"Are You Obsessed"

i gotta see it. looks really good. it comes out the weekend of my birthday, but i have to work :( i'm gonna have to wait some other time to see it. i have not been to the movies in a long time. i work four nights a week now and i have eight classes. i just don't have the time. sleep is so precious. you don't know what you have until its gone.

but yeah, i gotta see this movie. i don't get how girls go psycho over a guy where they want to hurt the guy or even the girl that the guy is with. it's like...it's not that serious. pack up and move on. i can't see myself fighting for a dude like that. too many other dudes out there.

so i applied for this internship for the summer. it's a "chemist intern" at some biotech company and i was one of like fifteen people chosen as a finalist for it. i hope i get it. i need some lab experience that's outside of school. plus it sounds like fun. working in a real lab for twenty hours a week. and it's a paid internship. pray for me.

the semester is almost over. i think we have like three more weeks or so. i cannot wait. after the semester is over, i have one week before maymester class begins. then one week after that before the regular summer session classes begin. during those weeks, i am gonna get so much sleep. i may go to charlotte during one of them...maybe both...but i do want to go see my mom soon. she's been asking about me.

i'm graduating in december and my mom is gonna come. i'm most excited about her coming. then my brothers israel, alan, josh, and landon will be there. tj, cj, mikey and katrina won't be there. i wanted all my brothers and sisters to show up, but that's not gonna happen. cj will probably be in afghanistan and tj, katrina, and mikey will be at home. sam is coming. my dad and mattie will be there. my cousin mane and maybe my aunt patricia will be there. vickey and james and landon are gonna be there. alan is coming from korea just to come, so that's cool. after i graduate, i'm gonna plan for us to go to this japanese restaurant in atlanta that i've been wanting to go to, or we'll go have drinks somewhere. i'm excited. i've worked so hard and its finally paying off.

i still haven't signed up to take my mcat. i want to take the one on august 6th. i just need to brush up on my physics. my physics suck.

i'm talking about a little of this and a little of that in this blog. i'm so bored right now. i have a five page paper to write tonight and an orgo quiz to be studying for right now, but i'm putting them off and trying to find everything else to do but them.

so me and torrey fell out again. he told me that if we couldn't be in some sort of sexual relationship, then we should just be friends. and hey, that's fine. i'm not one to buckle for a dude. i'm not gonna compromise what i do and do not feel like doing just for a dude. this is not the first time this has happened to me, and it won't be the last. i'm just gonna let them fall off my shoulder and keep it moving. i didn't want to talk about it, but what the hell. i haven't talked to him in almost a week. what do you say after someone tells you something like that? anyways, it is what it is.

i heard this kelly pickler song and it stuck. i hated the song, but loved the lyrics:

"Best Days Of Your Life":
'Cos I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you're already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame?
A shame that everytime you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight

And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me

CHORUS:
'Cos I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've alreasdy had the best days
The best days of you life

And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the only one

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

CHORUS

...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'til you threw away "us"
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna gt married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someon new

But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...

'Cos I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'til you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...

Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...

those lyrics are deep.

i bought some guitar strings today and some guitar picks. one of my strings to my guitar broke. i gotta fix it. i wish i had some time to learn to play it. i'm working on it though. and my drums! i gotta get on that too. i know this dude who has been playing for like nine or ten years. he said he'd help me anytime i'd ask, so i need to hit him up...when i have time! time is my biggest enemy. i want to get started on the drums first, then i'll pick up the guitar.

josh is finally starting to pay me back my money. the first thing i'm gonna buy: a pole...a stripper pole. my room has way too much stuff in it, so i'm gonna put it right in the middle of the living room. it's gonna be so great. i can't wait to get pics of that. you can buy a portable pole for like $80 or $90 and they hold up to like 300 lbs. you snap it right into place and that's it. it's so cool. when sam gets here, i'm gonna get her to take this pole dancing class with me that they have downtown. nobody i know wants to pay the money for the class, so i'll just pay for me and sam to take it.

my phone charger broke, so after today, i'll be SOL on the celly for about a week. or whenever i have time to go get a new charger. the only three people who i ever really call or text are torrey, sam, and vickey...and in that order. now josh is slowly creeping his way up to number three.

did i mention that i don't like ultimatums? betta recognize.

i want to get another tattoo on my arm. i want it to cover my entire right upper arm. i don't know what i want it to be yet...maybe i'll get alan to design something for me. i want it to be colorful too. yeah, i think that's definately gonna be something i'm gonna be looking into getting before this year is out. i want it from my shoulder to my elbow. i'm thinking its gonna be a mirage of something. i want a taurus symbol...the bull...behind my left ear. maybe i'll get a DNA symbol on my inner right hip, or the medical staff (that stick with the two snakes symbolizing medicine). if i go to med school, i'll get the staff. if i stick with biology and do microbiology, i'll get the DNA. we'll see. i can point out to people: "here's the A-T hydrogen bonds; here's the G-C hydrogen bonds; here are the nitrogenos bases and the linking riboses and deoxyriboses and the pyridines and purines. here's where they attach, lose a water via condensation of the phosphate group,..." lol. i can imagine sitting there telling someone all about it.

i like to kiss. i like really slow kisses. i like soft, slow kisses. not too much tongue, but just enough. i like deep kisses too, but i think i'm starting to prefer the softer, slower ones. i like holding hands and just lying in bed and doing nothing. that's the beauty of virginity. it's really laid back.

so fuck you!

jenny "you don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy" jenn jenn

i was listening to this cd in my car on my way home for work and this song is just sick. the video is even better. they're supposed to be coming to atlanta in august, so i may have to holla at that. sam will be here, so i'll drag her with me. i'm so glad she's coming here, now i can stop brining torrey to concerts with me. he be c-blockin'!

but for this song, the official music video is amazing, but then i had to post the live version cause brandon looks cute with his stache. torrey, take notes on that stache bruh.

so torrey is really mad at me right now. and its so stupid. ok, so here's what happened:

during my spring break, i bought him this poo log cause he's always telling me: "jenny, i took a huge dump today. i'm so regular." so i bought him this poo log from spencers where he can sketch his poo and rate it and describe it and all this. i thought it was cute.

so today, i was thinking, whenever i start having sex, i'm gonna keep a sex log. i'm gonna write down the person's full name, date, time, duration of coitus, and i'm gonna rate the performance. so i was telling torrey that i was gonna do this and he was like, 'well you're only gonna have sex with one person'...or something like that and i was like 'ex-squeeze me. i may be a virgin and i may be a little apprehensive about sex right now, but i do know that when i finally do start having sex, i don't want to have sex with just one person in my life. i don't want to be a whore either, but i don't want to be with just one person. i'm not gonna put a number on it, but less than a handfull, ok?

so anyway, he was like "well what are you gonna do when you get married cause i know you want to get married soon" and really, i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. and to set the record straight. i don't want to get married right now just because. i want to be with the right guy. i do want to start a family, but i need to be with the right person and at the right time.

so now he's all upset with me and saying how he's wasting his time if i feel that way and i'm like "woah! who said i was even gonna sleep with you? you need to get over yourself right now." i don't know, i think he's a little too optimistic about us having sex. he must have forgot that i was with a tool for over five years and didn't sleep with him. and yeah, i realize that it's different with me and torrey, but still. but i think that torrey expects me to sleep with him and then not sleep with anyone else ever after him. i'm sorry, but that is totally unrealistic. i mean, he's had sex before, so it's kinda hypocritical.

he's trippin. he won't answer my calls or texts now, but it's all good. i'll let him trip and then get over it...or do whatever he needs to do to relieve himself. he's starting to get on my nerves now.

having said that...let me write about what i wanted to write about before all this crap happened.

there's this gay dude at work that i kinda have a crush on. but it's ok cause he's gay. but anyway, he's black and tall and he's super gay. but when i first started working there, i used to imagine sneaking out to the parking lot with him and making out with him. torrey isn't gonna be happy about that, but this is my blog. this is supposed to be about me and my thoughts and my feelings. i kinda wish i didn't tell him about this blog, cause there's so much more that i would have written in this thing. i'm thinking about starting up a second one just for myself. i won't tell anybody what the address is.

but anyway, i used to have a crush on him. not anymore, but used to. he said something to me about these pies that i made for work and i kinda got nervous when he was talking to me. it's so stupid.

oh, about these pies. so i made these cream cheese pies one time for a pot luck that we had at work and ever since then, whenever we have a little get together, they want me to bring those pies. well this past weekend, we had a little st. patrick's day get-together and i made these pies and put green dye in them and they were soooo good. there's this one chick at work that always tries to steal one (a whole pie!) but i always cut that short. i'm talking about nothingness right now.

