its the last day of 2008. 2008 was my first full year back in atlanta.

in 2009, i plan on letting go of a lot of things:
i will no longer sweat the small stuff
i will no longer speak/think of past relationships
i will only look to the future
i will try to be more outgoing
i will make "genuine" friends
i'm gonna be a better person

out with the old and in with the new.


vickey and her brother and her sister and some of their friends are going out tonight and they want me to babysit. they want to go to the underground and then go out to a club after that. they invited me along, but the club scene is not my thing. then they wanted me to go just to be their designated driver. fuuuck that! see, if torrey was here, i could have an excuse to go someplace. maybe i'll go hang with riche. i think at midnight, i'll just be knocked out. it's going to be nothing special this year. i've never had a really awesome new year's. they have all been pretty lame. next year, i'm going all out cause i should be a college grad by then. i'll have something to actually celebrate.

i've been really unhappy these past couple of days. when i'm up, i'm really up and when i'm down, i'm really down. i'm feeling really depressed. i just can't wait for classes to start back up on monday so i'll have something to do and be out of this house. i'm trying to look for some place else to live. i've overstayed my welcome at vickeys.

i miss those days when i had my own place. sometimes i wish i could go back in time and do so many things differently. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. me and darnell were talking the other day and he was like, if i could go back that he thinks i wouldn't be a virgin right now. and i was like, i know you don't think i'd give it up to 'HIM'. i wouldn't have even bothered myself with 'HIM' if i could go back. and he said no, not to 'HIM'. he wouldn't say who though. but i think i'd still be this way, i would have just ended up with someone else. but it's a waste of time thinking about the past and the shoulda coulda wouldas cause there's nothing i can do about it.

torrey told me once that if i took too long to give it up to him, he was gonna have to let me go...but that nigga ain't goin nowhere. he's not. i think he'll wait longer than 'HE' did. i know he will. he'll wait as long as it takes. so i think if and when we ever break up, it'll be because of something that i do. i told him i was going to go to the West Meck Reunion and come back "busted wide open, then try to come right back" (like that song) and he was like, then that's it for me. but honestly, if i did have sex with someone else, i think he'd be mad at me for a really long time, but i don't think he'd want to leave me. he would try to work things out.

did i mention that his mom doesn't like me? that's so funny. how can you not like a virgin? if you wanted your son with anybody, it should be a virgin. and i'm a smart, pretty girl...i'm gonna be a doctor. but she doesn't like me. i don't know why. it's all good though. i think she's starting to warm up to me though. it's weird though cause moms generally like me.

geeze, i guess i've had a lot on my mind the past few months. but as of today, the last day of 2008, i'm going to try to keep it in 2008. less than 1 year from now, i hope to be done with Georgia State and making my way to medical school. or i could just stop and work at the CDC right outta Georgia State and still make really good money. but i don't want to think about that. it sounds really really tempting. but since i'm graduating a biology major with a concentration in microbiology and a minor in chemistry, i can go to work for the CDC as a Microbiologist. i already looked up the requirements and I meet the education requirements, just not the required experience. i'm gonna try to do some Microbiology volunteer work this year to cover that. but they pay from like $70,000 to over $124,000 a year. i could definitely work with that. and if i end up with torrey, being a physicist, he'll be making bank too. we could be swimming in dough. but i don't know, i've wanted to be a doctor for as long as i can remember. i'm gonna stick it out, stick with opthalmology. or gerontology/geriatrics. there's this optometrist, Dr. Anderson, that has an eye clinic at a Kroger up the street from where I live. I'm gonna go there Monday after class and see if i can't volunteer there for a couple times a week.

and i have to be taking my mcats soon. the end is so close i can taste it.

i just washed my hair the other night and my hair is growing! my fro is sooo huge now. it's about time.

ok, so it's 5 pm. i'm gonna go take a nap. ttyl.

jennifer

i'm pretty cheesed off right now. i'm in a really bad mood.

anyways, i'll holla.

jenn

it's been almost a whole year since i blogged last. that is so crazy. well it's going to be the new year soon and i resolve to blog at least once a week. i say this all the time, but it lets me release some steam so i'm gonna start it back on up.

i wanna try some video blogs too...a vlog. i'm gonna try to experiment with that. i wanna post pictures and just make this a new thing. i've been blogging since i was 17. i'm almost 24 now. it's so crazy how time just flies by. that's seven years. life is just so different now.

anyways, expect to hear from me soon.

xoxo
jenny

UPDATE!!

ok, so its been a little while since i've blogged...again.

well, i left off last being halfway through my vacation in charlotte. i had a pretty good time. i hung out with people i hadn't seen in a while and i hung out with new people. it was all good times. the person that i hung out with that changed the most since i saw them last was nate. that dude has done a complete 360. he used to be small and fraile and geeky in high school. he's all thick and big and good looking now. it was great. i hung out with him and this other dude we went to high school with. i was sitting up there for an hour before i realized who the other dude was. i used to see that dude every single day at the walmart by my old apartment and one day he even asked me if i went to west meck and that he knew me. so anyway, the three of us hung out for a few hours...talked shit about people we knew. it was fun.

the most fun i had on my trip was playing laser tag with my brother josh, two of his friends, sam, and like 20-30 other kids at the laser tag place. it was so so so much fun. i need to find a laser tag place around here in atlanta. out of the 30 something people playing, i came in fourth. that was my first time and i did so good. it was great. josh came in after me, fifth, and he's supposed to be a marine. they better not get me up there in the marines. i'd be shooting at anything moving. oh yeah, i need to go out to the range and do some damage with a real weapon.

so i stuck by what i said and didn't hang out with lamar. that's cool cause now i know i have some control over my feelings now....or my lack of feelings i should say. it's good. over the next two years, i think i'll probably end back up in charlotte only about twice...max. so that's even better. even less chances to see him. hopefully the next break i get, which won't be until thanksgiving, i'll finally get to go to florida to visit my mama. oh yeah, i'm going back to charlotte for one weekend in may to take sam to her prom. then i have to go right back home cause i have summer classes. i'm gonna be so overwhelmed this summer. but i want to graduate at the end of next year, so i need to jump on the ball.

i got home from charlotte this past sunday night and went straight over to torrey's to spend the night. i was so excited to see him. it had felt like forever. and that kiss we had when i got back...HOTT! it was really good. the best kiss i've had in a week ;) no, but it was much needed.

i kinda missed atlanta and missed going to class, if you can believe that. i really did. we have like 6 more weeks before the semester is over. thank god.

i'm thinking about a couple new schools now. either university of southern california for gerontology or university of southern florida for gerontology. they both offer PhD's in gerontology and they make over $250 a year. i can live with that. i'm going to go see a lady who knows about schools and careers in gerontology on monday.

i'm glad that i finally pulled my shit together. it seems like lamar was the thing that was holding me back from accomplishing what i needed to accomplish. after i left him, i finally decided to pull my shit together. all my affairs are falling into place and i think i'm even happier. i'm not happy that he's sleeping with someone, but overall, i am happier.

so anyways, today, actually since yesterday, torrey has been acting up again. he's really starting to piss me off. his attitude. it's bugging me. like i told him...i've done the drama thing for the past five years with lamar, i don't have the time to put up with it anymore. i started dating him cause i was pretty sure it would be laid-back and drama-free but he's starting to bug me a little. i love him and everything, but DAMN! we'll see how it works out. i just want something laid-back and stress/drama free and easy and fun. that is a lot to ask for, but i'm allowed to have some standards.

ok. i'm done. i need to go study or do something productive. peace out.

jenny

can you believe that this ugly bitch is actually one of the main reasons that me and lamar broke up?

hey, whatever floats your boat. like i've said so many times before, i guess sex really does prevail above all else.

oh, so there's so much to talk about. let me start off with the gavin degraw concert.

