he's pretty cool. he was so funny.

my sister jevonne, i really don't like her. she's a witch with a "b". i know i'm gonna end up fighting her. i don't know who she thinks she is, but...

anyway, that's it. i shared way more than i intended. i gotta go clean up now and get ready for work tomorrow. goodnight.

-jenny "if i had my mom's last name (Witchard) then i really would be a JennWitch" jenn jenn

so i went to work today. it was very uneventful.

there's been this white guy that's been coming in and he has this TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE acne! i swear to god, it's the worst crap i've ever seen in my life. this guy has pale skin and really red hair and he's really tall, but then scroll up to his face (that's so lame isn't it...i said scroll up to his face) and the skin around his nose is just so red and enflamed and all zit-ty. i swear the first time i saw him, i wanted to throw up. i even started gagging, i swear. he was kinda cute, but he just had the acne really bad. every time i see him, it just ruins my whole day and he's been coming in everyday lately. i really look forward to it tomorrow, really.

oh yeah, i gotta shave the dog tomorrow. he had mange, so i have to let the hair grow back even, so he's gonna get the lion cut tomorrow. anyway, i'm gonna go watch america's next top model now.

-jenny jenn jenn

i paid off like $400 in phone bills today and $200 in student loans. damn! i hate that so much. what a waste of $400. i'll know better next time. i won't get a phone cut on under my name for anyone else anymore. i'm so pissed off.

oh well. time to start saving back up.

-jenny "what a waste" jenn jenn

there's this guy at work, lamont. he calls himself having a crush on me. anyway, he always feels the need to keep his hands on me. he's always asking me if he can do all this stuff to me. i'm like, "hell no, my boyfriend says i'm not allowed to do that kind of stuff with other guys." and he's like, "well he's not here right now."

i'm seriously thinking about filing sexual harassment on him. ugh! he's so unattractive too. and he's old. well only 24, but too old for me.

anyways, i registered to vote. i feel so good about that too (i know, so lame). but i just gotta get to the polls in november now.

i caught up with an old friend today, leniqua. it feels good to do that every once in a while you know. there's that nostalgia again.

well i guess i should go find something productive to do since i don't have to go to work tomorrow. holla.

-jenny "so tired of it" jenn jenn

i was just thinking about this. when we were younger, i remember our dad being like really cheap (which of course he had to since he was raising four kids by himself) we used to have to take baths two at a time so it would be like me and alan and then josh and c.j. . whichever two took baths first were really lucky cause the last two had to get in the same bathwater. it would be all cold and dirty from the first two. and then i was the only girl there with my dad and three brothers in the beginning and having me bath with one of them...of course i didn't care at the time, but now it's kinda disturbing.

being the only girl, i guess i was spoiled a little. we would used to have to walk to wherever we went when we were younger cause my dad had no car, but my brother c.j. did have this bike so whenever we went anywhere, i would ride with my brother on the bike and my dad would walk alan and josh. i was such a tomboy. up until the end of middle school and the beginning of high school. i didn't play with barbies or dolls...i played with army men and toy cars and teenage mutant ninja turtles action figures. i remember me and alan and josh used to play with those action figures all the time. and then there were the video games. we were video game fiends. alan was always the best at it. he was really good. but it was nintendo, sega, super nintendo, all of the systems. i played in the dirt with my brothers and hung out with their friends.

i used to get into so many fights with little girls in elementary school. i was a little roughneck. i grew out of all of that though. yep, those were the days.

well, i'm gonna sleep...gotta get up soon for work. holla!
-jenny "those were the days" jenn jenn

i don't remember if i wrote about this or not, but i am so tired of people asking me my age.

today at work, while i was hanging up clothes, this lady asks me..."excuse me, but how old are you." 'i'm 19.' "oh, i was gonna say 12. you look like a little girl." what the...?

people think i'm between 12 and 17. really now. come on. is it the glasses or what? ever since i took out my lip ring, i have been getting 'the question' again. i used to get it before the ring, but now it seems that i have to get it back and something else a little more drastic, i don't know what yet. i'm gonna have to switch to contacts again and start wearing makeup. i think i'll try the transformation and by the end of october hope to have everything changed. i want to look like a different person. we'll see how it goes.

