spring break '09...

four weeks away.

is it gonna be charlotte or st. pete?

we'll see.

jenny " 'what are you doing?' 'just drilling holes. it's the last two weeks of school. fuck it!' " jenn jenn

i was at the library getting an MCAT book to study and this man stopped me and asked was i in high school. i guess he thought i was skipping class, because it was early in the afternoon. i told him that i went to georgia state (duh! i had on my georgia state sweatshirt) and he was like, 'oh, you look like you're 16! i'm sorry.' so that is sooo annoying. i am still getting that. i first started getting that when i was like 14, 15. i'm almost 24 and i'm still getting it. well at least it's up from 12. i used to get 12 allll the time. now i'm getting numbers like 16 - 19. when i'm 30 and 40, i'm gonna look like i'm in my 20s. they say you can tell what a girl is gonna look like when she's old by looking at her mom. well that clearly is not the case with me. my mom is 53 and she looks a little older than that. that's not gonna be me. i'm gonna be 53 and look like i'm in my 30s (if even that). so i guess i shouldn't be complaining now.

i wore pigtails the other day and my girlfriend was like...'girl, you lookin like a little girl' when she saw me and torrey was like 'what, you trying to look young?' or something like that. so i took those out when i got home. i can't be having that.

torrey asked me the other day why i don't drink anymore and it's because the last time i drank, i got so messed up. i threw up, my stomach was banging. now when i even smell alcohol, i get sick. plus, i just don't have time. i work on the weekends and work on the weekdays, so there's no time for me to deal with any hangovers. when i drink, i like to drink to the point of intoxication, not just casual drinking. but i've been thinking about it, and i think i do want to get fucked up again. i think i may have to holla at that thought.

my drug of choice now is mary jane baby! the thing with me and marijuana is this...it makes me feel really good. it makes me feel really happy and free. i'm that person who, when they smoke marijuana, starts laughing at EVERYTHING! and when i say EVERYTHING, i mean EVERYTHING. i can't believe that i'm that person. usually, when i smoke, i smoke with 'xxxxx' and 'yyyyyyy' and sometimes 'zzzzzzz'. i'm not gonna say their names because who knows who could be reading this. but i'll be smoking with them and they'll start feeling it right away. 'xxxxx' just gets really loose and relaxed when she smokes. 'yyyyyyy' gets relaxed and cool too. 'zzzzzz' gets really paranoid when she smokes. i mean, she gets really paranoid. and me, i just start laughing my ass off. i laughed so hard one time, i seriously thought i might have died. i could not breath, but i could not stop laughing. and it was just deep, continuous laughter for like a really long time. one time, 'xxxxxx' said "and his lip was like this" and made this stupid face and i just lost it. i laughed harder than i ever laughed in my entire life and it wasn't even that funny. i mean, i always end up on my knees, on the floor, on my back laughing. it's so uncontrollable. torrey thinks its an act, but it really isn't. i really do be feeling that shit.

so i'm that girl. i'm that person. i guess it's cause i'm so silly anyways and always laughing and joking, it's really appropriate that i'd be that person. i haven't smoked in a weeks because i'm afraid they'll do a random drug test at my job, but i've been there for months and they haven't done one yet. they haven't even said that they do do those, so i think after my exams this week and after my exam next monday, ya girl is gonna get fucked up.

jenny "who's ready to get fuucked up?" jenn jenn

sex is soooo overated. like, when you think about it...sex should just be a perk in a relationship. it should be something that just makes the relationship better. it shouldn't be the thing that makes or breaks the relationship. the relationship should already be banging before that. it should just be the icing on the cake.

and i got all that from watching The Tool Academy on VH1. its a show about girlfriends who brought their boyfriends to this tool academy because they were huge d-bags and the girlfriends wanted the boyfriends to change. but this one tool said that and it just clicked in me. that's exactly right. that's exactly what sex should be. but its just so casual and thrown around. i guess i'm just from the old school. i think you should be with a guy and be in love with them before you sleep with them. and i swear i'm the only one who thinks this way today. and it's not that i haven't been in love with guys, it just hasn't felt like the right time for me.

the only person i know that's my age and still a virgin is, incidentally enough, daniel. me and daniel went out in high school like two months before i went out with HIM. and for a guy to still be a virgin at 23, i really dig that. i'm gonna be 24 in three months. 24 and no "p" in the "va-gee" (that's from superbad).

i've seen superbad like 100 times now. i pretty much know all the words now. it is so funny.

but anyways...sex. i'm about to turn 24, i'm about to graduate from college, i'm a black girl. it's like, i've beaten all of the odds. i know girls who are 14, 15, 16 who already have kids. i said "kids" with an "s". it's just like...i'm about to be out of my prime. when my mom was 24, she already had two kids. i'm gonna be 30 in 6 years. oh my god! 6 years isn't far from now.

i want to have kids and a big house and a husband and a dog and a nice car (maybe two), and my family, and above everything else...i want to be really really happy. i'm not gonna be able to have half of that unless i start giving it up.

i'm seriously thinking i may need to go see someone about this. like a professional. i have some problems. i have some problems and i need some resolutions. i can't be this way. i'm never gonna keep a guy if i stay this way. a guy hears that you're a virgin and they want to be with you cause they think that they'll be the one that you're gonna give it up to, but when they realize that they aren't the one...they start messing around and they eventually just lose interest and want to go somewhere else.

but i'm ranting because i'm frustrated right now. i was fine all day and i didn't even start thinking about this until i sat down and started watching "seeing other people". i love the movie, but it just puts me in a bad mood. it makes me take a long hard look at myself. maybe i shouldn't watch it anymore. but it's so good.

but it's not like i don't want sex. i do want sex. it just makes me sooooo uncomfortable to think of actually doing it. i'll be making out with torrey sometimes and think to myself, 'i wish he'd just rip all my clothes off, bend me over, and just have me.' but when i think about it, i think 'i don't really want to do that.'

but on a positive note...i don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy scares, all that crap.

i'm scared to death that i will never get over this.

for the longest time after me and HIM ended, i thought that i didn't want to have kids for a long time (i had started thinking how much i really wanted kids when i was with HIM). but recently, it's been sneaking up on me again. i'm almost 24, i'm at the childbearing age (i have been for a while), and now i can't wait (again) to have kids of my own. i used to want to have a son first, but now i really want to have a little girl.

on that note, i'm about to go...i'm getting more and more depressed.

the scene on "seeing other people" just came on where the alice and her fiance ed were arguing about seeing other people and sleeping with other people. she was talking about how he had slept with so many people and he was talking about how she was only sleeping with one. she said "you're the one who's having all the meaningless sex!" and he said "i know, it's meaningless! i can't stand it, it's so meaningless!" but he's in love with her. he's so in love with her. and then this book i had to read for my english class, So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba, this African dude is a really rich lawyer and he marries this girl that he's so in love with. his parents don't like her cause she's kinda poor and lower class than them, but he really loves her and wants to be with her, regardless. and then his mother finds out this other girl for him to marry (they're muslim, so they're allowed to have three wives) and he does. he says he only does because his mom is making him and she would be so sad if he refuses. so he marries this young girl and sleeps with her and everything. has all these kids by her. the first wife left him and he talks about how much he misses her and wants to be with her and only her and is only with the younger girl because his mom is making him, but he continues to sleep with this other girl and have all of these kids by her.

that's a dude for you.

ok, i'm really gonna go now. i have a genetics test and micro test to study for. peace out.

jenny "what, you want me to eat my desert by myself like i'm fucking steven glansburg" jenn jenn