i'm gonna go study something. i have two presentations to give next week and one exam next monday, so i gotta go.

peace out snitches.

jenny "mommy's making a pubie salad and i need seth's own dressing" jenn jenn

another song that's stuck in my head.

i had an epiphany today...

the bulk of the guys that try to holla at me...since i moved back to atlanta...have been young guys. like between 17 and 20. either really young or really old, like over 50. i can't get a dude my age. today, a dude that said he was 18 (but looked 16) tried to holla. a dude that looked 18 tried to holla. and an old dude well over 50 tried to holla. and i didn't even do anything special today. just wore my hat, my georgia state sweatshirt.

nothing against torrey, but i'm getting tired of all these young dudes. i want an older mna. the next dude i go out with will be over 30. i sometimes have fantasies about being with a married man. i mean sexually. an older married man at that. that reminds me of the time i made out with my manager at value village. i was 19, he was 39. we had the same birthday. lol, wow. it was kind of slutty. i felt kinda bad about it at the time cause i was with someone, but looking back...i don't really mind. it was kinda weird, but still fun.

so yeah, these young dudes need to cut it out. this dude tried to get my number today. i said 'how old are you'? he looked like he was 16, but he said 'i'm 18, how old are you?'. i laughed and said, 'i'm 23 sweetie'. and he was like 'oh for real? so can i call you sometime?" like he didn't hear a word i just told him. i just laughed and told him, 'nah, i don't think so.'

i seriously need to know what to do about this. it's so annoying. i just bought all this mary kay makeup from riche. she sells the stuff now. i'm gonna get her to show me how to wear it and maybe that'll stop this madness.

ok, tata for now.

oh yeah, i don't think i mentioned this yet, but sam got into georgia state (no surprise!). she won't know until next month if she got into UGA yet. i'm sure she will. that's her first choice. she only applied to georgia state in case my dad didn't help her with tuition and room and board (like he did with me). so if she comes to atlanta, that'll be wild. me, sam, and torrey all in the same school. that's gonna be crazy. crazy fun. but she wants to go to uga for their pre-vet program. then after her undergrad, she wants to stay there for her vet school. so i hope she goes there cause i know that's where she really wants to go. but if she doesn't get the funds, i told her to just do a year or two at georgia state and get her pre-reqs out of the way. in the meantime, she needs to get a job, save up some money, and then transfer to uga. that way she'll be able to pay her own way (like i am).

but ok, i'm off to torrey's. i like to call him Salvatore now. he started his dreds. he's been talking about it forever. but now it's a done deal. it's funny, cause he's a microcephalic. i went to having a boyfriend with megacephaly to a boyfriend with microcephaly. j/k ;). it's a huge difference though, no pun intended. i'm gonna go before i say anything lamer than i've already said.

peace out snitches.

jenny "then i'll cut off your stupid face, throw it over mine, then buy the alcohol myself" jenn jenn

i've been looking into gerontology doctoral programs. i'm thinking about skipping med school and just going for my phd in gerontology; be a gerontologist. that's what i've wanted for a long time. i think i might be too lazy for med school. and they do make a lot of money.

there's only a hand full of schools that offer doctorate programs in gerontology. one is in southern california, one is in massachusettes (boston) and one is in maryland (baltimore). i'm leaning more towards that last one. maryland sounds good. and it only requires 69 credit hours to get the phd. they want you to spread it out over four years though. i can easily do that in less than two. they want you to take only like 9 to 11 credit hours per semester, but they must not know 'bout me. i like to take 18-20 credit hours a semester. i'm a gangsta like that. if they let me take as many as i want, i'll have phd behind my name in less than three years from now...if i get in. sweet!

ok, i have english homework; peace out bitches!

jenny "i'll be the iron chef of pounding vaj" jenn jenn

my new favorite song for the moment. they sound so much better when they do it live like this.

i'm back from my spring break. i didn't hang out with any dudes this time. i had fun. i got caught up on a lot of homework, but it was still relaxing. torrey specifically asked if i was gonna see mitch. it was funny when he asked me that cause he knows me. he didn't even ask if i was gonna see my ex. he's asking me about some other dude. but regardless, i didn't see any dude.

i hung out with sam most of the time. she got into georgia state. she's waiting to hear from uga in april. if she ends up not being able to pay for uga, her first choice, she's gonna go to georgia state then transfer after she saves up for uga. whatever she decides to do, i'm happy for her. she graduates in june, but i'm not even sure if i can go cause i'll be in summer school. i'm taking five classes this summer and five this fall and then i get to graduate! i'm a G, yes. if she goes to georgia state, vickey wants to get a bunk bed put in my room for us. i don't know. i cannot be a 24 year old living with my stepmom and sleeping in a bunk bed in the same room as my 18 year old sister. i realize it won't be for that long, but i don't know. i'm used to having my own place, my own space. i miss that.

when i was in charlotte, i went by my old apartment complex. someone was living in my old apartment. they had stuff all out on the balcony. i had some really really fond memories in charlotte. i went by my old job, which they shut down. it was weird seeing that. seeing all this old stuff, all my old hang out spots, i started thinking...how would my life be like if i had stayed in charlotte? i asked before lamar before i moved to atlanta if he thought i should go, and he told me, 'yeah.' he didn't even try to get me to stay. i could have just as very easily went to unc charlotte, but this douche bag could not care less if i went or stayed. i know had it been torrey and we were both living in charlotte, he would have fought for me to stay. instead, lamar was into having a sexual relationship with god knows who and wasn't putting OUR best interests to mind. but anyway, i won't go there. i know, i already did. but, i could have went to unc charlotte, gotten a job somewhere else, still been near sam and my dad. i know that had lamar fought for me to stay at least just a little bit, i would have stayed. i would never have come to atlanta, would never have met torrey, so i guess i'm grateful for it. i guess things really do work out for the best.

so as you can see, i did a lot of reminiscing when i was in charlotte. i'm glad i still had the sense not to call my ex, cause at a few points, i felt like i really wanted to, but i knew that it wasn't a good idea. i thought about him a lot though when i was in charlotte, but when i got home, it was like...'lamar who?'. it went like this...when i got there, i was really missing torrey. towards the middle of the week after i was hanging around charlotte, around where i used to always be, i started thinking of lamar and what we had. towards the end of the week when i realized i was going home, my attentions went back to torrey. but i'm glad to be back home with my boo. even though i went to all my old spots, they didn't feel like home to me anymore...atlanta did. i was so happy to be back in my room. it just feels like home to me. i've been gone from charlotte from almost two years now (it'll be two years in august) and it definitely has felt like two years. longer even. but i'm excited about the future and finishing up school. i'm excited about what's going to happen next.

i'm supposed to be taking my MCATS on august 6 and torrey is supposed to take his GRE on august 5. so we both have huge, life changing tests coming up in the next few months.

i'm gonna be 24 in about two months. i feel so different. i actually feel like a 24 year old. i was looking at some old high school pictures and i was just like...wow. it wasn't pretty. but i've grown. i was at rave in the mall the other day in charlotte and the cashier asked me and sam what grade we were in. sam was like, 'i'm a senior'. and i was like, 'yeah, i'm 24.' and she was so surprised. she was like, 'wow, well you look good then.' i cannot tell you how annoying that is right now, but when i actually get in my 30s, it's gonna be great. cause while all these girls now look their age, they're really gonna be looking their age in about ten years. i guess that whole, 'you're gonna look like your mother' thing is out the window for me. my mom looks older than her age, and i'm just the opposite.

anyway, enough about that. i'm talking about all kinds of stuff. i haven't blogged in about a month. i just had so many exams right before spring break. i had papers due and this and that. then i had spring break. now i'm home and back on my grind.

i'm gonna go study some orgo now, so i'll holla. i gotta head to work in a couple hours. they've given me more hours at work. i work on monday nights and tuesday nights too now from midnight to 3 am. that's an extra 6 hours a week. it's not a lot, but its enough. bank of america employees get awesome benefits and discounts too. i get a 23% discount on my spring bill every month which is tres' sweet. but anyway, i'm gonna go watch 'i love money 2' and study some orgo. peace out snitches.

jenny "fuck no man! i hate becca" jenn jenn

i cannot get this song out of my head.

The Commitment Dilemma



this just hit something in me. i could definitely relate when i heard it. don't give up something great for 'new pussy'. 'commitment' might give you a headache every once in a while, but 'new pussy' can't cook! 'new pussy' ain't gonna take care of you when you're sick! just be patient, and you'll get the 'old pussy', only it's not old at all, it's 'new pussy'. you gotta think about life in the long term.

you know, "pussy" is like the dirtiest word ever. i can't even say it out loud without giggling. it's so raunchy.

jenny "new pussy can't cook!" jenn jenn

i've been feeling really depressed lately. i've been bombing tests and i have shitty TAs.

i'm in a really bad mood right now.

i went to lovecalculator.com and put in my and torrey's names (first and last) and guess what we got?