the gavin degraw concert was all that i thought it would be and more. it was awesome. i got my backstage passes via fedex on monday and i was just excited at that point. then, on wednesday, i got up early and started getting stuff in order to go. i got to torrey's room around 3-ish and we had to be there by 4:30 for the soundcheck. now everybody knows i like to be at places early. not on time, not late, but early. so i get there and he's still doing homework or whatever and i'm like, well i gotta go; i'm not about to miss this for you. so i leave and he jumps in the shower as i leave. i catch marta (cause i hate driving around atlanta and its convenient) and make it there with like 15 minutes to spare. when i get there, it's cold as hell (like in the 30s) and they make us wait outside (there were like 20 people) for almost an hour. it was freezing. torrey made it in time and didn't have to wait out as long as i did. but anyways..

we show our passes and ids and we got let inside the building. as we were all waiting in the lobby, i could hear gavin doing his soundcheck and i just melted. wow. my first taste of gavin live. it was hot. i was looking around and no one else seemed to care and i just wanted to smile and cry and laugh, but i didn't want to look like a jackass. so we go in after they've checked everyone's ids and i see gavin on the stage chatting with someone. OMFG!!! he looks so so so sexy in person. it was hot. we all walked up to the stage and he started telling jokes that were so not funny, but those white folks there were laughing it up like he was dave chapelle or something. but he was cute telling them anyways. i forgot what he was talking about. that's how lame it was. so he chitchats with everyone as a group then plays a couple of songs for us and then comes down to meet and greet with us. he meets the radio winners first and then the fan club winners last. when he gets to me, i am so stupid, i couldn't think of anything to say that was clever or whatever. i just asked him to sign my gavin degraw chariot cassette tape case. so he signs it and he was like "oh shit, i didn't know they made these" cause i had asked him if he had ever seen chariot on tape. he had no idea and he was so shocked and laughing. i asked him if chariot was on vinyl so i could play it on my record player and he was like, he had no idea. so after that small chitchat, we took a pic and he shook my hand and torrey's and took a pic with us and said something like, 'be good' or something like that and i was like, 'you should go get one of those cassettes' and he was like 'yeah, then i would have to go get a cassette player'. it was so funny. he was like 'i didn't even know they still made cassettes after 1980' and i was like 'i know right, i got this one from singapore' and he was like 'oh, you were in singapore' and i said no, that i bought it online from singapore. so at least i did something different, something that would stand out from all those other psychos that he meets. no one brought a cassette of his to sign before, so that was really cool. i know he'll mention me to someone at some point in his life for that.

so after all that was done and over, we all left and had to come back in about a half hour for the actual show. afterwards, i thought of all this great stuff to say and ask him. i wanted a hug from him and a picture with just him and me and not torrey in it, but i guess i could just crop him out, but its just not the same. i wanted to ask him if he would strip the new album and i wanted to ask him this and that. but oh well. i'm so sure that i'll see him again one day.

his new album comes out on april 15 and i will have it on april 15. i can't wait. when i first heard his new song "i'm in love with a girl", i did not like it at all. but now, i love it. at the concert, this dude landon pigg opened up. he sang that song "falling in love at a coffee shop" on that diamonds commercial. he was pretty good. and then gavin came out with "i don't want to be" and the crowd just lit up. it was hot. me and torrey kinda got in line late cause torrey was acting up (i won't get into it) but we kinda just pushed our way to like the third row, which was really good. there were these tall ass folks in front of me though and i'm only 5'3, so that ticked me off a bit, but it was all right. he did a few songs from chariot and a lot of his new songs from the new album. i sung along to the songs that i knew (all the ones from chariot and a couple of others) and bobbed my head along to the ones that i didn't. gavin looked at me like 15 times too during the concert, it was so awesome. the first few times he did it, i turned to torrey and said 'he just looked at me, did you see him' and he was like 'duh' like he was annoyed or something. he started getting annoyed pretty early on and looking like he wanted to leave or something. if i could go back, i really really wish sam could have come with me. she's into gavin too, unlike torrey, and she would have had a lot more fun with me and i would have had a lot more fun with her had she gone. i had found out from these two white girls that me and torrey had met after we left the soundcheck that he had asked them to stay afterwards for drinks (and had i not been with torrey, i'm pretty sure he would have asked me too cause those two girls that he asked looked really old and not cute--but i'll get my time with him one day).

so he ended the show with "chariot" and "relative" and that was it. it was amazing. i loved it. i wish i had recorded the whole show, but i didn't know how to work my camera like that (i just figured out that i could have recorded up to three hours of video on my camera two days ago).

so the day after the concert, i came to charlotte. well, i'm in fort mill right now, until about sunday i think. i may leave a little earlier cause i just realized i have a lot of homework due on monday and tuesday and i brought none of my books or notebooks. but so far i'm having a really good time. me and sam laughed the hardest i have laughed in a really really long time the other night. so far, i've met up with a couple of people that i haven't seen in forever and i'm meeting up with someone (who, at this point, will remain nameless so that my boyfriend won't break up with me)tomorrow and then this other person (who will also remain nameless) on friday. my brother josh will be here this weekend and then i go home.

torrey has really been stressing over me coming up here. i told him that i was planning on meeting a couple of people that he should be worried about. he thought i was gonna be meeting up with lamar, but AS IF! what do i need to see him for? i don't think so. there's some other people who i haven't seen in a while that deserve my time. so that should be fun. i asked torrey if he would be mad if i had a meaningless kiss with a person or two and he got pissed off. no, he doesn't want me doing all that. what a hater! see, i always tell on myself. when i kissed that one dude when i was going out with lamar, i told him before and after i did it. i never lie. so i mean, if it happens, it happens. i told torrey about me possibly doing it before time and if i do end up doing it, i will tell him. i'm young, and if a dude wants to kiss me, i'm not gonna stop it. i'm just gonna have to face the reprecussions. i really don't see anything wrong with kissing anyways. unless you're in love with the person, i really think the kiss would be meaningless (wait, let me stop while i'm ahead).

so anyways, my stay in the carolinas is just about over. i gotta say though, when i first arrived in the city a few days ago, i did get these overwhelming feelings from the past rush over me. having a great job, a great apartment. having sam over every weekend. having lamar. and i was wishing so bad that lamar would call me and that we would get to hang out and catch up. but when he actually did text me, i was like, what the hell was i thinking? this dude has a girlfriend now (which he had no problem telling me that he was screwing--almost like he was rubbing it in) and he's trying to meet up with me? that's not right. that's the same bullshit he was doing with other girls when we were going out. i won't put his girlfriend through the unnecessary drama. i don't want to see him that bad. i really don't want to see him at all. that wouldn't be healthy to me. i'm still trying to get over him completely, that would just set me back from all the progress i've made so far. and what made me mad when he was texting me was that he said that his girlfriend knew about me and knew about everytime that he talked to me and all i could think was, why couldn't he be that way with me? why couldn't he tell me when he was talking to some other chick instead of me having to snoop through his things (and him even locking his phone on me) to find things out? besides, he's in a sexual relationship now, why in the world does he need to see me? who cares? that's what angers me the most about him now, that he's having sex with some chick. he told me a few weeks ago that when he's with her, he can't imagine being with anyone else. again, after five years or however long it was with me, that's all i wanted from him. had he only felt that way for me, we would have been fine. but i just wasn't enough for him, but only after what i imagine to be only a few weeks, he feels this way about some other chick. i guess sex speeds shit up like that. when you're sleeping with someone, there's this whole level of emotions that you share that you just can't compare with a sexless relationship, no matter how short or long it was. i still wouldn't trade my sexlessness for that...not just yet. so i'm very proud of myself for having the strength to turn down his invitation of catching up. that just shows that i really am getting over this dude.