-jenny "shut the hell up with that" jenn jenn

since i have nothing else to write about, i'll tell a little about myself that a lot of people might not know. let's see:

*i was a cheerleader in the fourth grade
*i have a skin disorder
*i have seven brothers (israel-32'ish, c.j.-26, alan-21, josh-17, t.j.-12, mikey-8, and landon-1.5) and three sisters (javonne-24, samantha-13, and katrina-11)
*i have a chihuahua (kyra-1.5)
*i really like the simpsons and ren and stimpy
*i love to sing, but only when noone else is around to criticize me
*i want to sing on like american idol, or i'll just settle for an open mike at a bar
*i'm a really funny person (maybe just around the people i feel the most comfortable with...my family)
*i think i'm gonna be a forensic pathologist with my sister and start up a forensics company
*i really miss ATL shawty!
*i liked big anthony douglass in high school for like two years. he didn't start liking me back until senior year, but it was too late then. damn! he should have said something.
*i'm really not 5'3 at all...i'm only 5'2.75-d'oh!
*and the final thing about me is...i have a big ol' booty...yeah, i know it's hard to believe but i do. don't be hatin.

yep, that's about it.

good night.

-jenny "i'll never tell" jenn jenn

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. lots and lots and lots and lots of thinking. it's time for changes.

-jenn

black girls are just...i'm so speachless. what other race of girls will, no matter how short their hair is, manage to pull it into a ponytail? i swear every black girl i know can pull their hair into a ponytail no matter how long or short their hair is. and the girls with the shortest hair seem to wear ponytails the most often and at the farthest points on the top of their heads. we are so friggin ghetto.

we do a lot of ghetto stuff too. we are so loud and when we're not wearing out ghetto ponytails, we...i mean they in this case...wear these outrageously elaborate weaves. it's so ridiculous. we wear tight jeans and have big ol' booties and talk loud and get real and snap our necks and gum and get smart and we always seem like we want to kick someone's ass. white girls are afraid of us and afraid of talking to us or looking at us wrong because, even though we might be smaller than some of them, they think we'll turn on the bitch switch...which seems to always be on in black girls...and start kicking some ass.

i don't really like hanging out with black girls.

-jenny *really not one of those black girls because if i was, me and lamar wouldn't be dating cause i don't think he could handle a ghetto black girl with him being so...conservative* jenn jenn

so i told lamar that i'm getting a little chubby, or he read it in the blog and he's like, 'you should do some crunches then.' what the hell!!! he wasn't supposed to say that. and he didn't even hide the fact that he wasn't even joking with me. but you know what, i am not worried about him at all. even if i was fat, i could still pull a dude, OK!!!

anyways, that's it i guess. i gotta go watch america's next top model now. i'll holla.

-jenn

so i've been gaining a little bit of weight this past year. i need to tone down what i eat a little. i usually eat candy for breakfast and lunch and then junk for dinner, so i need to cut that out.

i've been getting chubby in all the wrong places. my stomach is exploding when i really wish it would go to my chesticles. and don't let me get started on my thighs and hips. boy oh boy. that thing is like KA-POW!!! i mean, damn. but what am i saying, i never hear any guys complaining if you know what i mean (wink, wink).

seriously though, these hips that i have, damn man! they're out of control. the guys don't know how to act when i put on "those jeans". girls know what i'm talking about when i say "those jeans". those pair of jeans that you wear that just show all the goodies. oh yeah. i have so many of those jeans. uh huh. i know exactly what i'm doing.

but anyways, let me stop being all conceited.

i'm actually gonna go to sleep now. ta-ta.

-jenny "from the block with them big old hips and that big ol' booty, especially when she wears 'those jeans', damn!" jenn jenn

there are just some really beautiful people in this world.

gavin degraw is one of them.

gavindegraw.com

nothing new so i leave you with a joke.


German, an Italian and a Redneck were on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:1.. to be shot2.. to be hung3.. to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus. So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with thisguy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"

-jenn

a couple people at work have been asking me if i had a cold or a stuffed nose. "uh, no! this is just how i sound!" i do not even sound like i'm stopped up. i was so offended. whatever though.

i went to get my 'permit' today. the picture looks so bad. it is so lame that in south carolina, even if you're over the legal age of 18, you still have to get your permit for 6 months before your license. that is so lame. so if you were 55, you would still have to get your permit before your license. it's all good though. so the day before i turn 20, i can finally get this darn license.

i'm gonna sleep now. tomorrow.

-jenn

my sister's dog has mange and it's so bad. i feel so bad for him.

not really anything new in my life.

i really like my job.

i wish i made more money.

i want what i deserve.

i wish i could read lamar's mind.

i need my own place again.

i love reading romance novels.

2+2 and 2*2 both equal 4.

i'm going to sleep now.