96%


"Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between jennifer anderson and torrey harris has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc. "

That's the highest match i've ever gotten. interesting. i showed it to him and he was like, "Of course. I mean come on, I'm me." i was like, 'bruh, get over yourself'. he's a mess.

ok, gotta go. i'll holla.

jenny "shit! that is pimp. why didn't i think of that? fuck!" jenn jenn

i took a nap after i got out of school and i just feel like crap right now. i am in such a bad mood. i'm hungry, i'm irritated, i feel overwhelmed.


i hope this lifts.

jenny "i mean...cause you're not staff" jenn jenn

yeah...i think i'm gonna go ahead and go to charlotte for spring break. i figure it's like this:

sam is graduating this year and that's really the only reason i go to charlotte. then after may or june, she'll be here, so this is my last chance to go to NC. i'm gonna see my mom after i graduate in december. hopefully i'll graduate, then go to florida for like a week to see my mom, then go to south korea for a while to visit with my brother. hell, med school (if i get in) doesn't start till august.

as a matter of fact, now that i think about it...i might not even get to go to sam's graduation cause i'll be in summer school and i have to work on the weekends. so this will probably be the last time for me to see some old friends. but with facebook and myspace, who cares?

i'm almost completely phased out of myspace. i'm all about facebook right now. facebook has been my main thing for a couple months now. i just know a lot more people on there. it's cool cause half of my friends are from charlotte and the other half from atlanta. i know everybody on my friends list...i don't just add random people. the same goes for myspace too, i'm just starting to like facebook better.

well, gotta go read for my world english class. you know, i thought i got done with all my pre requisites, but apparently not. thank god i found out i had to take one more english before december came around. if i didn't get to graduate just because of one class...

so, peace out.

jenny "i'm gettin' dat fa sho" jenn jenn

spring break '09...

four weeks away.

is it gonna be charlotte or st. pete?

we'll see.

jenny " 'what are you doing?' 'just drilling holes. it's the last two weeks of school. fuck it!' " jenn jenn

i was at the library getting an MCAT book to study and this man stopped me and asked was i in high school. i guess he thought i was skipping class, because it was early in the afternoon. i told him that i went to georgia state (duh! i had on my georgia state sweatshirt) and he was like, 'oh, you look like you're 16! i'm sorry.' so that is sooo annoying. i am still getting that. i first started getting that when i was like 14, 15. i'm almost 24 and i'm still getting it. well at least it's up from 12. i used to get 12 allll the time. now i'm getting numbers like 16 - 19. when i'm 30 and 40, i'm gonna look like i'm in my 20s. they say you can tell what a girl is gonna look like when she's old by looking at her mom. well that clearly is not the case with me. my mom is 53 and she looks a little older than that. that's not gonna be me. i'm gonna be 53 and look like i'm in my 30s (if even that). so i guess i shouldn't be complaining now.

i wore pigtails the other day and my girlfriend was like...'girl, you lookin like a little girl' when she saw me and torrey was like 'what, you trying to look young?' or something like that. so i took those out when i got home. i can't be having that.

torrey asked me the other day why i don't drink anymore and it's because the last time i drank, i got so messed up. i threw up, my stomach was banging. now when i even smell alcohol, i get sick. plus, i just don't have time. i work on the weekends and work on the weekdays, so there's no time for me to deal with any hangovers. when i drink, i like to drink to the point of intoxication, not just casual drinking. but i've been thinking about it, and i think i do want to get fucked up again. i think i may have to holla at that thought.

my drug of choice now is mary jane baby! the thing with me and marijuana is this...it makes me feel really good. it makes me feel really happy and free. i'm that person who, when they smoke marijuana, starts laughing at EVERYTHING! and when i say EVERYTHING, i mean EVERYTHING. i can't believe that i'm that person. usually, when i smoke, i smoke with 'xxxxx' and 'yyyyyyy' and sometimes 'zzzzzzz'. i'm not gonna say their names because who knows who could be reading this. but i'll be smoking with them and they'll start feeling it right away. 'xxxxx' just gets really loose and relaxed when she smokes. 'yyyyyyy' gets relaxed and cool too. 'zzzzzz' gets really paranoid when she smokes. i mean, she gets really paranoid. and me, i just start laughing my ass off. i laughed so hard one time, i seriously thought i might have died. i could not breath, but i could not stop laughing. and it was just deep, continuous laughter for like a really long time. one time, 'xxxxxx' said "and his lip was like this" and made this stupid face and i just lost it. i laughed harder than i ever laughed in my entire life and it wasn't even that funny. i mean, i always end up on my knees, on the floor, on my back laughing. it's so uncontrollable. torrey thinks its an act, but it really isn't. i really do be feeling that shit.

so i'm that girl. i'm that person. i guess it's cause i'm so silly anyways and always laughing and joking, it's really appropriate that i'd be that person. i haven't smoked in a weeks because i'm afraid they'll do a random drug test at my job, but i've been there for months and they haven't done one yet. they haven't even said that they do do those, so i think after my exams this week and after my exam next monday, ya girl is gonna get fucked up.

jenny "who's ready to get fuucked up?" jenn jenn

sex is soooo overated. like, when you think about it...sex should just be a perk in a relationship. it should be something that just makes the relationship better. it shouldn't be the thing that makes or breaks the relationship. the relationship should already be banging before that. it should just be the icing on the cake.

and i got all that from watching The Tool Academy on VH1. its a show about girlfriends who brought their boyfriends to this tool academy because they were huge d-bags and the girlfriends wanted the boyfriends to change. but this one tool said that and it just clicked in me. that's exactly right. that's exactly what sex should be. but its just so casual and thrown around. i guess i'm just from the old school. i think you should be with a guy and be in love with them before you sleep with them. and i swear i'm the only one who thinks this way today. and it's not that i haven't been in love with guys, it just hasn't felt like the right time for me.

the only person i know that's my age and still a virgin is, incidentally enough, daniel. me and daniel went out in high school like two months before i went out with HIM. and for a guy to still be a virgin at 23, i really dig that. i'm gonna be 24 in three months. 24 and no "p" in the "va-gee" (that's from superbad).

i've seen superbad like 100 times now. i pretty much know all the words now. it is so funny.

but anyways...sex. i'm about to turn 24, i'm about to graduate from college, i'm a black girl. it's like, i've beaten all of the odds. i know girls who are 14, 15, 16 who already have kids. i said "kids" with an "s". it's just like...i'm about to be out of my prime. when my mom was 24, she already had two kids. i'm gonna be 30 in 6 years. oh my god! 6 years isn't far from now.

i want to have kids and a big house and a husband and a dog and a nice car (maybe two), and my family, and above everything else...i want to be really really happy. i'm not gonna be able to have half of that unless i start giving it up.

i'm seriously thinking i may need to go see someone about this. like a professional. i have some problems. i have some problems and i need some resolutions. i can't be this way. i'm never gonna keep a guy if i stay this way. a guy hears that you're a virgin and they want to be with you cause they think that they'll be the one that you're gonna give it up to, but when they realize that they aren't the one...they start messing around and they eventually just lose interest and want to go somewhere else.

but i'm ranting because i'm frustrated right now. i was fine all day and i didn't even start thinking about this until i sat down and started watching "seeing other people". i love the movie, but it just puts me in a bad mood. it makes me take a long hard look at myself. maybe i shouldn't watch it anymore. but it's so good.

but it's not like i don't want sex. i do want sex. it just makes me sooooo uncomfortable to think of actually doing it. i'll be making out with torrey sometimes and think to myself, 'i wish he'd just rip all my clothes off, bend me over, and just have me.' but when i think about it, i think 'i don't really want to do that.'

but on a positive note...i don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy scares, all that crap.

i'm scared to death that i will never get over this.

for the longest time after me and HIM ended, i thought that i didn't want to have kids for a long time (i had started thinking how much i really wanted kids when i was with HIM). but recently, it's been sneaking up on me again. i'm almost 24, i'm at the childbearing age (i have been for a while), and now i can't wait (again) to have kids of my own. i used to want to have a son first, but now i really want to have a little girl.

on that note, i'm about to go...i'm getting more and more depressed.