so anyways, besides that. i can't wait for school to be over. i am so ready to finish up at georgia state and move onto the next stage of my life. i so look forward to moving again. i'm so used to always moving. i love moving. which is why i'm looking into going into the military's medical school again. i mean, it's free med school, almost $2k a month for four years while i'm in school, free housing and free money for food, and i get to travel the world as a doctor when i'm done with the four years of med school. i would love that. so it looks like the two schools i'll be applying to for med school are morehouse (even though there's no way in hell i can afford it) and the military's med school (which will probably be my first choice). i think after i graduate next fall, i'm gonna stop writing in this blog. i'll be too busy with med school and plus, i don't think i want people in my business anymore. if they want to know what's going on in my life, they should just call me and ask me. yeah, i think that'll be a plan. so i guess after jan 1, 2010, this blog will be no more. maybe i'll write in it once in a blue moon, but i'll only talk about general stuff. probably no details about my life. i don't know yet. it's too soon to tell.

ok then, well i guess i'm gonna roll out now. oh, and i shot some video at the gavin concert that i tried to post on here, but they wouldn't, so i'll just put them up on my myspace page (hopefully sometime before the week is over with) and i'll put the rest of the concert pics and some pics of me and torrey up on my myspace page and my facebook page.

all right then folks, peace out.

jenny

THE GAVIN DEGRAW CONCERT and just some random, newer pics of me

it's been a long week. let's see, what have i been up to? i'll start with the bad stuff that happened and end with the good stuff (and it's really really really good.)

ok, so the bad stuff:
torrey has been acting up. we were in chem lab on thursday night and i was trying to do my distillations and i went to go wash out some of my equipment and i saw torrey at another sink. i started washing out my stuff and i look over at torrey and he's doing something at the sink, then this girl walks by that i suspected he had a little thing for and so i see this jackass totally look at her non-existant white ass for a good two or three seconds and then continue what he was doing. i walked up to him and asked him: "WTF?!" he acted like he didn't know what the hell i was talking about. i was pissed off for the rest of the night and instead of hanging with him after lab like i usually do, i cut it short and went home. he knew i was pissed cause i didn't call him.

so the next day, i went to go see him and we talked about it. he admited that he was looking cause he thought she was cute and he said that what he saw was nice and that he was attracted to her. this really pissed me off. he said he was just looking to look though. i immediately thought back to the time me and lamar were in the mall this one time and we were at the check out counter of express and this white girl walks up and pays for something and that asshole stuck his head over there and looked this girl up and down like i was not even there. like i was invisible or something. that had really pissed me off. i used to think that some guys were above that. i thought lamar was above that (only in the beginning) and i thought torrey was definitely above that, but i guess not. there has to be a few guys that are.

torrey explained it best as to why girls get mad as to why guys look. girls get mad cause they think their man is looking cause they're not satisfied with what they have. i guess subconciously, that's why i do get mad. that was the first time i had caught torrey doing something like that. he's usually looking only at me. i hadn't had any problems with him. he usually seems pretty into me and me alone. but he did slip up that day. and what made me mad was that this white girl had a flat ass and he said he liked it and my ass is so the opposite. i have a round ass and he said he liked mine too. but i am not gonna sweat that dude like that. if he doesn't like it, oh well. i could really care less. i know plenty of dudes who would love to be all over it.

anyways, what i got from this whole experience was that i realized something. i don't really see myself being married to this dude in the future and having his kids. i know we're really early in our relationship, but i just don't see it yet. maybe its cause i've imagined those things happening to me with someone else for so long that i just can't see me doing it with anyone else. but i don't know. i realized that torrey may not be "THE ONE" either. i'm having a really good time right now with him, but i think there may be a better person out there for me for the long run. i love him, but i think there may be a better fit for me out there somewhere.

now the SUPER SUPER SUPER good news:
well, you should know by now that i'm going to be going to this gavin degraw concert on wednesday. well a little while back (like three or so weeks ago), i entered this contest for backstage passes or whatever it was. so, on thursday, i was in english class and i was checking my email on my phone and saw that i got an email from SONY BMG in new york city. turns out, someone else had won the passes for atlanta, but they hadn't responded in time and so i was the alternative winner for my city. i won two soundcheck and meet and greet tickets for the wednesday show. when i found out, i swear to god, i had half a mind to walk out of the classroom, out of the building and scream my ass off. i was screaming so loudly on the inside. after class was over, i hurried to a computer, printed off the forms, but couldn't do anything with them until the next morning because it was so late in the day already. i only had like 36 hours to respond, fax the necessary items, notarize some forms and express ship the forms to claim my prize and now, they said i'd get them by monday.

this is the thing i have wanted the most out of anything in my entire life. only two winners are chosen from each city from what i understand. it says that a quick soundcheck will be performed before the show for the two winners and their guest and after the soundcheck, gavin will come down and meet the two winners. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! now, i really have to go pick out a cute outfit and get some fresh batteries for my camera, get my hair straight, my nails done, my makeup right. it's gonna be the best night of my life i know it. i'm so nervous already. i think i'm gonna slip up and say something stupid or not be able to talk at all. this is amazing.

so i will try to take plenty of pictures. they say no cameras allowed, but i'm brining mine anyways. my camera phone sucks, so i'm gonna try to borrow vickey's phone. her phone and her camera phone is so much better than mine. she has a razor. i'm finally gonna get my sprint rumor in may, but i'm thinking about going ahead and getting one before this show starts so i can get some good pictures AND video. i have to figure out something quick.

i'm gonna go today to shop for what i want to wear. but i can't be slutty cause it's gonna only be a high of about 40 degrees that day.

so that'll be on wednesday. on that friday, i should be heading up to charlotte for a little over a week. i'm excited about that too. torrey wanted me to go meet his parents and stay with him for the first couple of days of spring break in his hometown. i'm still thinking about it, but i'm not sure. it's so sweet though cause lamar was never really enthusiastic or adamant about me meeting his family. so for a guy to be so into me that he wants his family to know me, i love it. torrey honestly makes me feel like a princess. from the way he holds me, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me. i've never had that before.

my birthday is in two months. i'm gonna be 23. oh gosh. and torrey will still be 20. oh damn. lol, that's not right.

anyway, i think i need to get myself together so i can go out and get my outfit. i'll holla atcha.

love,
jennifer

i had a really weird dream last night. i dreamt the world was over. i've had this dream (well different versions of it anyways) several times.

last night, i dreamt that (now i'm gonna start at the middle; i can't remember the beginning) i was looking out my window and i saw the moon wasn't really there. instead, there were tiny fragments of moon that were disintegrating into glimmering stardust. after the last fragment had completely disintegrated, it was completely dark outside. no lights at all. i then went into my living room to ask vickey what the heck was going on. she was just sitting on the couch in darkness watching tv and holding a baby (who i'm assuming was landon). on the tv, there was like a countdown of some sort. above the countdown clock, there was a temperature gauge. the temp kept going up and up. i asked vickey, "is this the end of the world? are they counting down for the end of earth?" and she's like "yeah, the higher the temp goes up, the closer we are to the end" or something like that right? so we're just sitting there for like 15 seconds watching the temp go up at a very very high rate (it goes well into the hundreds) and then i just wake up.

f-r-e-a-k-y.

i also had a dream the other night that i went to charlotte for my spring break and i really really really fell out bad with my dad...yet again.

anyways, i'm going back to class (physics lecture). peace out.

jenny jenn jenn

so me and torrey had our valentine's day thing this past saturday and it was hands down the best valentine's day i have ever had in my entire life. it was so much fun.

well torrey had been planning this for a little while now, right. so we started off the weekend with him spending the night with me on friday night. so when we got up in the morning, we spent the day together. we left for his room kinda late. i gave him his gift. it was this fruit arranged like flowers. i got lamar something similar one valentine's day (in which i got nothing from him--not even a card). so i got him one and he liked it. he's into fruit, so i knew he'd love it. i got vickey one too and sam, my dad and mattie got to share one.

anyways, after i gave him that and his card, we headed to his room and he gave me flowers and this card that said the sweetest thing. this is some of what it said:

"...on tuesday while you were asleep and i was watching tv, i was watching you sleep. all of the emotions i feel for you culminated and swirled within me. i looked at you preciously and thought, "dammit she can sure as hell get on my nerves like no one else but asleep, albeit from extreme exhaustion, is so close to me, so close in fact as to have the ability to make me angrier than anyone else and hurt me worse than anyone. caring is dangerous. loving is dangerous. but i can't deny it. i love her. i'm scared half to death of the power she has but dammit, i love her." i then began to study your body. "look at jenny's hips, i like how they flow down to her thighs and how her inner thigh goes up to "there". mmmm, yeah she's fine and i can look at this all day and know this deeply." i just wanted you to know what goes through my mind at some really insignificant point in the day and how it ends up being special to me. it happens all the time...i love you. xoxo torrey."

it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever written to me/about me ever. it was touching. and so after the flowers and the card (i was so mad that he didn't get me candy--he always says i don't need to eat so much candy) we went around downtown atlanta. that's where we hit a problem. first of all, it was saturday night, so there were a lot of people anyway. but there were even more people cause there was some kind of cheerleader convention that night, so it was extra packed. every restaurant had over an hour wait. so we just decided to go to this diner that i always wanted to try, that's around campus. it was actually really great. i really liked it better i think than going to some fancy schmancy restaurant. and torrey was like, "you just want a burger huh". he thinks he knows me so well. well i did want a burger. i'm a burgers and fries kind of girl. low maintenance and laid back. a great catch. anyways, we did that, i had this awesome burger. so after that, we were gonna go see a movie, but it was getting late and i was getting so tired. i was dead sleepy, so we just went back to torrey's room and he said he had something else for me. he had drawn me a hot bubble bath with bubbles and flowers and everything. i guess he knows me. i love hot bubble baths. so that was really nice. probably my favorite part. and then he had one more thing for me, but it was late in arriving. so i'll be getting it some other time.

so all in all, it was very awesome.

then on sunday, he started acting up and i had to leave. but when i came back and we slept that night, he had his arm around me the whole night and it felt so great and special. for us to be mad at each other all day and then at night, he was all over me. i loved it. i love being held in my sleep. having a man's arms around me as we sleep. i feel so safe and protected. like nothing can happen to me as long as he's there.

so its monday night now and torrey's in the kitchen of his dorm cooking burritos. i'm not really hungry. i'm trying to slim down for this gavin degraw concert next wednesday. i had planned on wearing this skimpy shirt (with no bra, of course, i want my tits perky for this cute top i have) and this little skirt and sandals. i'm gonna do my hair up and get my nails and makeup done. it will be HOTT!!! but i have a problem now. it's supposed to be 48 degrees tops that day with rain and snow. damn! well i don't give a fuck, i'm doing what i planned on doing.

and the day after that, on thursday night, i'm 80% sure i'm going to charlotte for my spring break. sam really wants me to go hang out with her. like, she really really wants me to come. i might have to go hang out with my mom and brothers and sister in florida some other time. plus, there's a few people i wanted to hang out with and see while i'm in charlotte. i won't say because torrey might get mad, but i wanted to hang out with a few "people". some "people" have been asking about me and asking me when i'm coming back to charlotte, so i have to make a special guest appearance there. i haven't been there in like seven months. even though i didn't really hang with people while i lived there, "people" sure do miss me when i'm gone.

to this end, i'm gonna study for this bio quiz for tomorrow morning and then cuddle with my suga booga and go to sleep. i'll holla.

love,
jenny

i've learned tonight that, for such a small body, i have a very high tolerance of alcohol. i can never seem to get myself drunk. sure, i may have felt a little bit buzzed in the past, but i can't even get myself really tipsy. what's the deal? there are cases of smaller girls who can outdrink men. i think i may be one of them.

i was drinking champagne tonight and vickey was too. she drunk half of what i drank and she was getting a buzz. i drank way more than her and felt nothing.

d'ah well (yeah, i snatched that one from torrey).

peace out.

jenn

i masturbated three times today.

i love my boyfriend and everything, but homeboy is J-E-A-L-O-U-S! for whatever reason (i guess cause i have a lot of guy friends), he thinks i'm stepping out on him which is so funny cause i am like the most faithful, honest person i know. anyone who really knows me knows that. i don't like and cheat. but it's so ironic cause i just got out of a relationship where i had a lying, cheating boyfriend, and now i'm in a new relationship where he thinks i'm the one that's lying and cheating. boy stop! i ain't "stunting" him like that. he hates when i say "stunting". lol, it's so funny. he's so spoiled.

ANYWAYS,

gotta go. peace out.

jenny

so the other night, there was a stalker peeking through my window.

i was laying in bed watching "the gauntlet III" and studying for my chemistry quiz. since i was studying, i had the tv muted so i could read. after a while, i heard some crunching outside my window. i hear it every once in a while because there's a lot of squirrels and cats around the neighborhood. so after a while, i realize that its not an animal, that someone is out there. so then i think its some hoodlums who always try to go and stay in the empty house next door. but usually, when i hear them, they just walk straight on back to the back of the empty house next door and just chill out there. so i hear this crunching. i hear it walking towards the back, but then it stops. it stops for like 20 seconds, then i hear it moving again, up closer. the first time, the crunching stopped at my first window. the second time, it stopped at my second window. i was like, "some motha fucka is looking at me right now through these windows". so i casually pop myself up like i forgot to get something out of the living room and walk into the living room where vickey is. i asked her if she heard some noise outside. i told her that it sounded like someone was walking around the house. then she told me that as i was walking into the living room, she heard someone running from the side of the house and out toward the street. so some creep was peeking through my window and saw me get up, so they ran away. SCARY!!! there are some real freaks in this world, i swear to god.

so the moral of the story is...now i'm gonna go ahead and get that stun gun i had been wanting. my brother cj was telling me that anyone could buy a stun gun...without a permit. so i looked them up and you can get them on ebay at pretty reasonable prices. they're small and look like cell phones. they also range in strength/voltage. they have some as low as 200,000 V and some as high as 1.3 million Volts. i'm gonna go ahead and get the 1.3 million volts taser. and i will keep it on me at all times.

i told torrey that i was gonna get one and that i was gonna test it out on him, but he doesn't want to be my guinea pig. he doesn't realize that it wasn't a choice. he's gonna get got. actually, i need to video tape it and then put it on my myspace page. yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. i'll probably even put it up on youtube.

anyways, me and torrey are doing our valentine's day stuff tomorrow. i'm so excited. it's gonna be great.

and i'm thinking about going to charlotte for my spring break in a couple weeks. i'm not really sure yet. it's either gonna be that or florida. this is going to be my last break for a while, until fall cause i'm gonna be in school full time this summer. but i have to go somewhere for spring break. charlotte would be cool, cause there's a few people who want to "visit" with me and sam will be there and my family and josh would probably come down. but, i haven't seen my mom in over a year. i would like to see her and my brothers and my sister. but i always go to see them. they have never once came to see me. i don't know yet. i have about a week or so i guess to decide what i want to do.

oh yeah, i didn't win that gavin degraw thing because on the last two days of the auction, they added the stipulation that the winning tickets were for his new york shows only. and they don't include the price of travel and hotel and all that good stuff. so i guess it wasn't meant to be. but one day, me and gavin will have our day. there's this contest on his fan website (yes, i am an official member of the fan club, how lame am i?) anyways, the contest is that the top five people to post his new song on any and every website that they visit will get a personal phone call from gavin degraw himself. OH-MY-GOD! i need to jump on that. that's so wild. the contest ends on march 17 and you're supposed to write up this log of where and how many times and different places that you posted his song widget. they go back, verify, and pick the top 5 winners. that can't be too hard i think. i'm gonna go for it. i need this.