-jenn

yeah, so at work the other day, this lady gets all mad cause she had just spent over $50 and after one of my coworkers cashes her out, she decides that she has spent too much money and wants to return some stuff for her money back. well our policy is no refunds, only exchanges on clothes. she starts cursing at the cashier that she hasn't even left the store yet and tells me to call the manager so i do. now this lady, who is a stripper, comes into the store every week with a fucking attitude. so the manager comes and says no refunds, only exchanges. that's when that heiffer really took off.

she starts getting loud and cussing. this ghetto black girl starts talking about how two weeks ago, her purse had gotten stolen from our store. she talks loud, then leaves to talk loud and cuss in the parking lot. the manager follows her and she makes up this elaborate story that she left her purse with me when she came into the store (all customers must leave bags, not purses, with me when they enter the store) and when how she got it back, her wallet, money, driver license, and credit cards were all missing. i had stole them. that's when she decided to call the cops on me. two weeks later and only after she was refused a refund. well, the cops never showed up to arrest me. oh well, i was really looking forward to the handcuffs and ride in the back of the police car. maybe next time then.

oh yeah, i'm having a lot of fun driving around with her license. thank god i stole one, i really needed a stripper's license and all of her money.

off to work now.

-jenn

at work...the mail man is stalking me. when he comes in every day he always comes up behind me trys to touch me. he always has to make sure that i see him.

old black guys love me at the value village. they love to flirt, but one older guy took it too far and i had to get real with him and i told him, after he came up from behind me and touched my lower back..."don't you ever put your hands on me like that." i think i hurt his feelings when i said it but i don't give a shit cause he crossed the line. i don't like people touching me. i had this bad experience with this older guy putting his hands on me when i was younger, but maybe i'll share that later.

well, i'm sleepy. i'll be dreaming about karamo's butt crack tonight. oh yeah! i'll have to shower in the morning after that one. :)

-jenn

last night, i saw something that just boggled my mind. i was watching the real world philadelphia and they only showed the black guy, karamo, for only like five seconds for that whole episode. but when they did show him, oh...my...god.

now, i know he's gay, but geeze louise! he had this towel on and when he turned around and i saw that towel all low on his hips and saw that hint of his butt crack, i almost shook myself out of my seat. i was blown a-way. i had to stop to catch my breath for a little bit. oh my jesus, that man has such a beautiful body. what a waste.

ok, i'm back to my senses now. that really got me feeling happy and in such a good mood. it took my mind off of a lot of stuff. i've been thinking about that butt crack all day. damn!

-jenn

i'm still taking it one day at a time.

if i ever have twins, whether they're boys or girls, i'm gonna name them Frick and Frack.

-jenn

i read this funny joke today, but i'm still in a shithole depression.


JOHNNY AND THE CRABS

Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how to get rid of them. He found that there are three options.

1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.

2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first half.

3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.

i still feel bad thougn.

-jenn

today, i was coming home from work and i saw this rabbit get hit by a car...it's brains all over the road as it rolled across the street lifeless.

it reminded me of the shithole that is my life.

-jenn

there's gotta be a solution. this can't be the end. i feel so so so hopeless.

-jenn

i just can't win.

-jenn

for the past year, i have been so depressed. and when people ignore me, i get even more depressed. i feel so fucking wasted. i'm just so so lost.

over this past year, i've been so depressed that when i went to sleep at night, i would pray to god to not let me wake up in the morning. over this past year i've been having these thoughts like what it would feel like if i took a knife to my wrists and how long and how deep i could cut that knife into my arms before i would scream and wince in pain. i would imagine how it would feel to take a gun to the side of my head and just pull the trigger. how it would feel to jump off a very tall building...laughing on my way down. how it would feel if i swerved into oncoming traffic as i was driving. thoughts of a suicidal maniac right? i feel so low. i can't take it anymore. it's been a whole year of this and i've had enough.

i'm just wasting away. i have noone to talk to or confide in cause i'm such a loser. i'm sitting here on this fucking computer typing to noone. my problems being heard by noone. i can't seem to find my happiness. i wish i could just go somewhere really far away and not let anyone know where i am. if only for a little while. where can i find my peace?

it seems like everybody is succeeding in their lives but me. why not me? what did i do that was so wrong? FUCK! i'm really going through some shit. i can't find a place to be happy. i'm not happy here, i'm not happy there. what do i have to do, dammit?!?! oh, god. my depression constantly turns into unwarranted anger. extreme anger at times. i lash out at everybody or just keep it all bottled in to the point where i start to ache. i find my self crying for no reason all the time now. everyone that i know would be so surprised to hear all this crap coming from little old me, but that just shows how good people know me. i can't get close to anyone. nobody really knows who i am. it's my own fucking fault. i'm so goddamned shy. it's sick. i'm sick. i can't help it though.