the scene on "seeing other people" just came on where the alice and her fiance ed were arguing about seeing other people and sleeping with other people. she was talking about how he had slept with so many people and he was talking about how she was only sleeping with one. she said "you're the one who's having all the meaningless sex!" and he said "i know, it's meaningless! i can't stand it, it's so meaningless!" but he's in love with her. he's so in love with her. and then this book i had to read for my english class, So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba, this African dude is a really rich lawyer and he marries this girl that he's so in love with. his parents don't like her cause she's kinda poor and lower class than them, but he really loves her and wants to be with her, regardless. and then his mother finds out this other girl for him to marry (they're muslim, so they're allowed to have three wives) and he does. he says he only does because his mom is making him and she would be so sad if he refuses. so he marries this young girl and sleeps with her and everything. has all these kids by her. the first wife left him and he talks about how much he misses her and wants to be with her and only her and is only with the younger girl because his mom is making him, but he continues to sleep with this other girl and have all of these kids by her.

that's a dude for you.

ok, i'm really gonna go now. i have a genetics test and micro test to study for. peace out.

jenny "what, you want me to eat my desert by myself like i'm fucking steven glansburg" jenn jenn

i've had a really bad day.

i have a headache.

is it december yet?

jenny

my new years resolutions are not going how i wanted them to go. i don't think i'm following through with any of them.

i said i was gonna be doing the video posts but...nah. i had to think about that one. i don't know if i want video of myself on the web. that's not good. i even recorded a couple video blogs that i was gonna post, but i think it's no.

it's so cold outside. i never talk about the weather. i think we're gonna get some snow this year...hopefully. hopefully its on a day i have to go to work or class, which is everyday basically. that way i can stay in bed with my honey bunny all day. he's not really good at snuggling though. that's one thing i don't really like about him. i like to be snuggled. but anyway, i won't get into that.

oh, looks like i have about twelve classes left before i graduate and not ten after the spring, but that's still doable too. that's only six classes for summer then six for fall. very doable.

i need to do some homework. i'll holla bitches.

jenny

i was just looking at my little course layout thing and i just realized that after this spring semester, i only have like ten more classes to go before i can graduate, which means this december. I can usually take about 8 classes at a time, so that means i may even have room to take some classes that I want to take just for fun.

woooow. at the end of the year, i'll be a college grad with a degree in biolog with a concentration in microbiolog and a minor in chemistry and i am gonna party my ass off. once i graduate, i am gonna go out to a club or something and just show out. i am so excited, i cannot wait.

well, it's 2009. we all stayed home. it was me, sam, vickey, landon, and vickey's brother and his two sons and vickey's sister and her husband. we all pretty much sat in the living room and watched some comic view and then watched the ball drop. it was ok. i just hope next year is a lot more memorable.

so i'm being forced to say this (not really) but torrey says he will not stay with me if i cheat on him. (i still think he will).

moving right along. i've been told by a few guys that i seem hard. emotionless. i don't express my feelings as openly as most females do. i don't say 'oh i love you so much' or any of that. but that's just me. i don't know where it comes from or why i do it, but i'm gonna try to be more 'soft' about it. maybe it comes from having so many brothers and growing up with them. we're just not that way. i was a hardcore tomboy for the longest time until i got into high school. i think that's where it may come from. but i will work on it for the new year.

i will attempt my first video blog in a few short days, so i hope that goes well. we'll see how it turns out.

well all righty then. i'm bout to go cause you ain't even talkin about nothin. yeah yeah yeah, ok, love you to. bye.

jenni

its the last day of 2008. 2008 was my first full year back in atlanta.

in 2009, i plan on letting go of a lot of things:
i will no longer sweat the small stuff
i will no longer speak/think of past relationships
i will only look to the future
i will try to be more outgoing
i will make "genuine" friends
i'm gonna be a better person

out with the old and in with the new.


vickey and her brother and her sister and some of their friends are going out tonight and they want me to babysit. they want to go to the underground and then go out to a club after that. they invited me along, but the club scene is not my thing. then they wanted me to go just to be their designated driver. fuuuck that! see, if torrey was here, i could have an excuse to go someplace. maybe i'll go hang with riche. i think at midnight, i'll just be knocked out. it's going to be nothing special this year. i've never had a really awesome new year's. they have all been pretty lame. next year, i'm going all out cause i should be a college grad by then. i'll have something to actually celebrate.

i've been really unhappy these past couple of days. when i'm up, i'm really up and when i'm down, i'm really down. i'm feeling really depressed. i just can't wait for classes to start back up on monday so i'll have something to do and be out of this house. i'm trying to look for some place else to live. i've overstayed my welcome at vickeys.

i miss those days when i had my own place. sometimes i wish i could go back in time and do so many things differently. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. me and darnell were talking the other day and he was like, if i could go back that he thinks i wouldn't be a virgin right now. and i was like, i know you don't think i'd give it up to 'HIM'. i wouldn't have even bothered myself with 'HIM' if i could go back. and he said no, not to 'HIM'. he wouldn't say who though. but i think i'd still be this way, i would have just ended up with someone else. but it's a waste of time thinking about the past and the shoulda coulda wouldas cause there's nothing i can do about it.

torrey told me once that if i took too long to give it up to him, he was gonna have to let me go...but that nigga ain't goin nowhere. he's not. i think he'll wait longer than 'HE' did. i know he will. he'll wait as long as it takes. so i think if and when we ever break up, it'll be because of something that i do. i told him i was going to go to the West Meck Reunion and come back "busted wide open, then try to come right back" (like that song) and he was like, then that's it for me. but honestly, if i did have sex with someone else, i think he'd be mad at me for a really long time, but i don't think he'd want to leave me. he would try to work things out.

did i mention that his mom doesn't like me? that's so funny. how can you not like a virgin? if you wanted your son with anybody, it should be a virgin. and i'm a smart, pretty girl...i'm gonna be a doctor. but she doesn't like me. i don't know why. it's all good though. i think she's starting to warm up to me though. it's weird though cause moms generally like me.

geeze, i guess i've had a lot on my mind the past few months. but as of today, the last day of 2008, i'm going to try to keep it in 2008. less than 1 year from now, i hope to be done with Georgia State and making my way to medical school. or i could just stop and work at the CDC right outta Georgia State and still make really good money. but i don't want to think about that. it sounds really really tempting. but since i'm graduating a biology major with a concentration in microbiology and a minor in chemistry, i can go to work for the CDC as a Microbiologist. i already looked up the requirements and I meet the education requirements, just not the required experience. i'm gonna try to do some Microbiology volunteer work this year to cover that. but they pay from like $70,000 to over $124,000 a year. i could definitely work with that. and if i end up with torrey, being a physicist, he'll be making bank too. we could be swimming in dough. but i don't know, i've wanted to be a doctor for as long as i can remember. i'm gonna stick it out, stick with opthalmology. or gerontology/geriatrics. there's this optometrist, Dr. Anderson, that has an eye clinic at a Kroger up the street from where I live. I'm gonna go there Monday after class and see if i can't volunteer there for a couple times a week.

and i have to be taking my mcats soon. the end is so close i can taste it.

i just washed my hair the other night and my hair is growing! my fro is sooo huge now. it's about time.

ok, so it's 5 pm. i'm gonna go take a nap. ttyl.

jennifer

i'm pretty cheesed off right now. i'm in a really bad mood.

anyways, i'll holla.

jenn

it's been almost a whole year since i blogged last. that is so crazy. well it's going to be the new year soon and i resolve to blog at least once a week. i say this all the time, but it lets me release some steam so i'm gonna start it back on up.

i wanna try some video blogs too...a vlog. i'm gonna try to experiment with that. i wanna post pictures and just make this a new thing. i've been blogging since i was 17. i'm almost 24 now. it's so crazy how time just flies by. that's seven years. life is just so different now.

anyways, expect to hear from me soon.

xoxo
jenny

UPDATE!!

ok, so its been a little while since i've blogged...again.

well, i left off last being halfway through my vacation in charlotte. i had a pretty good time. i hung out with people i hadn't seen in a while and i hung out with new people. it was all good times. the person that i hung out with that changed the most since i saw them last was nate. that dude has done a complete 360. he used to be small and fraile and geeky in high school. he's all thick and big and good looking now. it was great. i hung out with him and this other dude we went to high school with. i was sitting up there for an hour before i realized who the other dude was. i used to see that dude every single day at the walmart by my old apartment and one day he even asked me if i went to west meck and that he knew me. so anyway, the three of us hung out for a few hours...talked shit about people we knew. it was fun.

the most fun i had on my trip was playing laser tag with my brother josh, two of his friends, sam, and like 20-30 other kids at the laser tag place. it was so so so much fun. i need to find a laser tag place around here in atlanta. out of the 30 something people playing, i came in fourth. that was my first time and i did so good. it was great. josh came in after me, fifth, and he's supposed to be a marine. they better not get me up there in the marines. i'd be shooting at anything moving. oh yeah, i need to go out to the range and do some damage with a real weapon.