oh god, i'm gonna be 23 in two months and i have a 20 year old boyfriend. uugh! lol, i feel like such a slut. oh well! being a slut is feeling pretty good right now. this younger man thing is all right. i'm digging it. gosh, we've been dating for like 4 months now. he keeps referring to us being together in the future. he's a physics major and today he was telling me about some research he was trying to apply for. he was going on and on and i told him that i was just bored to tears with what he was talking about and he said, "oh well. you're just gonna have to put up with it. that's all you're going to be hearing out of me for the next two years." and i was like "how do you figure we'll still be together in two years?" he is so optimistic. but i've learned not to count on anything like that. just gotta take each day at a time. but it's cool that he's really invested in it. i won't hold my breath though. just trying to keep it real.

but seriously though. i'm still trying to get down to 100 lbs. i want to get there by this summer so i can rock that two piece...if you know what i'm saying.

and i cannot believe that i'm about to be a 23 year old virgin. every year, i always say that this will be my last year as a virgin, but it just never works out for me. but being 23 and a virgin isn't that serious. there are far worse things to be. gosh, at 23, i should be married with kids already. i'm just so ripe and fresh for the picking. but i guess god has some grand plan for me. and everyday, i'm starting to realize that more and more. god has a plan and a reason why my life has been what it has been and why things have happened to me and why things will happen to me. i don't know. i've been feeling like i really need to go to church and hear the word and all that good stuff. they say the older you get, the more religious you get and i'm starting to feel that now. i think five years from now, i'll be a completely different person and i think i'll be so happy.

ok, my head is banging now. i'm gonna roll out. peace.

jennifer

hey, it's ya girl jenny.

lol, that was so dumb.

anyways, today is valentine's day. i have class all day (from 8 am to 10 pm) so me and torrey aren't celebrating until this weekend. we're gonna give each other our valentine's stuff on saturday then he's gonna take me out. see, this is what i'm talking about. this is normal boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. some dudes get it and some dudes just don't get it.

anyways, i was looking into what i might want to do about school. i'm thinking about skipper the med school thing since i probably won't be getting into the school that i want to get into and just go get my phD in gerontology and become a gerontologist. they make up to $250k a year. i can work with that. that's what i wanted to be initially. so now i have to find schools that have doctorate programs in gerontology and there are not that many of them. most of them are in california, some in oregon and washington, so more than likely, if i don't go to med school at morehouse, i'll be moving to the west coast in the next 2 to 3 years. i'm kinda excited about that. i'm gonna go talk to my advisor tomorrow about what i can do.

anyways, i'm gonna go ahead and drop landon off and head on up to school.

i'll holla.

love, jenny

"Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."

i read this on someone's facebook page and thought about how true it is. this one sentence, 11 words sums up the over 5 years me and lamar were together. i can't think of a more perfect way to describe what we had.

oh yeah, paradise hotel 2 starts tonight. i am so excited.

and torrey met my brother cj last night. the three of us went to go see a movie. it was fun.

torrey keeps telling me he has something special planned for valentine's day and i totally forgot that i had to do something for him until he brought it up the other day. dang! i totally forgot. now i have 10 days to come up with something.

jennifer

this made me feel so much better.

so, i've decided, to stay celibate/abstinent/virgin for a long time. fuck, it's not the end of the world if i don't have sex. there are plenty of 22 year olds and older who don't do it. an ex boyfriend of mine is about to be 23 and he's still a virgin. i'm not gonna fall into the pressure of guys begging me for it. fuck that. and if that means i have to be by myself, well what - the - fuck - ever!

i'm getting tired of engaging in these sexual activities. i'm done. i'm officially waiting for marriage. i thought about giving it up in the past and recently, but naah! i'm better than that. i'm gonna finish undergrad, go to med school, and just do me.

i'm starting to feel, too, that i shouldn't have jumped myself into this relationship that i'm in now. i've been really wanting to be single recently and i have no idea why. i don't need to be in another long term relationship. me and torrey are going on four months now. i need to start setting relationship limits for myself, or just not date at all. i need to do me for a while. i've been in long term relationship after long term relationship. i'm coming to realize that i'm not a long term relationship type of girl. maybe i'll just stay single until i can figure out what i need.

and fuck this blog.

i really had trouble getting up this morning. i only got a little under three hours last night. and the night before that, i only got about 4 hours. so in the past two days, i've gotten less than 7 hours of sleep. i will be going to starbucks this morning. or saxby's. that's opening on campus this morning. all students and faculty get a free cup today.

i have this bio quiz this morning. i'm really prepared this time. i've found that making flash cards is extremely helpful. i used to think that i wouldn't be one of those lame asses that didn't do that, but i guess i am now.

i think torrey is one of the most understanding boyfriends a girl could get. i told him that i was mad about something lamar had told me and he was so understanding and comforting to me. i was mad and sad for like two days, but he kept trying to make me laugh and make me smile and telling me that it was all ok. most dudes would have gotten ticked off that i was thinking about my ex. but he's cool. i guess i'll keep him.

getting straight a's this semester is not looking completely impossible right now. in fact, it looks very likely.

i was looking at the university of new mexico website and to be accepted into their med school, they don't require any maths!!! dunh dunh dunh!!! that means, i don't really have to talk calculus. but i will anyway. besides, i might not even get into UNM. but that's definitly my first choice. i really want to move away from everyone i know and start fresh. but the thing is, they don't accept many out of state students. they usually only take about 75 med school students a year and 97% of those are from in state. i guess i could be in that few 3%. but most of that 3% come from students that live around new mexico or have parents that live in new mexico. that really sucks, but i'm gonna apply anyway. i gotta see if there are any other med schools in new mexico.

i really need to look into doing my volunteer hours and research hours really soon if i want to get into a good med school. i don't have much time left here in georgia state.

four weeks until the gavin degraw concert...28 days. the countdown begins.

ok, TTFN (vickey loves saying this now, it is so annoying).
jenny

oh yeah, i forgot.

so i bought my gavin degraw tickets the exact second they went on sale. so i was looking on ebay to see if they would have jacked up prices for tickets on there. so i looked...and they did. and a lot of these sellers were selling the tickets for up to about $179 for two tickets. the damn tickets were only $26.50 each. and at most places, they weren't even sold out, as the sellers were claiming. i hope the idiots on ebay check ticketmaster before they get chumped out like that. that is such a rip off.

anyway, there's this bid on charitybuzz.com for two front row tickets to a gavin degraw concert and a one on one piano lesson from him. the auction ends in eight days and only one person has bid so far and she bid $1000. i think i'm gonna try for it. i'm gonna end up spending up my summer tuition money, but i think it might be worth it. hell, i'll find the money from somewhere. but i won't bid over $1500, i had to set a limit for myself, or i'll get greedy with lust for this dude and blow all my money.

but hopefully i won't win so i can actually stick with this schedule that i have and take the 5 classes that i planned on taking this summer. if they had winter sessions like they had summer sessions, i could be graduating at the end of this year i think. how lame.

ok, i think i'm done for real this time.

jenny "love whore" jenn jenn

i miss darnell. he kinda just dropped me after me and torrey started dating, but i really miss him. he made me laugh. and he cared about me. i haven't talked to him in three months.

the thing about torrey is, he doesn't laugh at all of my jokes. and i think i'm pretty funny. he laughs at most of them, but not nearly enough as i want him to. but whatever!

and i keep finding these hairs, white girl hairs, in his bed sheets. and not even one or two, but several.

all guys are dogs, but i can't do anything about it anymore, so i might as well embrace it.

ok, i'm done talking nonsense.

love,
jennifer aka "mikey's girl"

i love my brothers...all of them.

they know how to treat a lady...or their sister anyway.

if i don't graduate at the end of next year, i'll kill myself. or at least by spring '10. if i didn't take those 3 or 4 classes that i already had credit for, i could be graduating next spring. i'm such a dumbass sometimes.

i can't wait to go to med school. i'm leaning more towards new mexico than morehouse. we'll see.

jenny

i'm slowly losing the battle with my addition to coffee.

damn you Starbucks and your rich, smooth blends of mild Colombian coffee, my favorite. and your espresso brownies and rice krispie cakes and chocolate loafs.

