where did i go wrong? can't change the past. so where do i start. i won't go into details so i'm only gonna so that it's over for good. i'm done. me and lamar are no longer together and if i get my way, we never will be. i hate when people just walk all over me. it's so lame. but i need to concentrate on me now. i'm gonna stay single for a very very very long time, or try to anyways. i'm gonna start dating girls now though i think. i'm through with guys. who needs them right? i don't. yeah, dating a girl sounds fun. that sounds like a plan. hopefully it'll be a lot easier and a lot more fun.

anyway, that was just a bad period...a bad 3 1/2 year period in my life that's now over and i couldn't be more...relieved. i don't have to go through any more lies and bullshit. all the guys in my life were fucked up. i depeneded on them and loved them, but now i just HATE both of them. my dad and lamar. i can definately do without both of them. can make it just fine on my own. but it sucks that he...lamar...wasted so much of my time. i've spent over four years in two crappy relationships...lamar and daniel...only to have them fuck up and fuck up my whole situation. now i have to start all over. but i'm not gonna even go there again. and i am so so so so so glad i didn't give myself to those assholes. i would really be feeling stupid then. following your gut is so the best thing to do. so i'll guess i'll date around, but not get serious with anyone for a really long time then.

wow, this whole thing just has me so fucked up. some people are so lame and just needs to move on, which is what i'm doing with this last blog. after this blog, i won't keep rambling on about this whole fucked up situation anymore. i'm gonna throw it away. lock it out of my mind and out of my blog.

i wonder how many people read this blog anyways...i know at least two read it and a couple more read it occassionally, but whatever. my mind is wandering. had to come to the library to handle business this morning.

but i tell you what, changing the subject again, i know there's gonna be a huge bonfire on my patio tonight. a whole lot of shit is gonna get burned the fuck down. a whole lot of meaningless shit. it's meaningless now anyways. this situation is turning me into an even colder hearted bitch than i was...tried to be before. but it's gonna make me a strong cold hard bitch. and i'm ok with that.

whoever stays with the first person they fall in love with anyways? lamar is the first and now i know he won't be the last. there is no fucking way i'm ever gonna be with him again. he really fucked up and i hate him for it now. i really do. i went from loving him so much, him being the center of everything for me to hating him all in one fucking night. in a few fucking minutes. yep, it is possible. i know. it sucks too, but oh well, i will get over it after a while, like this weekend. with daniel, i didn't talk to him until a month after we broke up and i was so cool with him because he let me go before he even started cheating, which i respect. he was like 'jennifer, i love you, but i've been spending a lot of time with this person and want to try to make something happen with her. i want to break up with you.' that i respect. at the time, i was pissed off about it, but looking back, at least he told me when it happened and didn't string me along for 3 1/2 fucking years. (let's count the number of fucking profanities i use in this blog). but lamar. what an asshole. 3/12 fucking years. damn! such a waste. there were so many guys and instances where i could have done things, but being what i thought a girlfriend was supposed to do, i didn't do anything (except for the small 10 seconds of my life where i fucked up) but it was a small fuckup that i did. nothing like what he did. and he wondered why i didn't trust him or called him a liar!? ok.

the only thing that i'm gonna ask of my next girlfriend/boyfriend is that they just be honest with me. that's all i want, honesty. that is the number one most important thing that i NEED. and you know, i wasn't even sad when i realized that i had to let lamar go for good, i was just really angry. that's how i felt when daniel dumped me. not sad, just really pissed off. never got sad either. cold hard bitch. they wrote that song just for me i swear.

wow, i guess i write a lot when i'm upset. ok, continuing on...

i seriously just wanna pack up all my shit and just go somewhere where noone can find me. where no one can call me and just start all over. i just want to start everything all over. i am now on a serious job quest and i'm gonna start looking. i don't think i'll go back to school either. fuck that. fuck everything.

so what's next for jennifer...stay tuned! dun-dun-dun!!

peace out...

jennifer e. a.