so i stuck by what i said and didn't hang out with lamar. that's cool cause now i know i have some control over my feelings now....or my lack of feelings i should say. it's good. over the next two years, i think i'll probably end back up in charlotte only about twice...max. so that's even better. even less chances to see him. hopefully the next break i get, which won't be until thanksgiving, i'll finally get to go to florida to visit my mama. oh yeah, i'm going back to charlotte for one weekend in may to take sam to her prom. then i have to go right back home cause i have summer classes. i'm gonna be so overwhelmed this summer. but i want to graduate at the end of next year, so i need to jump on the ball.

i got home from charlotte this past sunday night and went straight over to torrey's to spend the night. i was so excited to see him. it had felt like forever. and that kiss we had when i got back...HOTT! it was really good. the best kiss i've had in a week ;) no, but it was much needed.

i kinda missed atlanta and missed going to class, if you can believe that. i really did. we have like 6 more weeks before the semester is over. thank god.

i'm thinking about a couple new schools now. either university of southern california for gerontology or university of southern florida for gerontology. they both offer PhD's in gerontology and they make over $250 a year. i can live with that. i'm going to go see a lady who knows about schools and careers in gerontology on monday.

i'm glad that i finally pulled my shit together. it seems like lamar was the thing that was holding me back from accomplishing what i needed to accomplish. after i left him, i finally decided to pull my shit together. all my affairs are falling into place and i think i'm even happier. i'm not happy that he's sleeping with someone, but overall, i am happier.

so anyways, today, actually since yesterday, torrey has been acting up again. he's really starting to piss me off. his attitude. it's bugging me. like i told him...i've done the drama thing for the past five years with lamar, i don't have the time to put up with it anymore. i started dating him cause i was pretty sure it would be laid-back and drama-free but he's starting to bug me a little. i love him and everything, but DAMN! we'll see how it works out. i just want something laid-back and stress/drama free and easy and fun. that is a lot to ask for, but i'm allowed to have some standards.

ok. i'm done. i need to go study or do something productive. peace out.

jenny

can you believe that this ugly bitch is actually one of the main reasons that me and lamar broke up?

hey, whatever floats your boat. like i've said so many times before, i guess sex really does prevail above all else.

oh, so there's so much to talk about. let me start off with the gavin degraw concert.

the gavin degraw concert was all that i thought it would be and more. it was awesome. i got my backstage passes via fedex on monday and i was just excited at that point. then, on wednesday, i got up early and started getting stuff in order to go. i got to torrey's room around 3-ish and we had to be there by 4:30 for the soundcheck. now everybody knows i like to be at places early. not on time, not late, but early. so i get there and he's still doing homework or whatever and i'm like, well i gotta go; i'm not about to miss this for you. so i leave and he jumps in the shower as i leave. i catch marta (cause i hate driving around atlanta and its convenient) and make it there with like 15 minutes to spare. when i get there, it's cold as hell (like in the 30s) and they make us wait outside (there were like 20 people) for almost an hour. it was freezing. torrey made it in time and didn't have to wait out as long as i did. but anyways..

we show our passes and ids and we got let inside the building. as we were all waiting in the lobby, i could hear gavin doing his soundcheck and i just melted. wow. my first taste of gavin live. it was hot. i was looking around and no one else seemed to care and i just wanted to smile and cry and laugh, but i didn't want to look like a jackass. so we go in after they've checked everyone's ids and i see gavin on the stage chatting with someone. OMFG!!! he looks so so so sexy in person. it was hot. we all walked up to the stage and he started telling jokes that were so not funny, but those white folks there were laughing it up like he was dave chapelle or something. but he was cute telling them anyways. i forgot what he was talking about. that's how lame it was. so he chitchats with everyone as a group then plays a couple of songs for us and then comes down to meet and greet with us. he meets the radio winners first and then the fan club winners last. when he gets to me, i am so stupid, i couldn't think of anything to say that was clever or whatever. i just asked him to sign my gavin degraw chariot cassette tape case. so he signs it and he was like "oh shit, i didn't know they made these" cause i had asked him if he had ever seen chariot on tape. he had no idea and he was so shocked and laughing. i asked him if chariot was on vinyl so i could play it on my record player and he was like, he had no idea. so after that small chitchat, we took a pic and he shook my hand and torrey's and took a pic with us and said something like, 'be good' or something like that and i was like, 'you should go get one of those cassettes' and he was like 'yeah, then i would have to go get a cassette player'. it was so funny. he was like 'i didn't even know they still made cassettes after 1980' and i was like 'i know right, i got this one from singapore' and he was like 'oh, you were in singapore' and i said no, that i bought it online from singapore. so at least i did something different, something that would stand out from all those other psychos that he meets. no one brought a cassette of his to sign before, so that was really cool. i know he'll mention me to someone at some point in his life for that.

so after all that was done and over, we all left and had to come back in about a half hour for the actual show. afterwards, i thought of all this great stuff to say and ask him. i wanted a hug from him and a picture with just him and me and not torrey in it, but i guess i could just crop him out, but its just not the same. i wanted to ask him if he would strip the new album and i wanted to ask him this and that. but oh well. i'm so sure that i'll see him again one day.

his new album comes out on april 15 and i will have it on april 15. i can't wait. when i first heard his new song "i'm in love with a girl", i did not like it at all. but now, i love it. at the concert, this dude landon pigg opened up. he sang that song "falling in love at a coffee shop" on that diamonds commercial. he was pretty good. and then gavin came out with "i don't want to be" and the crowd just lit up. it was hot. me and torrey kinda got in line late cause torrey was acting up (i won't get into it) but we kinda just pushed our way to like the third row, which was really good. there were these tall ass folks in front of me though and i'm only 5'3, so that ticked me off a bit, but it was all right. he did a few songs from chariot and a lot of his new songs from the new album. i sung along to the songs that i knew (all the ones from chariot and a couple of others) and bobbed my head along to the ones that i didn't. gavin looked at me like 15 times too during the concert, it was so awesome. the first few times he did it, i turned to torrey and said 'he just looked at me, did you see him' and he was like 'duh' like he was annoyed or something. he started getting annoyed pretty early on and looking like he wanted to leave or something. if i could go back, i really really wish sam could have come with me. she's into gavin too, unlike torrey, and she would have had a lot more fun with me and i would have had a lot more fun with her had she gone. i had found out from these two white girls that me and torrey had met after we left the soundcheck that he had asked them to stay afterwards for drinks (and had i not been with torrey, i'm pretty sure he would have asked me too cause those two girls that he asked looked really old and not cute--but i'll get my time with him one day).

so he ended the show with "chariot" and "relative" and that was it. it was amazing. i loved it. i wish i had recorded the whole show, but i didn't know how to work my camera like that (i just figured out that i could have recorded up to three hours of video on my camera two days ago).

so the day after the concert, i came to charlotte. well, i'm in fort mill right now, until about sunday i think. i may leave a little earlier cause i just realized i have a lot of homework due on monday and tuesday and i brought none of my books or notebooks. but so far i'm having a really good time. me and sam laughed the hardest i have laughed in a really really long time the other night. so far, i've met up with a couple of people that i haven't seen in forever and i'm meeting up with someone (who, at this point, will remain nameless so that my boyfriend won't break up with me)tomorrow and then this other person (who will also remain nameless) on friday. my brother josh will be here this weekend and then i go home.

torrey has really been stressing over me coming up here. i told him that i was planning on meeting a couple of people that he should be worried about. he thought i was gonna be meeting up with lamar, but AS IF! what do i need to see him for? i don't think so. there's some other people who i haven't seen in a while that deserve my time. so that should be fun. i asked torrey if he would be mad if i had a meaningless kiss with a person or two and he got pissed off. no, he doesn't want me doing all that. what a hater! see, i always tell on myself. when i kissed that one dude when i was going out with lamar, i told him before and after i did it. i never lie. so i mean, if it happens, it happens. i told torrey about me possibly doing it before time and if i do end up doing it, i will tell him. i'm young, and if a dude wants to kiss me, i'm not gonna stop it. i'm just gonna have to face the reprecussions. i really don't see anything wrong with kissing anyways. unless you're in love with the person, i really think the kiss would be meaningless (wait, let me stop while i'm ahead).