people used to talk about me all the time in elementary and middle school. nobody liked me. all my hair fell out in middle school and that made it even worse. then when i finally got to high school it got so much better. but when you hear someone you love going off on you and just saying such hurtful bullshit things, it's wicked man. you don't know how bad it hurts. who's on your side if your family and the ones you love aren't? i'm just so confused, hurt, and so so tired. i want the happiness that everyone else has. why can't i have that?

what would it feel like if i tied a belt around my neck and hung it from the ceiling and jumped? i'm breaking down man. i'm breaking up...i'm breaking away. let me go to sleep now, i'm getting a headache.

tonight, i hope god lets me sleep for a long long time.

jenn

i haven't blogged in years, but i felt so compelled to do it tonight cause i really hate this bitch. no, i really do love her though, but i hate her fucking guts.

JennWitch15: wow, well _____, me (jennifer a.), lang, brim, rebecca, and amanda m. are very upset that we were not invited to the wedding...well i am anyways, email me...here. i wanna know what's goin on wit cha chick.

______ is no longer idle at 8:49:32 PM.

______: hey guys!!!

______: I dont think I knew you guys had my SN

______: that is cool

JennWitch15: it's just me, jennifer

JennWitch15: but yeah

______: hehe, are you in school? where at?

JennWitch15: no, i like took a year off, but after grad...i went to gsu for a semester

JennWitch15: i'm in charlotte now

______: ah I c...ya, I am taking the opposite route, trying to get it done as quick as possible..I am a junior now...just trying to get on my way since I have medschool and crap to get through

JennWitch15: wow, well that's cool i guess

JennWitch15: so you're gettin married huh

______: yah, I have been engaged since november, and planing the wedding since may...we have gotten alot done, so I am happy now...b4 I was just stressed

JennWitch15: aww

JennWitch15: to that old...er guy

______: yah :-) ___

JennWitch15: that's so sweet

JennWitch15: well congratulations

______: thanks...yah, It's going well...dont get me wrong, sometimes I want to strangle him, but that is what happens when you fall in love with your best friend...he and I were great friends since I was 14, so it just kinda all made sense when I turned 18 and...well you know the rest :-)..everyrelationship takes work, but he makes me happy..thats what's important

JennWitch15: well i am so happy for you then, i really hope it works out

______: thanks..what about you...you and lamar still an item...or is that ancient history

JennWitch15: still going out...after almost three years

______: that is great,where is he now?

JennWitch15: he's still in new jersey...we're trying to work it out

______: that is good, you guys were always cute together

JennWitch15: aww, thanks

______: so, are you working during this year off?

JennWitch15: yeah, trying to pay off all that out of state tuition for georgia state so i can transfer my records somewhere here in north carolina in the spring, i don't know where yet

______: where are you working?

JennWitch15: at a thrift store in charlotte and next week, i start at bojangles in south carolina

______: well, arent you a traveling girl :-)

JennWitch15: don't you know

JennWitch15: so are you working

______: if you count 15 hrs of class, 11 hours of labs, volunteering at the hospital, doing research for my thesis, doing research for the english department, and being a TA in chem labs...then ya hehehe....well I get paid for being a TA and the research ing english...but I really dont have to, because my scholarship covers all of my needs..thank god

JennWitch15: oh yeah, that's right...that's a lot of work though

______: yah, I manage, I like most of it...except the thesis work...that is excrutiatingly boring

JennWitch15: i am so sure it is

______: im writing something

JennWitch15: on what

______: on the I?M

JennWitch15: oh

______: hey, I am so sorry, _____ just tackled me and started writting

______: he was tickling me

JennWitch15: wow

JennWitch15: that's soo disturbing

______: heheh

______: no...he just likes to type stuff to make people think I am a retard

JennWitch15: uh huh

______: heheh

______: I dont know what " I am writing something" was suppose to mean..but apparently it worked

JennWitch15: oh it did

______: hehehe

JennWitch15: well anyways, i got lots to do in the morning...i'll holla at ya later

______: ok nice talking to you..._____ says bye :-)

JennWitch15: ok, bye _____, later ______

______: bye

______: have a good night!!!

JennWitch15: i'll try!!! be good



but i guess ______ is pretty cool with me though. maybe i'm just hatin.