and damn me for buying a jar of folgers colombian blend coffee so now i can drink a cup every morning before i go out.

i have a problem now, i know it.

i need a venti cup right now.

jenny

my glasses broke yesterday. i went and spent last night with torrey and when i went back to his room after my labs today, he had fixed them for me. he is so sweet.

anyways, i'm gonna go study for this chemistry exam for tomorrow. peace out.

jenny

torrey found out about my blog...dunh dunh dunh!

i'm starting to feel like i'm being used...sexually.

some psycho the other day called me like 9-10 times, like twice an hour for about 7 hours. they would call my phone from a blocked number and when i answered the couple of times that i did, they wouldn't say anything. i was telling people about it and they were all like, "maybe it's your ex". so i text him and no, it wasn't him. so i have another dude in mind that it could be. actually another two dudes that i think it can be, but they haven't called me anymore, so i guess i'm good...for now. or it's some pyscho girlfriend of some dude who has my number and name in his phone. but whatever, i'm so over it.

gavin degraw will be mine in a little over a month. i cannot wait. pictures will be posted. he is too hott.

other than that...oh...i'm looking into doing some summer internships for biology research at morehouse school of medicine. hopefully i'll get in. i need to get all my stuff together and turn in everything by the end of next month. but the thing is, i'll be a full time student, monday - friday this summer too so hopefully everything will work out. i'm trying to graduate next year.

i'm still feeling good about med school in new mexico or at morehouse. if i get the internship at morehouse, i think that will put my foot one step closer into the door. i think my life is gonna turn out just how i want it to...career wise anyway.

other than that, everything is the same as it has been.

i was considering, again, the sex thing with torrey, but lately, i've been feeling really used.

torrey tells me that in my sleep, i rock my pelvis back and forth and breath really hard. lol, that is so funny cause i don't remember doing any of that. and he said that last night i was doing it and let out a loud moan afterwards and then my breathing got really shallow after the moan. that's so hilarious. i guess since i'm not having sex in real life, that my body, my brain is giving me dreams about having sex to tell me "hey, you need to get on it". but the thing is, i don't remember these dreams or even doing the thrusting or heavy breathing or moaning. it's so weird. he says i don't do it all the time, but pretty often.

WHATEVER!

another thing is, i told torrey that if gavin decided to choose me as his groupie for the night, that i would readily go. he did not like that at all. he got so pissed. he was like, "if that happened, and you went...we're through" and then he started acting all pissed off for the rest of the night. it was so cute, but would i really give him up for one night with gavin? HELL YEAH! i don't give a damn. that's a once in a lifetime chance. i want that man is so many ways. i'd let him do whatever the hell he wanted to do to me. it would be so dirty. but so great.

i'm thinking about cutting my hair. one of those really low cuts. not like a dude cut, but a cute, short, pixie, halle berry back in the day cut, but a little longer than what she used to have. not a bob, but an all around short cut. and then dying it dark jet black. hmm. i'm considering a cut. we'll see how it goes.

school is going really great so far. i'm making so many friends at georgia state. but they're all...surprise surprise...dudes. all but two are dudes. and they're not even all just black dudes. i think i have like one or two black dude friends at georgia state. the rest are asian, indian, south american, exotic shit like that. it's cool. and they are really cool dudes too.

so i guess that's it for me. i'll holla peeps.

love, jennifer

february 27, 2008.

I'M GONNA GO SEE GAVIN DEGRAW!!!!

i am so excited. this union is about three - four years in the making. i bought two tickets this morning when they went on sale at 10 am. i'm pretty sure i was the first one to buy tickets for atlanta. i don't know who's coming with me yet. i don't want to bring torrey in case i want to throw myself at gavin. oh crap, i have to go get a hot dress, some heels, my nails done, my hair and makeup done, it will be hot. i will be hot. me and gavin will be hot. and hopefully i can win some meet-and-greet backstage passes. i will remember to bring the camera and to charge up the batteries. and in case that wants to act up, i better bring a regular camera.

since i bought my tickets first, i should be getting some prime seats. this will be the best night of my life.

ok, enough about that. school started back up. it's going pretty good so far. i'm predicting straight A's this semester. crossing my fingers.

torrey and me are really good. we've been dating for about three months now. it's a really beautiful thing. not a single problem yet. i think this one is gonna make it.

i should be graduating at the end of next year. if i plan out my schedule right, i can finish as early as the end of next year. i am such a G.

so i'm into the Cool Kids now. they're an indie hip hop group, but its not really hip hop. it's like rock hip hop. i like it. it's two dudes, mikey and chuck and mikey is really cute. but gavin still holds #1 in my heart. i have "black mags" by the Cool Kids on my myspace page, but i'll probably switch it over to a gavin song real soon. gotta represent.

i cannot wait until february.

ok, peace out.

jenny

new years day. oh my goodness. i experienced things on new years day that i have never experienced in my life.

torrey and i took it to a whole new level. that was the first time another person has ever given me an orgasm. i won't go into detail on how he did it, but it was pretty good. i had fun, he had fun. no "sex" was involved, i'm still a virgin, but i'm half way there.

new years eve night, me and torrey were supposed to go to the peach drop in downtown atlanta, but our plans changed and we (me and vickey) threw a hell of a last minute party at the house. we did karaoke, told jokes, laughed, talked, listened to music, it was a lot of fun. torrey stayed the night and the next morning, we explored new things. it was a lot of fun.

i go back to school on monday. i have a full load again. i got my grades back from last semester, four A's and one B+. all that after four years off. i have five more classes this time around. hopefully i'll do as well. i think i'll do ok though.

i stepped on the scale the other day...102. wow. i am a hot mess. that is so funny.

ok, well i have to go handle some business. peace.

jennifer

torrey comes back today.

i write about this dude alot. i need to find other stuff to write about.

classes start in another week. i'm ready to go back, but then i'm not.

i think i'm gonna get a couple more tattoos soon.

i actually got good gifts this year. the last couple years, i just got sweaters. this year, i got a lot of useful things. i got a computer desk from vickey and vickey's sister got me two pairs of lounge pants, a books-a-million gift card and some perfume. vickey's boyfriend gave me money. torrey is giving me my gift today. i was surprisingly pleased this year. i'm so used to not getting anything. i would give so much and my own "boyfriend" never got me anything. i got him this $300 him last year and i got nothing. i spent just about the same amount on him last year and i got nothing. he was a huge vadge. i actually did get something last year, but he stole it and returned it for the money. i guess i meant shit to him. being with a guy who treats me right, i'm realizing more and more how i was much i was just shitted on. i had been thinking about him the past few days, with the anniversary coming around the corner, but now that i'm remembering all of the bad, i think i'm over that crap now. i'm still mad about it. it's been over for a while now, but i think i'll be pissed for a long long time. pissed at all the time i wasted with him.

but i'm wondering if whoever he's with now, if he's spending money on her. if he's buying her things and paying for shit when they go out. i bet he does and that sucks. i was so screwed over. if he does pay, it's because whoever he's going out with is sleeping with him. anyway...

they say if you still get upset over an ex, that you still care. but i don't care...i'm just pissed off. i'm mad as hell and writing about it lets me feel better about it. so now what?

anyway, now that i've vented, i can go and make some waffles now. i'll holla atcha bitches. peace.

jennifer

it is what it is.

torrey went home for christmas. his parents want to meet me, but it'll have to be some other time. i don't think i'm ready for it.

i had this dream about lamar last night. i dreamt i randomly saw him somewhere on the street and we began chatting. he said he was dating this 18 year old girl for about five months and then he pulled out this pregnancy test that he had bought for her. he said he was worried about being a dad. i told him i was with someone and that he was 20 and that i was happy. we both just kinda seemed happy for each other. and then torrey shows up and we're suddenly at my house and torrey's sitting there eating cereal and lamar was looking jealous.