so anyways, my stay in the carolinas is just about over. i gotta say though, when i first arrived in the city a few days ago, i did get these overwhelming feelings from the past rush over me. having a great job, a great apartment. having sam over every weekend. having lamar. and i was wishing so bad that lamar would call me and that we would get to hang out and catch up. but when he actually did text me, i was like, what the hell was i thinking? this dude has a girlfriend now (which he had no problem telling me that he was screwing--almost like he was rubbing it in) and he's trying to meet up with me? that's not right. that's the same bullshit he was doing with other girls when we were going out. i won't put his girlfriend through the unnecessary drama. i don't want to see him that bad. i really don't want to see him at all. that wouldn't be healthy to me. i'm still trying to get over him completely, that would just set me back from all the progress i've made so far. and what made me mad when he was texting me was that he said that his girlfriend knew about me and knew about everytime that he talked to me and all i could think was, why couldn't he be that way with me? why couldn't he tell me when he was talking to some other chick instead of me having to snoop through his things (and him even locking his phone on me) to find things out? besides, he's in a sexual relationship now, why in the world does he need to see me? who cares? that's what angers me the most about him now, that he's having sex with some chick. he told me a few weeks ago that when he's with her, he can't imagine being with anyone else. again, after five years or however long it was with me, that's all i wanted from him. had he only felt that way for me, we would have been fine. but i just wasn't enough for him, but only after what i imagine to be only a few weeks, he feels this way about some other chick. i guess sex speeds shit up like that. when you're sleeping with someone, there's this whole level of emotions that you share that you just can't compare with a sexless relationship, no matter how short or long it was. i still wouldn't trade my sexlessness for that...not just yet. so i'm very proud of myself for having the strength to turn down his invitation of catching up. that just shows that i really am getting over this dude.

so anyways, besides that. i can't wait for school to be over. i am so ready to finish up at georgia state and move onto the next stage of my life. i so look forward to moving again. i'm so used to always moving. i love moving. which is why i'm looking into going into the military's medical school again. i mean, it's free med school, almost $2k a month for four years while i'm in school, free housing and free money for food, and i get to travel the world as a doctor when i'm done with the four years of med school. i would love that. so it looks like the two schools i'll be applying to for med school are morehouse (even though there's no way in hell i can afford it) and the military's med school (which will probably be my first choice). i think after i graduate next fall, i'm gonna stop writing in this blog. i'll be too busy with med school and plus, i don't think i want people in my business anymore. if they want to know what's going on in my life, they should just call me and ask me. yeah, i think that'll be a plan. so i guess after jan 1, 2010, this blog will be no more. maybe i'll write in it once in a blue moon, but i'll only talk about general stuff. probably no details about my life. i don't know yet. it's too soon to tell.

ok then, well i guess i'm gonna roll out now. oh, and i shot some video at the gavin concert that i tried to post on here, but they wouldn't, so i'll just put them up on my myspace page (hopefully sometime before the week is over with) and i'll put the rest of the concert pics and some pics of me and torrey up on my myspace page and my facebook page.

all right then folks, peace out.

jenny

THE GAVIN DEGRAW CONCERT and just some random, newer pics of me

it's been a long week. let's see, what have i been up to? i'll start with the bad stuff that happened and end with the good stuff (and it's really really really good.)

ok, so the bad stuff:
torrey has been acting up. we were in chem lab on thursday night and i was trying to do my distillations and i went to go wash out some of my equipment and i saw torrey at another sink. i started washing out my stuff and i look over at torrey and he's doing something at the sink, then this girl walks by that i suspected he had a little thing for and so i see this jackass totally look at her non-existant white ass for a good two or three seconds and then continue what he was doing. i walked up to him and asked him: "WTF?!" he acted like he didn't know what the hell i was talking about. i was pissed off for the rest of the night and instead of hanging with him after lab like i usually do, i cut it short and went home. he knew i was pissed cause i didn't call him.

so the next day, i went to go see him and we talked about it. he admited that he was looking cause he thought she was cute and he said that what he saw was nice and that he was attracted to her. this really pissed me off. he said he was just looking to look though. i immediately thought back to the time me and lamar were in the mall this one time and we were at the check out counter of express and this white girl walks up and pays for something and that asshole stuck his head over there and looked this girl up and down like i was not even there. like i was invisible or something. that had really pissed me off. i used to think that some guys were above that. i thought lamar was above that (only in the beginning) and i thought torrey was definitely above that, but i guess not. there has to be a few guys that are.

torrey explained it best as to why girls get mad as to why guys look. girls get mad cause they think their man is looking cause they're not satisfied with what they have. i guess subconciously, that's why i do get mad. that was the first time i had caught torrey doing something like that. he's usually looking only at me. i hadn't had any problems with him. he usually seems pretty into me and me alone. but he did slip up that day. and what made me mad was that this white girl had a flat ass and he said he liked it and my ass is so the opposite. i have a round ass and he said he liked mine too. but i am not gonna sweat that dude like that. if he doesn't like it, oh well. i could really care less. i know plenty of dudes who would love to be all over it.

anyways, what i got from this whole experience was that i realized something. i don't really see myself being married to this dude in the future and having his kids. i know we're really early in our relationship, but i just don't see it yet. maybe its cause i've imagined those things happening to me with someone else for so long that i just can't see me doing it with anyone else. but i don't know. i realized that torrey may not be "THE ONE" either. i'm having a really good time right now with him, but i think there may be a better person out there for me for the long run. i love him, but i think there may be a better fit for me out there somewhere.

now the SUPER SUPER SUPER good news:
well, you should know by now that i'm going to be going to this gavin degraw concert on wednesday. well a little while back (like three or so weeks ago), i entered this contest for backstage passes or whatever it was. so, on thursday, i was in english class and i was checking my email on my phone and saw that i got an email from SONY BMG in new york city. turns out, someone else had won the passes for atlanta, but they hadn't responded in time and so i was the alternative winner for my city. i won two soundcheck and meet and greet tickets for the wednesday show. when i found out, i swear to god, i had half a mind to walk out of the classroom, out of the building and scream my ass off. i was screaming so loudly on the inside. after class was over, i hurried to a computer, printed off the forms, but couldn't do anything with them until the next morning because it was so late in the day already. i only had like 36 hours to respond, fax the necessary items, notarize some forms and express ship the forms to claim my prize and now, they said i'd get them by monday.

this is the thing i have wanted the most out of anything in my entire life. only two winners are chosen from each city from what i understand. it says that a quick soundcheck will be performed before the show for the two winners and their guest and after the soundcheck, gavin will come down and meet the two winners. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! now, i really have to go pick out a cute outfit and get some fresh batteries for my camera, get my hair straight, my nails done, my makeup right. it's gonna be the best night of my life i know it. i'm so nervous already. i think i'm gonna slip up and say something stupid or not be able to talk at all. this is amazing.

so i will try to take plenty of pictures. they say no cameras allowed, but i'm brining mine anyways. my camera phone sucks, so i'm gonna try to borrow vickey's phone. her phone and her camera phone is so much better than mine. she has a razor. i'm finally gonna get my sprint rumor in may, but i'm thinking about going ahead and getting one before this show starts so i can get some good pictures AND video. i have to figure out something quick.

i'm gonna go today to shop for what i want to wear. but i can't be slutty cause it's gonna only be a high of about 40 degrees that day.

so that'll be on wednesday. on that friday, i should be heading up to charlotte for a little over a week. i'm excited about that too. torrey wanted me to go meet his parents and stay with him for the first couple of days of spring break in his hometown. i'm still thinking about it, but i'm not sure. it's so sweet though cause lamar was never really enthusiastic or adamant about me meeting his family. so for a guy to be so into me that he wants his family to know me, i love it. torrey honestly makes me feel like a princess. from the way he holds me, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me. i've never had that before.

my birthday is in two months. i'm gonna be 23. oh gosh. and torrey will still be 20. oh damn. lol, that's not right.

anyway, i think i need to get myself together so i can go out and get my outfit. i'll holla atcha.

love,
jennifer

i had a really weird dream last night. i dreamt the world was over. i've had this dream (well different versions of it anyways) several times.

last night, i dreamt that (now i'm gonna start at the middle; i can't remember the beginning) i was looking out my window and i saw the moon wasn't really there. instead, there were tiny fragments of moon that were disintegrating into glimmering stardust. after the last fragment had completely disintegrated, it was completely dark outside. no lights at all. i then went into my living room to ask vickey what the heck was going on. she was just sitting on the couch in darkness watching tv and holding a baby (who i'm assuming was landon). on the tv, there was like a countdown of some sort. above the countdown clock, there was a temperature gauge. the temp kept going up and up. i asked vickey, "is this the end of the world? are they counting down for the end of earth?" and she's like "yeah, the higher the temp goes up, the closer we are to the end" or something like that right? so we're just sitting there for like 15 seconds watching the temp go up at a very very high rate (it goes well into the hundreds) and then i just wake up.