jenn

ok, so i have a new apartment now. i just could not live by my step mom's rules so i got the 'f' out. i live with this african girl named Yaa now. she's pretty cool so far. she says she's quiet just like me and doesn't like a lot of noise, just like me. that's pretty good. it's almost a new year. one more day in 2003 and i could care less. i feel like such a loser now that high school is over with. in high school, i felt that i was somebody important, but out here in the real world, i'm a nobody again. it took me three and a half years to be half way cool at west meck and now i have to start right back over again. and since i'm making zero progress, i think i need to move back to charlotte and go to chapel hill or unc charlotte or just move closer to lamar. i have no other options other than to stay here and rot away. i'm so depressed now.

ok, so my new years resolutions are to :

brush my teeth at least three times a day instead of twice a day (i have this obsessive compulsive thing where i feel like i always have to brush my teeth now, i don't know what it is.)
work out for like 30 minutes at least twice a week, maybe three (yeah right, like this is gonna happen)
save up for a car
save up for tuition

me and lamar will have been going out for two years exactly tomorrow night at like 10 pm. that's so special. it lasted two whole years. i'm so proud of us. watch, when we break up, i'm gonna be all akward about writing this. anyways, i love him, so it's all good.

so i go back to school on jan 12. well that is if my dad gets this $3500 to me in the next two weeks. if not, i'll be working until august to get this money together for the next semester, which should actually be free since i'll have this HOPE scholarship. but we'll see what happens. as for now, i'm just trying to get stuff for my new apartment. i'll only be living there for six months though and then me and this girl that i know from work and that used to live upstairs from me, Porlisha, are gonna be moving into some cheaper, but just as nice, apartments. she's gonna be going to school for fashion marketing so she and i decided to move in together for a while. she'll be in school for four years and that's about how long i'm gonna be at georgia state, so it all works out. now i'd much rather be living with my boyfriend somewhere like riche is, but i guess i lucked out on that one huh. oh well, maybe in another life. ok then, i'm gonna go to sleep now cause i just can't seem to keep my eyes open. i'll holla.

jenn

you don't know me. you have no idea of who i am. nobody does. they think they know, but they have no 'f'in clue.

jenn

so i've been looking for a roomate for like the past week and a half to move in with right? i go to roommates.com and i put my profile up or whatever and i get a few responses, but some people too far from my job for me to live. well most of my responses have come from women, but this one freak. this guy sent me this email:



Hi Jennifer,

Here is my info and my picture.

I have a large 3 bedroom 3.5 bath brand new luxury townhouse located in
Dunwoody 1.5 miles from Perimeter Mall in an upscale gated community. My
place is over 3000 sq. ft and there is plenty of space. The room for rent
is large with lots of closet space and has a private bath and balcony.

I'm a 30 yr old professional white male who is honest, outgoing, clean,
considerate, layed back and a great roommate. Another bonus about me being
your roommate would be I even give a great foot massage and actually love
giving them, I would massage and pamper your feet for you everyday all the
time if you like foot massages and your feet are cute lol.

Let me know what you think. Have a great day!

wow.

jenn

leniqua is my bestest friend. i can talk to her about anything. she's so cool, i love her.

so anyways, here's our latest escapade.