but the last time i had a dream about lamar, it turned out to really be about me. the last dream i had about lamar, he was with a new girl and telling this girl, while i'm sitting right there, how he wanted to be with her and make things work out for her and that i meant nothing to him. shortly after that, i'm the one who started dating someone new. so who knows, maybe this dream means i'm gonna be having sex soon and maybe getting some pregnancy scares. and i might run into lamar (yeah right) and catch up with him about it. sounds a little far fetched though.

i don't want to be a 23 year old virgin.

i had another dream last night that i had a thick asian boyfriend and that we were just laying in the bed and he had his shirt off and i was just lying in his arms. it was so odd.

anyways, torrey is coming back on friday. i cannot wait. i really do miss him so much. he supposedly has a gift for me. i can't say that lamar has ever gotten me anything in our five years together. i spent so much on him and i got nothing. what an idiot i was.

i wonder why lamar was such an idiot for screwing us up. it was a really good thing. i don't know, i've been thinking a lot about it lately. maybe because our "anniversary" is coming up on new years. i hadn't thought about him in a long while, but all of a sudden sometime earlier this week, it started hitting me. if we were still together, we'd be celebrating our 7th year together. and he just kept screwing up. i guess he figured that i wasn't going anywhere. that i'd always be there. now look at us. we don't even speak. and that is so sad cause i talk to every single one of my other boyfriends. but i can't be friends with that dude. he's such a vadge. he was such an asshole to me. and for what?

well whatever, i guess i shouldn't worry about it anymore. i'll be going out to the underground's "peachdrop 2008" this year with torrey to create new memories and after next week i think, lamar will be out of my thoughts.

i just realized, i don't even remember the date me and torrey got together. damn! wow. well hopefully he knows. i think it was sometime in october. towards the end of october i think. so we've been together for a little over 2 months. he told me he loved me about a month into it. come on, can you blame him, lol. no, but really though.

ok, well enough with that. i'm gonna go now. i'm talking a bunch of nonsense.

i'm getting tired of this blog thing. i know i always say this, but i think i'm gonna give it up. or at least not blog so often, which is what i've been doing the past few weeks. i think i may start blogging like once a month. yeah, they'll be really long blogs, but so what. yeah, that sounds like a plan. so i guess at the first of every month, if i can remember, i'll start that. starting in january.

well all righty then. i'll holla jan 1st.

love,

jennifer e. anderson

well damn, maybe i am in love. at times, i feel like i wasn't ready to say it and at other times, i feel like i really am in love. who knows. i've been thinking about giving it up again.

torrey had a white girlfriend before me...just like lamar. so am i some kind of transition girl. what's the deal?

these braids are coming out in the next week or so. i'm ready for a wash.

my brothers josh and cj will be here this weekend. i need to find something for us to do.

riche broke up with her boyfriend of 4.5 years. i feel so bad for her, she's been crying and feeling terrible. i know exactly what she's going through. i felt bad for months, but i got over it. she will too.

i'm 22 and i'm finally getting my life back on track. i'm finally a sophomore and i'll be a junior by fall of next year. i'm so excited. i should graduate in fall of '09 or spring of '10. then off to medical school. i'm off to great things.

jennifer

i may have been a bit premature in saying "i love you" i think. like, i was feeling it when i said it, but i'm not sure if i'm in love just yet. i mean, i really really like this dude, but i think i may have been a little pressured to say it cause he had said it to me three times already. oh geeze louise.

jennifer

torrey spent the whole weekend with me...slept in my bed, held me. it was great.

he told me again, he loved me. he said he didn't care if i told him back, that he felt that way anyways.

a couple days later, i told him i loved him. and i do.

i'm in love again and it feels good.

jenny

i'm in love.

jenny

so i said i slept with torrey. well we did sleep. no sex though. i just thought it was a funny thing to say. no, but i slept over a few nights ago and we got up and he made breakfast. it was a good time.

i was laying there on his chest and he had his arms around me and one arm around my wrist/hand and he told me that he's falling for me and that he MIGHT really love me. so that's like, aww. then tonight, we were making out and it was getting hot and he said that he really did love me. it was special.

i mean come on, who can resist my charms? ;)

oh, and another thing. i haven't slept in almost two days and i'm not even joking. the last time i went to sleep with tuesday night. i got up wednesday morning around 7 and have been awake ever since. i had to stay up last night to study for a test and right this long ass paper for my chem lab. i've been awake now for 40 hours. one day, i'm gonna try for 48. hell, if i had someone to hang out right now, 11 pm on a thursday night, i'd go for it. but torrey has class tomorrow and riche just broke up with her boyfriend i think, so she's out of it.

but anyways, i guess i need to get to sleep before i start talking funny.

peace bitches

jenny jenny jennifer (as landon says)

torrey told me he loved me last night and i slept with him.

jenny

geeze my head itches so bad. i have another month though with these braids.

well here's my plans for december:

• ace all my finals
• go to florida for a week after finals
• come back and hang with sam in atlanta for three weeks
• take these damn braids out
• find something to do for new years

i think i already said i'm taking chem, physics, and bio next semester and like three other classes.

we finally got the keys to the house. we're moving in today. now torrey can start hanging out where i stay instead of me always going to his cold dorm. why do dudes keep their dorms so dirty? its a guy thing i guess. i mean, just the bathroom and kitchen are usually a little dirty.

anyways, i have some resolutions for next year:

• don't call or talk to lamar
• lose like ten pounds (that's every year)
• eat right (every year too)
• do really well in all of my classes
• finally sign up to volunteer at grady
• find some research in bio to sign up for
• finish the year off as a second semester junior
• HAVE SEX

yeah, '08 is gonna be my year for sex. hopefully.

well i guess that's it. i guess i should go study for my ACS exam. peace out.

jenn

i have finals in two weeks and i am not looking forward to my physics final or my chem final. but mostly the physics final. physics is so damn tough.

nobody ever told me that they masturbated to the thought of having sex with me before. that was really interesting.

i've been rethinking this sex thing. i started really thinking, "do i want this guy's penis in me?". and i don't think i'm ready for all that yet. being naked and sticking a part of his body into mine? no, i'm definitely not ready for that. i thought i was, but i'm not so sure anymore. but i need to get on the ball. i'm b-s-ing is what i'm doing. oh man, i really have issues. why am i having such a hard time giving it up? i really really really wish it was as easy for me as it is for most everyone else. my life would be a hell of a lot different if it were. but some people can't help what they've been through. can't change anything. i think that if i just give in that first time, i'll be good. i mean, i get wet when torrey kisses me know and there's a lot of touching and rubbing and caressing and all that good stuff, but when his hands drift below my waist, it makes me so so so uncomfortable. and it kind of turns me off. and that's a serious problem. i mean, he can touch my ass all he wants, but i don't want my tids and bits handled. lol, that's funny.

anyway, but i don't think he's going anywhere. i think he's pretty into me. every single guy that i've liked since the 11th grade has been into me too. i can get any guy i want now. before the 11th grade, i guess i was some kind of monster. i never ever ever could get a guy that i liked. i mean, i could get guys, just not the ones i wanted. but i don't have that problem anymore...thank god. so torrey saw me, stalked me, wanted me, and finally approached me. i liked what i saw and gave in to it. and i think in the beginning, i gave in because he was really cute and i wanted to show myself that i could move on from lamar, but now, i'm really starting to have feelings for this dude. it's so much fun. i've been hanging out with him every single day lately, i'm not even joking. we've been spending tons of time together. he always makes sure i have something to eat whenever i come over. he always cooks for me and i love that.

obviously i'm really bored right now. i'm writing all of this when i need to be studying for my finals and finishing up my final lab report. ok, well i'll get back to it. cya.

love,
jennifer

i'm so done with all the drama.

anyways, torrey came back friday night. he was wanting me to come over, but sam is still here and i couldn't just be rude and leave. so i'll see him today. we've been doing this dating thing for about a month now and so far so good. no fights, arguments, no problems yet. it's always good in the beginning though. but i don't see myself having any problems with him anytime soon. he called me every single day of his vacation and talked to me for at least an hour. hmm.

