heading in to work now. i slept about ten hours today and i'm still feeling tired. i don't know what's going on. i'm sooooo tired all the time now.

anyway, i'm feeling good though, besides the tiredness. good night.

-jenny

i am sooooo sleepy.

So i was sitting in orgo lab and all of a sudden, i almost choke on my lip ring. The ball in the front was mysteriously gone. IDK. Gotta go get a new one now.

lately, every single time i step on the scale, my weight just keeps going down and down. usually it goes down, then back up, then back down, then back up. but now it's going down and down and down and down.

i guess this is generally what happens when i have a breakup. i lost a lot of weight when me and lamar broke up one time (from where, i have no idea) and it looks like my body is trying to do the same thing. i think it's me and torrey's break up plus the fact that i just do not have time to eat on most days.

i have class five days a week, i work four days a week, and i volunteer three days a week. i am sooooo busy. on some nights, i only get 2.5 hours of sleep. on a good night, i can get 6 or 7 hours of sleep. but that's only like two nights a week.

i got mistaken for 15 years old the other week. the paramedics were at our house checking up on vickey and so i had to go pick up sam from the train station and when i got back they were like..."should you be driving? how old are you?" you should have seen the look i gave this woman. i stared at her for a while and then i said "i'm 24." she was like "ohhh! oh my god, i thought you were, like 15. i was gonna ask are you old enough to be driving." then she did this stupid laugh.

then today at the post office, the dude mistook me for 17. i laughed and said i was 24 and he had the same reaction as the other chick. and then another lady at the post office thought i was 16 and had the same reaction too. it does get really annoying when this happens, but i really can't be mad at it cause in about 10 years when all my peers and i are well into our 30s, i'll be all Demi Moore/Halle Berry on they asses. so i'll take it and love it.

i think that's part of the reason i like to get tattoos and piercings, to make me look older. but then i grew to love them, so....


ok! goodnight!

-jenn

so i think i'm getting better now. i was really missing torrey earlier this week, but now i think i'm good. i still miss him, but it's getting better. i miss going over to his place though and sleeping in with him on saturday and sunday mornings after i get off work.

i would get off work, go home to take a shower, then go over to his place and just get in the bed with him and snuggle up with him until i fell asleep. he would let me stay in bed and sleep while he got up after a while and did homework or whatever. i think i miss that the most right now.

but i'm about to get my own place (well, me and sam) and so i'm gonna whore it up now and have all kinds of dudes over. ok, probably not...but it's a possibility now.

ok, well i'm bout to make it do what it do. i'll holla at this blog later tonight when i'm done with classes. there's still a lot i want to talk about.

good night.

jenny "do you have any non-infant clothes" jenn jenn

*i'm starting to run out of Superbad quotes. oh shit! i hadn't seen it in months. I knows there's lots more. I gotta go ahead and buy the dvd and refresh myself. i'm so ashamed i've gone this long without seeing it.*

Looks like me and sam are gonna rent this 2 bed/2 bath house/duplex in mid sept. to oct 1st. Can you say housepar-tay?

I am so sad.

so the hardest part of a breakup for me is thinking about the new ex having sex with someone that's not me. i don't like the fact that a guy can tell me he loves me and only wants to be with me and then as soon as we break up, he's off sticking his weiner in some chickenhead. i just torrey has some kind of respect for me and waits a little bit. after me and lamar broke up, i was at his place a few weeks later and he had some body butter intended for some chick on his floor. it's like "damn dude! where's the grieving period?!"

and the second hardest part is thinking abou that person telling some new girl all the things he used to tell you. stuff like "i love you so much." stuff like that. and the two of them holding hands and going out and doing stuff together and laughing and just having fun. i can't handle that. cause in normal people, things like that lead to sex.

but i suppose life has to go on.

there are just waaay too many what ifs in my life.

they say when two people are in a sexless relationship and they break up...the guy goes and tries to push sex immediately on the very next girl he tries to be with. he rushes and really pursues the sex for what he was lacking previously.

i'm just sayin. i can't really blame a guy for going out and doing that after me. being with someone for years and not letting them hit it...that ain't right. i realize that it isn't right. but i just can't do it. i was reading this sandra brown book and they were saying how important sex is in a relationship. it shows physically how you emotionally feel about someone.

but this is precisely why i don't need to get into another serious long term relationship with a guy unless i know i'm ready for a sexual relationship. i mean, i'm going on 25 years old. i'm getting to old for this shit. so no more LTRs for me.

honestly though, i still think i need to go see a specialist about this. i'm pretty sure my insurance doesn't include psychotherapy though. but i really would like to go and talk to someone about it...soon. i recognize that i do in fact have a problem. what i'm doing (or not doing) is not normal and i need help.

so i'm bringing this all up cause i'm just sad right now. i was talking to torrey and he doesn't seem to be phased at all that we broke things off for good. he said he had given up weeks ago. ok, well that's fine. but then i got the feeling that he was already sleeping with someone else. and i couldn't be mad at that, that's his business. but it does make me sad and angry. he said he wasn't, but i'm kinda pissed right now. even if he's not at the moment, he will soon. he definitely won't have to wait two years with his next girlfriend to sleep with her.

i was watching something and this panel of guys were talking about how, unfortunately, sex plays a huge role in their relationships with girls. probably one of the most important things that a guy wants in a relationship and i can't offer.

i'm just scared that now, i have to start all over with a new guy to try to get comfortable enough with them to try it. shit, i may be well over 30 before i have sex. IF i ever have the guts to do it at all. i'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. i've been crying all morning about this. i just need to be happy and calm myself down.

i don't know man. i'm so sad. why can't i just be a normal person and have a normal sex life like every other 24 year old in a serious, long term relationship?

ok, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. i'm pretty torn up about this, so i'll probably be writing about it for a few days so if you're getting sick of it...OH WELL!!! this is my blog, shit, i don't give a fuck.

good night. i need to go take a nap. i'm in a shitty mood, my head is banging, my body aches, and i'm feeling really depressed right now. these pain pills are kicking in now and i'm getting really drowsy, so i'm gonna go to sleep.

later.

-jenny

i came to the very sad conclusion today...well yesterday...that me and torrey are really over. i'm just not into it anymore. and it kinda sucks cause he was the best boyfriend i ever had. it was just running thin towards the end. i talked to him briefly about it and we both agree that it's a wrap for good.

i'm going to bed now.

peace out.

jennifer

my boo is really gettin it in this video. it's near the middle of the video, so you gotta wait for it...but it's soooo worth it.



jenny "is this the bathroom? i gotta wash this merlot off my pants." jenn jenn