Bkgirl66: hey
Bkgirl66: what are you still doing up
JennWitch15: wassup chick
JennWitch15: just chillin
JennWitch15: shopping on ebay
Bkgirl66: what the hell are you buying on ebay
JennWitch15: parrot earrings
Bkgirl66: don't you have some already
JennWitch15: yeah, but i'm getting like 20 more different pairs
Bkgirl66: why
JennWitch15: i'm collecting them
JennWitch15: l-dub?
Bkgirl66: yeah
JennWitch15: what's up shawty
Bkgirl66: nothin' nothin'
Bkgirl66: just chillin'
JennWitch15: i feel ya
Bkgirl66: what are you doing
Bkgirl66: still trying to add to your collection
JennWitch15: yeah
Bkgirl66: fun
JennWitch15: it really is
Bkgirl66: you're funny
JennWitch15: hey, everybody collects things
Bkgirl66: yeah I collect guys numbers
JennWitch15: lol, i'm so sure
Bkgirl66: no I'm joking
JennWitch15: uh huh
Bkgirl66: actually right now, I'm trying to get with this guy that goes to state
Bkgirl66: I like him alot
JennWitch15: aww
JennWitch15: good
Bkgirl66: he graduated from garinger
JennWitch15: uh oh...garinger what what!
Bkgirl66: he's really funny
Bkgirl66: he trips me out so much
JennWitch15: aww
JennWitch15: that's good
JennWitch15: i'm so proud of you
Bkgirl66: he's alot like me
JennWitch15: oh yeah?
JennWitch15: what's his name
JennWitch15: lawrence?
Bkgirl66: ha ha ha
JennWitch15: justin?
Bkgirl66: NO
Bkgirl66: def. not
JennWitch15: uh huh
Bkgirl66: his name is Xavier
JennWitch15: oh god
JennWitch15: two ghetto names together
Bkgirl66: what
Bkgirl66: what the F
Bkgirl66: get up off my man
JennWitch15: you know
JennWitch15: child boo
Bkgirl66: how is Xavier ghetto
JennWitch15: it's ghetto sweetheart, ok, and you know it
Bkgirl66: no I know some ghetto-ass names
Bkgirl66: I mean I know my name is ghetto
JennWitch15: and xavier is too
Bkgirl66: but what do you expect, my mom was young and from brooklyn
JennWitch15: uh huh
Bkgirl66: but I don't think xavier is at all
JennWitch15: well ok then
Bkgirl66: its the same name as the professor in x-men
JennWitch15: i know
JennWitch15: but that don't mean nothin
Bkgirl66: yeah it does
JennWitch15: all right then
Bkgirl66: yeah I wore you down
Bkgirl66: you know the deal
JennWitch15: yeah right...i'm just tired
JennWitch15: i would have won any other day
Bkgirl66: believe that if you want to
JennWitch15: lol, whatever
Bkgirl66: what are u doing up anyway
JennWitch15: i told you, shopping on ebay, but now i'm going to bed
JennWitch15: wait, what do you get a guy as a gift
Bkgirl66: cologne
JennWitch15: really
Bkgirl66: boxers
Bkgirl66: shirt
Bkgirl66: depends on what kind of guy
JennWitch15: well what should i get lamar
Bkgirl66: a naked pic of yourself
Bkgirl66: no wait, that's what I'm getting him
JennWitch15: child please
JennWitch15: lol, no you didn't
JennWitch15: see, we're gonna have to really fight now
Bkgirl66: whatever
JennWitch15: ok, ok
JennWitch15: we'll see
Bkgirl66: you ass all the way in georgia
JennWitch15: i'll come up there just to whoop you up
Bkgirl66: bring it then
JennWitch15: ok, just wait right there

......THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION HAS BEEN EDITED OUT TO PROTECT THE NAMES AND IDENTITIES OF THOSE INVOLVED.....

Bkgirl66: no I don't
Bkgirl66: did I write that
JennWitch15: yes...in my mind
JennWitch15: lol, i bet you were scrolling up to see too
Bkgirl66: yeah
Bkgirl66: damn, you know me well
JennWitch15: uh huh

......THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION HAS BEEN EDITED OUT TO PROTECT THE NAMES AND IDENTITIES OF THOSE INVOLVED.....

JennWitch15: oh wow
Bkgirl66: yeah
JennWitch15: so 'd' dramatic
Bkgirl66: well its her
Bkgirl66: her middle name is drastic
Bkgirl66: omg, could you imagine naming your child drastic
JennWitch15: i know right
Bkgirl66: eww
JennWitch15: lol
JennWitch15: almost as bad as brook lyn
Bkgirl66: what the "f"
Bkgirl66: get up off my daughter's nam
JennWitch15: uh huh
Bkgirl66: name*
JennWitch15: if you can call it a name, whatever
Bkgirl66: you better be lucky your ass in georgia
Bkgirl66: because you asking for it
Bkgirl66: first you talking about my man
Bkgirl66: and his name
JennWitch15: girl...whatever
Bkgirl66: now its my daughter's name
JennWitch15: yeah, and what
Bkgirl66: Eunice, you need to stop trippin'
JennWitch15: all right now do-rice
Bkgirl66: 'fore you get dealt with
JennWitch15: uh huh, you ain't ready you ain't ready
Bkgirl66: oh I'm ready
Bkgirl66: the question is if you ready
JennWitch15: i'm always ready
Bkgirl66: I find that hard to believe
JennWitch15: whatever
Bkgirl66: I have a question for you
JennWitch15: wassup
Bkgirl66: are you and lamar getting married
JennWitch15: i don't even know, i'm only 18 that's all i know...i still need to live
Bkgirl66: wow, you're not thinking about marriage
JennWitch15: nope
JennWitch15: not at my age
Bkgirl66: I guess that's good
Bkgirl66: well I'm thinking about it
JennWitch15: yeah, it's way too early
JennWitch15: really
JennWitch15: you're only 18
Bkgirl66: so
Bkgirl66: Amanda is already married
Bkgirl66: and Nat is engaged
JennWitch15: i know
JennWitch15: and so many other white girls
JennWitch15: but we are black girls
JennWitch15: we can't be doing that stuff
Bkgirl66: Cynthia was engaged
JennWitch15: for real
Bkgirl66: yeah
JennWitch15: well..."was" engaged
Bkgirl66: I say that because i don't know what happened
JennWitch15: oh ok
JennWitch15: wow, ok then
Bkgirl66: yeah
Bkgirl66: but I think about marriage all the time now
JennWitch15: that's so crazy
JennWitch15: you don't even have a boyfriend and you're thinking about it...look at me
JennWitch15: something must be wrong with me then
Bkgirl66: yeah you're probably right

......THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION HAS BEEN EDITED OUT TO PROTECT THE NAMES AND IDENTITIES OF THOSE INVOLVED.....

JennWitch15: yeah
Bkgirl66: like seriously
JennWitch15: i guess so
Bkgirl66: ok but I'm talking to Xavier now, so I gotta go
Bkgirl66: bye
JennWitch15: you are so wrong for that, but bye
Bkgirl66: but you love me anyway
Bkgirl66: he needs my full attention
JennWitch15: uh huh
JennWitch15: i gotcha
JennWitch15: bye girl
Bkgirl66: bye

we are so great together.

well vlonerius hasn't been seen in a while. i don't know what's up with that. who knows?

and i finally see why lamar was so upset why i said i would never have sex with him. leniqua cleared it all up for me. she's so friggin smart. i oughta send her flowers or something one day. but yeah, so i gotta give lamar a phone call or something and apologize again. but that's my baby, he knows i love him regardless. ok then, well i just got off of work hours ago and i need to take my 'a' word to bed. holler.

jenn

yeah, so riche had a 'pregnancy scare'. scary scary. but enough about that. here's something a little more interesting...to me anyways:



Jenn says:
dad, are you still up
Cass says:
yes I am
Jenn says:
you are too old to be up too late
Cass says:I'm up taking some Geritol
Jenn says:
you sure need it
Cass says:
at least I am looking for the bottle
Jenn says:
ask mattie to change your diaper before you go to bed too
Cass says:
you are late baby girl.
Cass says:
She has already changed it and powdered me down too!
Jenn says:
lol, dad, you are so non hetero
Cass says:
and you are so lesbo
Jenn says:
lol, oh my goodness
Jenn says:
i cannot believe you just said that
Cass says:
Why, yo mama one....
Jenn says:
all right now, you don't want me to hurt your feelings
Cass says:
shoot for the gusto baby girl
Jenn says:
no, i'll save it for next time dude
Cass says:
Gee! Thanks for being gentle...
Jenn says:
you're lucky this time pal
Jenn says:
but next time i'm gonna hit that fat on yo head and all that space in yo mouth
Jenn says:
and that one pound of dip you ate
Jenn says:
by yourself
Cass says:
and it was very good and believe me I have eaten many more pounds of dip since then.
Jenn says:
i'm sure you have
Jenn says:
that's why your head is so fat now

holla yall.

jenn

so i went to work last night and i had a pretty good time i guess. i went to work like 30 minutes early, so i went intot he Big Lots next door. i went to look around but wound up getting a pair of gloves and some barettes for my hair. so anyways, i'm looking at the barettes and i hear someone say "psst...jennifer". so i'm like, what the "H" word? i look up and my friend vlonerius from the bus and train is there behind the counter. i got my things to pay for them and he tells me that he works there now and i told him that i work just right next door and he sounds all surprised. so we talk for a little while and he's like, well i'll see you around cause i told him that i had to be at work in a few minutes. so i went to work and then like an hour before closing, i'm doing section C cause i finished my section early (section B), like always (everyone in the store knows i'm the fastest to finish my sections...what what!) when someone comes up from behind me and scares the crap out of me. i think it's just mike just trying to scare me and i turn around and it's vlonerius. i was so friggin scared. i was like, what the "h" word are you doing (i actually do say "h" word and "f" word...i'm such a crudmuffin). so anyway, i was like, "are you on your break or something?" and he's like, "no, i just wanted to see what you were doing." aww. he was all asking me what time i got off work and stuff. he totally wanted to hang out with me afterwards i think, but he didn't get around to asking me cause he had to get back next door to work. he's such a cool guy. he's a junior at moorehouse and he wants to be an actor, but i think he's just studying business at school. how come i can't make friends with people my own age, it's always older people here in atlanta. all these older guys are coming up to me. this guy mike s., little mike, my boss bruce...all from work and vlonerius all like me. mike s. is 24 with 2 kids, dark skinned with four gold teeth. little mike is a 17 year old high school senior (i already did the younger guy thing and don't like it) and bruce is my boss. he's like in his mid 30s (gross!) vlonerius and i met on the bus and train and he has a girlfriend, but he still tried to get my number. i swear, guys these days. anyways, i gotta get ready for work now. oh god, mike s., little mike, bruce, and vlonerious i think all work tonight. i better put on some eyeliner...no i'm just kidding. bye for now. holla.