f-r-e-a-k-y.

i also had a dream the other night that i went to charlotte for my spring break and i really really really fell out bad with my dad...yet again.

anyways, i'm going back to class (physics lecture). peace out.

jenny jenn jenn

so me and torrey had our valentine's day thing this past saturday and it was hands down the best valentine's day i have ever had in my entire life. it was so much fun.

well torrey had been planning this for a little while now, right. so we started off the weekend with him spending the night with me on friday night. so when we got up in the morning, we spent the day together. we left for his room kinda late. i gave him his gift. it was this fruit arranged like flowers. i got lamar something similar one valentine's day (in which i got nothing from him--not even a card). so i got him one and he liked it. he's into fruit, so i knew he'd love it. i got vickey one too and sam, my dad and mattie got to share one.

anyways, after i gave him that and his card, we headed to his room and he gave me flowers and this card that said the sweetest thing. this is some of what it said:

"...on tuesday while you were asleep and i was watching tv, i was watching you sleep. all of the emotions i feel for you culminated and swirled within me. i looked at you preciously and thought, "dammit she can sure as hell get on my nerves like no one else but asleep, albeit from extreme exhaustion, is so close to me, so close in fact as to have the ability to make me angrier than anyone else and hurt me worse than anyone. caring is dangerous. loving is dangerous. but i can't deny it. i love her. i'm scared half to death of the power she has but dammit, i love her." i then began to study your body. "look at jenny's hips, i like how they flow down to her thighs and how her inner thigh goes up to "there". mmmm, yeah she's fine and i can look at this all day and know this deeply." i just wanted you to know what goes through my mind at some really insignificant point in the day and how it ends up being special to me. it happens all the time...i love you. xoxo torrey."

it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever written to me/about me ever. it was touching. and so after the flowers and the card (i was so mad that he didn't get me candy--he always says i don't need to eat so much candy) we went around downtown atlanta. that's where we hit a problem. first of all, it was saturday night, so there were a lot of people anyway. but there were even more people cause there was some kind of cheerleader convention that night, so it was extra packed. every restaurant had over an hour wait. so we just decided to go to this diner that i always wanted to try, that's around campus. it was actually really great. i really liked it better i think than going to some fancy schmancy restaurant. and torrey was like, "you just want a burger huh". he thinks he knows me so well. well i did want a burger. i'm a burgers and fries kind of girl. low maintenance and laid back. a great catch. anyways, we did that, i had this awesome burger. so after that, we were gonna go see a movie, but it was getting late and i was getting so tired. i was dead sleepy, so we just went back to torrey's room and he said he had something else for me. he had drawn me a hot bubble bath with bubbles and flowers and everything. i guess he knows me. i love hot bubble baths. so that was really nice. probably my favorite part. and then he had one more thing for me, but it was late in arriving. so i'll be getting it some other time.

so all in all, it was very awesome.

then on sunday, he started acting up and i had to leave. but when i came back and we slept that night, he had his arm around me the whole night and it felt so great and special. for us to be mad at each other all day and then at night, he was all over me. i loved it. i love being held in my sleep. having a man's arms around me as we sleep. i feel so safe and protected. like nothing can happen to me as long as he's there.

so its monday night now and torrey's in the kitchen of his dorm cooking burritos. i'm not really hungry. i'm trying to slim down for this gavin degraw concert next wednesday. i had planned on wearing this skimpy shirt (with no bra, of course, i want my tits perky for this cute top i have) and this little skirt and sandals. i'm gonna do my hair up and get my nails and makeup done. it will be HOTT!!! but i have a problem now. it's supposed to be 48 degrees tops that day with rain and snow. damn! well i don't give a fuck, i'm doing what i planned on doing.

and the day after that, on thursday night, i'm 80% sure i'm going to charlotte for my spring break. sam really wants me to go hang out with her. like, she really really wants me to come. i might have to go hang out with my mom and brothers and sister in florida some other time. plus, there's a few people i wanted to hang out with and see while i'm in charlotte. i won't say because torrey might get mad, but i wanted to hang out with a few "people". some "people" have been asking about me and asking me when i'm coming back to charlotte, so i have to make a special guest appearance there. i haven't been there in like seven months. even though i didn't really hang with people while i lived there, "people" sure do miss me when i'm gone.

to this end, i'm gonna study for this bio quiz for tomorrow morning and then cuddle with my suga booga and go to sleep. i'll holla.

love,
jenny

i've learned tonight that, for such a small body, i have a very high tolerance of alcohol. i can never seem to get myself drunk. sure, i may have felt a little bit buzzed in the past, but i can't even get myself really tipsy. what's the deal? there are cases of smaller girls who can outdrink men. i think i may be one of them.

i was drinking champagne tonight and vickey was too. she drunk half of what i drank and she was getting a buzz. i drank way more than her and felt nothing.

d'ah well (yeah, i snatched that one from torrey).

peace out.

jenn

i masturbated three times today.

i love my boyfriend and everything, but homeboy is J-E-A-L-O-U-S! for whatever reason (i guess cause i have a lot of guy friends), he thinks i'm stepping out on him which is so funny cause i am like the most faithful, honest person i know. anyone who really knows me knows that. i don't like and cheat. but it's so ironic cause i just got out of a relationship where i had a lying, cheating boyfriend, and now i'm in a new relationship where he thinks i'm the one that's lying and cheating. boy stop! i ain't "stunting" him like that. he hates when i say "stunting". lol, it's so funny. he's so spoiled.

ANYWAYS,

gotta go. peace out.

jenny

so the other night, there was a stalker peeking through my window.

i was laying in bed watching "the gauntlet III" and studying for my chemistry quiz. since i was studying, i had the tv muted so i could read. after a while, i heard some crunching outside my window. i hear it every once in a while because there's a lot of squirrels and cats around the neighborhood. so after a while, i realize that its not an animal, that someone is out there. so then i think its some hoodlums who always try to go and stay in the empty house next door. but usually, when i hear them, they just walk straight on back to the back of the empty house next door and just chill out there. so i hear this crunching. i hear it walking towards the back, but then it stops. it stops for like 20 seconds, then i hear it moving again, up closer. the first time, the crunching stopped at my first window. the second time, it stopped at my second window. i was like, "some motha fucka is looking at me right now through these windows". so i casually pop myself up like i forgot to get something out of the living room and walk into the living room where vickey is. i asked her if she heard some noise outside. i told her that it sounded like someone was walking around the house. then she told me that as i was walking into the living room, she heard someone running from the side of the house and out toward the street. so some creep was peeking through my window and saw me get up, so they ran away. SCARY!!! there are some real freaks in this world, i swear to god.

so the moral of the story is...now i'm gonna go ahead and get that stun gun i had been wanting. my brother cj was telling me that anyone could buy a stun gun...without a permit. so i looked them up and you can get them on ebay at pretty reasonable prices. they're small and look like cell phones. they also range in strength/voltage. they have some as low as 200,000 V and some as high as 1.3 million Volts. i'm gonna go ahead and get the 1.3 million volts taser. and i will keep it on me at all times.

i told torrey that i was gonna get one and that i was gonna test it out on him, but he doesn't want to be my guinea pig. he doesn't realize that it wasn't a choice. he's gonna get got. actually, i need to video tape it and then put it on my myspace page. yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. i'll probably even put it up on youtube.

anyways, me and torrey are doing our valentine's day stuff tomorrow. i'm so excited. it's gonna be great.

and i'm thinking about going to charlotte for my spring break in a couple weeks. i'm not really sure yet. it's either gonna be that or florida. this is going to be my last break for a while, until fall cause i'm gonna be in school full time this summer. but i have to go somewhere for spring break. charlotte would be cool, cause there's a few people who want to "visit" with me and sam will be there and my family and josh would probably come down. but, i haven't seen my mom in over a year. i would like to see her and my brothers and my sister. but i always go to see them. they have never once came to see me. i don't know yet. i have about a week or so i guess to decide what i want to do.

oh yeah, i didn't win that gavin degraw thing because on the last two days of the auction, they added the stipulation that the winning tickets were for his new york shows only. and they don't include the price of travel and hotel and all that good stuff. so i guess it wasn't meant to be. but one day, me and gavin will have our day. there's this contest on his fan website (yes, i am an official member of the fan club, how lame am i?) anyways, the contest is that the top five people to post his new song on any and every website that they visit will get a personal phone call from gavin degraw himself. OH-MY-GOD! i need to jump on that. that's so wild. the contest ends on march 17 and you're supposed to write up this log of where and how many times and different places that you posted his song widget. they go back, verify, and pick the top 5 winners. that can't be too hard i think. i'm gonna go for it. i need this.

