over this past year, i've been so depressed that when i went to sleep at night, i would pray to god to not let me wake up in the morning. over this past year i've been having these thoughts like what it would feel like if i took a knife to my wrists and how long and how deep i could cut that knife into my arms before i would scream and wince in pain. i would imagine how it would feel to take a gun to the side of my head and just pull the trigger. how it would feel to jump off a very tall building...laughing on my way down. how it would feel if i swerved into oncoming traffic as i was driving. thoughts of a suicidal maniac right? i feel so low. i can't take it anymore. it's been a whole year of this and i've had enough.
i'm just wasting away. i have noone to talk to or confide in cause i'm such a loser. i'm sitting here on this fucking computer typing to noone. my problems being heard by noone. i can't seem to find my happiness. i wish i could just go somewhere really far away and not let anyone know where i am. if only for a little while. where can i find my peace?
it seems like everybody is succeeding in their lives but me. why not me? what did i do that was so wrong? FUCK! i'm really going through some shit. i can't find a place to be happy. i'm not happy here, i'm not happy there. what do i have to do, dammit?!?! oh, god. my depression constantly turns into unwarranted anger. extreme anger at times. i lash out at everybody or just keep it all bottled in to the point where i start to ache. i find my self crying for no reason all the time now. everyone that i know would be so surprised to hear all this crap coming from little old me, but that just shows how good people know me. i can't get close to anyone. nobody really knows who i am. it's my own fucking fault. i'm so goddamned shy. it's sick. i'm sick. i can't help it though.
people used to talk about me all the time in elementary and middle school. nobody liked me. all my hair fell out in middle school and that made it even worse. then when i finally got to high school it got so much better. but when you hear someone you love going off on you and just saying such hurtful bullshit things, it's wicked man. you don't know how bad it hurts. who's on your side if your family and the ones you love aren't? i'm just so confused, hurt, and so so tired. i want the happiness that everyone else has. why can't i have that?
what would it feel like if i tied a belt around my neck and hung it from the ceiling and jumped? i'm breaking down man. i'm breaking up...i'm breaking away. let me go to sleep now, i'm getting a headache.
tonight, i hope god lets me sleep for a long long time.
jenn
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