jenn

i just started this new job (at value village) and i work five days a week and it's just so crazy man. all i do is make sure that clothes are hung up right and that they aren't all over the floors. it's pretty easy work. now i can afford to pay this $3500 a semester tuition. so i work five days a week and go to school two days a week. the only day off i have from everything is on wednesdays. even then, i still have to babysit during the day.

so i'm supposed to be going to fort mill/charlotte for christmas cause my dad wants all his kids there. alan will be there from california and c.j. is supposed to be coming back from kuwait. it's gonna be a whole lot of fun, but the thing is that i have to work the day before christmas, so i don't know if i'll be able to make it down there. i might even have to work the days after christmas. but all i can do is ask, so i'll definately do that. then i'm gonna have to take off for valentine's day cause my dad's getting married. i'm gonna be a bride's maid. that should be interesting. i invited lamar, but he doesn't know if he can come yet. i was supposed to be going to go see him over the christmas break and i really wanted to be up there for our two year anniversary. but i have a job now and have to work all the time. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i really wanna go up there and see my baby. but i guess things will work out in the end.

so since i have a job now, i can finally send off for my birth certificate. then after i do that, i can finally get my driver's license. finally!!! i've waited for so long to get it. finally, my life is getting better and better. i just need to make more friends and then i'll be all straightened out.

oh yeah, there's this guy at school, i won't even call him a friend. he calls himself "alias" but his real name is nicholas, so that's what i call him, or nick. he doesn't like it but whatever. but that's besides the point. the point is that he is such a freak!!! he has these thick, ugly, stank dreds and he's so psychotic. he comes to class smelling like old, wet, musty clothes. and he's so ugly. his eyes protrude from his face and when he looks at me with his eyes and his nasty chapped black lips, it makes me wanna throw up. it's that bad. i get so nauseous (did i spell that right?) and need to turn away for a while. i've been trying to avoid him, but he always sits right next to me in class and tries to talk to me all the time! why won't he get a clue? just another more month of it. he actually made the mistake of grabbing me today. i was on my way to class and i saw him and i said that i was heading to class and i turned to leave, this mother "F" word had the nerve to grab my arm. now if you know me, you know that i don't like being physically threatened. i whipped around and gave this dude the dirtiest look and he let me go and i'm like, "what's up? you wanna scrap or what fool?" and then i started fighting this guy right in the hallway...how weird is that? no, i'm just playing, i just turned around, gave him a dirty look so he knows never to do that again, had a few words with him, then went on about my business. what a psycho. he always tries to hold me up when he knows that i need to get to a class and make me talk to him or make me do something that i don't want to do. he always asks me for money and crap. like, why in the "h" word are you asking me for money? get a life man, you have a job. i can't stand him, but he thinks that we're such good friends.

and then there's my friend wade in my precalculus class. it's this white guy with this long hair that he wears in a ponytail every single day. he will not keep his mouth shut the entire class. ever since he found out that we both lived in the same town in arizona, he will not leave me alone. he talks nonstop. i just cannot stand people like that. he talks about "B S". but i guess he's not as bad as nick.

and then there's this really gay guy in my u.s. history class. now i don't have a problem at all with gay people, but this gay dude, there's just something about him that i really don't like. i don't know what it is. well i actually do know what it is. it's his voice! he has the most feminine voice i have ever heard from a man in my life. and i swear to god, it sounds like he's faking that voice, like he's trying to do it on purpose. i just can't stand it. i mean, i like the guy, he's the only person i talk to in that class and we're kinda sorta friends, but his voice is so friggin annoying. and he's so clean cut. his hairline is always shaped up and he has absolutely no hair on his face at all and his sideburns are always neatly trimmed and i even think that his eyebrows were waxed. that annoys me to for some reason. i just can't stand it. but like i said, he's a really cool person.

well anyways, i don't think that i have anything else to rant about right now so i'm gonna go find something to do. bye for now.

jenn