oh god, i'm gonna be 23 in two months and i have a 20 year old boyfriend. uugh! lol, i feel like such a slut. oh well! being a slut is feeling pretty good right now. this younger man thing is all right. i'm digging it. gosh, we've been dating for like 4 months now. he keeps referring to us being together in the future. he's a physics major and today he was telling me about some research he was trying to apply for. he was going on and on and i told him that i was just bored to tears with what he was talking about and he said, "oh well. you're just gonna have to put up with it. that's all you're going to be hearing out of me for the next two years." and i was like "how do you figure we'll still be together in two years?" he is so optimistic. but i've learned not to count on anything like that. just gotta take each day at a time. but it's cool that he's really invested in it. i won't hold my breath though. just trying to keep it real.

but seriously though. i'm still trying to get down to 100 lbs. i want to get there by this summer so i can rock that two piece...if you know what i'm saying.

and i cannot believe that i'm about to be a 23 year old virgin. every year, i always say that this will be my last year as a virgin, but it just never works out for me. but being 23 and a virgin isn't that serious. there are far worse things to be. gosh, at 23, i should be married with kids already. i'm just so ripe and fresh for the picking. but i guess god has some grand plan for me. and everyday, i'm starting to realize that more and more. god has a plan and a reason why my life has been what it has been and why things have happened to me and why things will happen to me. i don't know. i've been feeling like i really need to go to church and hear the word and all that good stuff. they say the older you get, the more religious you get and i'm starting to feel that now. i think five years from now, i'll be a completely different person and i think i'll be so happy.

ok, my head is banging now. i'm gonna roll out. peace.

jennifer

hey, it's ya girl jenny.

lol, that was so dumb.

anyways, today is valentine's day. i have class all day (from 8 am to 10 pm) so me and torrey aren't celebrating until this weekend. we're gonna give each other our valentine's stuff on saturday then he's gonna take me out. see, this is what i'm talking about. this is normal boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. some dudes get it and some dudes just don't get it.

anyways, i was looking into what i might want to do about school. i'm thinking about skipper the med school thing since i probably won't be getting into the school that i want to get into and just go get my phD in gerontology and become a gerontologist. they make up to $250k a year. i can work with that. that's what i wanted to be initially. so now i have to find schools that have doctorate programs in gerontology and there are not that many of them. most of them are in california, some in oregon and washington, so more than likely, if i don't go to med school at morehouse, i'll be moving to the west coast in the next 2 to 3 years. i'm kinda excited about that. i'm gonna go talk to my advisor tomorrow about what i can do.

anyways, i'm gonna go ahead and drop landon off and head on up to school.

i'll holla.

love, jenny

"Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."

i read this on someone's facebook page and thought about how true it is. this one sentence, 11 words sums up the over 5 years me and lamar were together. i can't think of a more perfect way to describe what we had.

oh yeah, paradise hotel 2 starts tonight. i am so excited.

and torrey met my brother cj last night. the three of us went to go see a movie. it was fun.

torrey keeps telling me he has something special planned for valentine's day and i totally forgot that i had to do something for him until he brought it up the other day. dang! i totally forgot. now i have 10 days to come up with something.

jennifer

this made me feel so much better.

so, i've decided, to stay celibate/abstinent/virgin for a long time. fuck, it's not the end of the world if i don't have sex. there are plenty of 22 year olds and older who don't do it. an ex boyfriend of mine is about to be 23 and he's still a virgin. i'm not gonna fall into the pressure of guys begging me for it. fuck that. and if that means i have to be by myself, well what - the - fuck - ever!

i'm getting tired of engaging in these sexual activities. i'm done. i'm officially waiting for marriage. i thought about giving it up in the past and recently, but naah! i'm better than that. i'm gonna finish undergrad, go to med school, and just do me.

i'm starting to feel, too, that i shouldn't have jumped myself into this relationship that i'm in now. i've been really wanting to be single recently and i have no idea why. i don't need to be in another long term relationship. me and torrey are going on four months now. i need to start setting relationship limits for myself, or just not date at all. i need to do me for a while. i've been in long term relationship after long term relationship. i'm coming to realize that i'm not a long term relationship type of girl. maybe i'll just stay single until i can figure out what i need.

and fuck this blog.

i really had trouble getting up this morning. i only got a little under three hours last night. and the night before that, i only got about 4 hours. so in the past two days, i've gotten less than 7 hours of sleep. i will be going to starbucks this morning. or saxby's. that's opening on campus this morning. all students and faculty get a free cup today.

i have this bio quiz this morning. i'm really prepared this time. i've found that making flash cards is extremely helpful. i used to think that i wouldn't be one of those lame asses that didn't do that, but i guess i am now.

i think torrey is one of the most understanding boyfriends a girl could get. i told him that i was mad about something lamar had told me and he was so understanding and comforting to me. i was mad and sad for like two days, but he kept trying to make me laugh and make me smile and telling me that it was all ok. most dudes would have gotten ticked off that i was thinking about my ex. but he's cool. i guess i'll keep him.

getting straight a's this semester is not looking completely impossible right now. in fact, it looks very likely.

i was looking at the university of new mexico website and to be accepted into their med school, they don't require any maths!!! dunh dunh dunh!!! that means, i don't really have to talk calculus. but i will anyway. besides, i might not even get into UNM. but that's definitly my first choice. i really want to move away from everyone i know and start fresh. but the thing is, they don't accept many out of state students. they usually only take about 75 med school students a year and 97% of those are from in state. i guess i could be in that few 3%. but most of that 3% come from students that live around new mexico or have parents that live in new mexico. that really sucks, but i'm gonna apply anyway. i gotta see if there are any other med schools in new mexico.

i really need to look into doing my volunteer hours and research hours really soon if i want to get into a good med school. i don't have much time left here in georgia state.

four weeks until the gavin degraw concert...28 days. the countdown begins.

ok, TTFN (vickey loves saying this now, it is so annoying).
jenny

oh yeah, i forgot.

so i bought my gavin degraw tickets the exact second they went on sale. so i was looking on ebay to see if they would have jacked up prices for tickets on there. so i looked...and they did. and a lot of these sellers were selling the tickets for up to about $179 for two tickets. the damn tickets were only $26.50 each. and at most places, they weren't even sold out, as the sellers were claiming. i hope the idiots on ebay check ticketmaster before they get chumped out like that. that is such a rip off.

anyway, there's this bid on charitybuzz.com for two front row tickets to a gavin degraw concert and a one on one piano lesson from him. the auction ends in eight days and only one person has bid so far and she bid $1000. i think i'm gonna try for it. i'm gonna end up spending up my summer tuition money, but i think it might be worth it. hell, i'll find the money from somewhere. but i won't bid over $1500, i had to set a limit for myself, or i'll get greedy with lust for this dude and blow all my money.

but hopefully i won't win so i can actually stick with this schedule that i have and take the 5 classes that i planned on taking this summer. if they had winter sessions like they had summer sessions, i could be graduating at the end of this year i think. how lame.

ok, i think i'm done for real this time.

jenny "love whore" jenn jenn

i miss darnell. he kinda just dropped me after me and torrey started dating, but i really miss him. he made me laugh. and he cared about me. i haven't talked to him in three months.

the thing about torrey is, he doesn't laugh at all of my jokes. and i think i'm pretty funny. he laughs at most of them, but not nearly enough as i want him to. but whatever!

and i keep finding these hairs, white girl hairs, in his bed sheets. and not even one or two, but several.

all guys are dogs, but i can't do anything about it anymore, so i might as well embrace it.

ok, i'm done talking nonsense.

love,
jennifer aka "mikey's girl"

i love my brothers...all of them.

they know how to treat a lady...or their sister anyway.

if i don't graduate at the end of next year, i'll kill myself. or at least by spring '10. if i didn't take those 3 or 4 classes that i already had credit for, i could be graduating next spring. i'm such a dumbass sometimes.

i can't wait to go to med school. i'm leaning more towards new mexico than morehouse. we'll see.

jenny

i'm slowly losing the battle with my addition to coffee.

damn you Starbucks and your rich, smooth blends of mild Colombian coffee, my favorite. and your espresso brownies and rice krispie cakes and chocolate loafs.

and damn me for buying a jar of folgers colombian blend coffee so now i can drink a cup every morning before i go out.

i have a problem now, i know it.

i need a venti cup right now.

jenny

my glasses broke yesterday. i went and spent last night with torrey and when i went back to his room after my labs today, he had fixed them for me. he is so sweet.

anyways, i'm gonna go study for this chemistry exam for tomorrow. peace out.

jenny

torrey found out about my blog...dunh dunh dunh!