anyways, i can't wait to take these braids out. i think i'm gonna leave them in for a few more weeks though. they still look good and if i take them out now...i'll be wasting money. i just can't wait to come my hair and wash my hair. i could never get dreads. i only got them cause i'm trying to let my hair grow back out...so much fell out while i was stressing over my breakup with lamar. but it's coming back. it's being a little slow, but it's all coming back.

other than that, i have about another week of school left and then finals. i've already signed up for next semester's classes. i'm taking my final semester of physics, my second semester of chemistry, first semester of biology, my last semester of english class and a film class that's required. so next semester is gonna be a killer. that's another 18 hours. there's this 1 hour class that i wanted to take too, but i have to get permission first because the limit is 18 hours. i gotta remember to do that this week, i keep forgetting to fill out the form. then i'm doing 18 hours this summer. i'm trying to get done so i can go to medical school. i'm looking at three right now. the uniformed armed services medical school (or whatever its called), the university of new mexico in albuquerque or morehouse school of medicine. i'll be happy at either one. but i'd be more excited at the university of new mexico. if i move away, i'm not gonna have a long distance relationship. i'll just have to break up with whomever i'm with. i've learned my lesson about those. i should break up with torrey every time he has to go back home...like for thanksgiving and winter break and spring break and summer break.

well, that..that's about it. peace out.

jenny

i just read my very first blog post from back in march 2003 and...wow. lol, how i have changed. i cannot believe i felt those things and used those words and...wow. now i gotta go back and read the entire thing.

i saw stephen king's the mist yesterday. it was really really good. now i gotta see that new will smith movie that comes out next month..."i am legend" or something like that. i can't wait. maybe i can see that with torrey before he goes home for the winter break. aww, that's gonna make me sad, but at least sam will be here while he's gone. i may go to florida for the week before christmas. i haven't seen them all in a long long while.

ok, i'm going now. peace homies.

jennifer

it's thanksgiving today, sam is here, and we are bored as hell. nothing at all is open on thanksgiving. so we're sitting around the room looking at each other.

torrey called me back last night too and talked to me for about an hour. he's down in americus, georgia with his family. this guy is unbelievable. it's so not what i'm used to.

i think i might give up this blog soon. i always say that but then i keep coming back. it's good to write down what's happening to you every day. you can look back and be like, i felt like that? i said that? i was in love with him? but yeah...torrey has a journal that he writes in every day. almost every day. he lets me look at it sometimes. it's kinda cool.

so anyways, i gotta go find something to do. i'll holla bitches.

jenn

my boyfriend went home for thanksgiving...and i miss him so much already. he hasn't even been gone for 24 hours yet. this is crazy fast. he even called me and talked to me for a long time when he got home. lamar never ever ever ever ever called me and talked to me when he went out of town. like he was ashamed of me or something. or had better things to do. whatever. ok, gotta go. peace out.

jennifer

this new thing i have going on...its moving so fast. much faster than any other relationship i've been in before. me and torrey spend so much time together. i'm up in his room, it seems like now, like every day. we don't even do much. just talk, laugh, make jokes, make out, he cooks for me, then i go home. it's a great arrangement we got going on.

so he's a really good kisser. like i said before, with each new person i kiss, they rate higher and higher on the list. so far, torrey is at the top. he's just so passionate about it. it's really good. he gets me really hot. so i'm not so sure i'll be making it to 23 as a virgin. i think i need to go ahead and knock this one out. i don't want to lose another guy because of sex. i'm too old to be losing a guy because i'm not ready for sex. i just have to suck it up, maybe have a drink or two, and get it done. well, he does get me hot, so maybe i don't need a couple of drinks first.

torrey's from americus, georgia...which is like a half hour from where my mom was born in montezuma, georgia. he says he's been to montezuma several times and knows exactly where it is. he's a really sensitive dude too. i could really fall for him. he's not too tall, but he's taller than me, so i guess he can get a couple points for that. he's not light skinned, thank god, but he's not dark either. he's not thick either. he's really cut though and works out a lot. his abs are so shaped and defined...it's hot.

he likes when i kiss his neck and behind his ears...his hot spot...i found it already. he also likes opening his eyes when we're kissing and looking at me. i've caught him staring a few times. it's kinda weird, but hey, it's his thing, not mine. when i come over...he ALWAYS cooks for me and lets me watch whatever i want on his tv (which really takes my breath away). i don't know, he's just really cool. we're moving along pretty fast, so i'm thinking sex is in the near future. he's tried to give me...well...service me, but i couldn't do it. but i serviced him and he was not into it. i mean, he...completed...but he said i was too rough and that it just wasn't for him. i did read in cosmo that like 9% of all dudes aren't into that at all though, so i can't be too mad at it. when i was doing it, he put his hands in my hair and moved my head up and down and told me what he liked and what felt good and gave me feedback and was moaning, so that was new...different. but he didn't tell me that he was gonna cum soon enough and i got a bit in my mouth...which i wasn't surprisngly too mad about. i did spit that shit out though. i am not into swallowing. so anyway, i don't think that's gonna be happening too much more often. i think lamar enjoyed it anyways when i did it. but yeah...i need to try out a few more guys and get a general consensus on what most dudes like. i just don't think torrey is into...being serviced...cause i know i was working it. but WHATEVER!!!

so i'm gonna go get ready now. torrey's cooking for me again, so i'm going over to his place. i'm thinking i may need to stop by the gas station and pick up a condom or two. things always get so hot and heavy. they've been getting hotter and heavier every time i see him. he likes running his hands in my hair and along my face and back and butt and waist when we make out. just kissing and caressing. it's so different than what i'm used to. it's crazy. anyways, i gotta go shower and put on some "nice" panties just in case. i need to let go of my inhibitions. the world is ending in just five years and there's so much i want...need to get done. wish me luck.

jennifer

i finally did it. i successfully masturbated to completion today. it was good. it was weird. i got into it and i got a rhythm going and it happened. it was great. i won't say who or what i was thinking about, but it worked. so i know what to do now. wow, i cannot believe i did it.

anyways, the semester is almost over, thank god. i cannot wait. all right then, peace out. until next time.

love, jenny

well tonight was the first kiss. it could have gone a little better, but first kisses are always akward. it was good though. torrey has nice, full lips, so it was good. but i wasn't as excited as when lamar kisses me. lamar gets me excited and wet and happy, but me and torrey are new, and i know we'll find that one day.

anyways, i'm going to bed now.

peace out.

jenny

is it beginning to fizzle already?

that's what i get for jumping into stuff. i might need to be single again. note to self: always wait a few weeks before jumping into a relationship with a guy, cause they may turn out not like you wanted them to. you learn so much.

anyways, i'm tired and i still have 12 more hours at this damn school. i was falling asleep already in my 8 am lab! i usually don't start getting tired and start bobbing my head until around 1 in my government class. this is crazy. i need to catch up on some major z's.

it's been a long few days. torrey actually cooked dinner for me the other night. i have never in my life had someone cook for me. me and lamar were together for 5 years and he never ever cooked me anything. i cooked for him, but...what a loser. but yeah, torrey is a good cook. he can cook a lot of different stuff that i've never even tried before. he's gonna make me some fried green tomatos next time because i told him i really liked them. and we ordered pizza the other night, and he hadn't even known me that long, but knew i liked pineapples and ham on my pizza and surprised me when he ordered it. he did a lot of reading up on me before he started talking to me. he had found me on facebook and we had a couple of classes together and have been "kicking it" ever since. it's cool though...something new.

i was just thinking about how i made out with my 39 year old boss when i was 19...i'm such a whore.

oh, i meant to bring this up earlier...riche's halloween thing...it was so weird. when i got there, me and riche and her boyfriend were the only ones there so we sat and talked and laughed for like an hour and a half. then her boyfriend busted out with a "me and riche were talking about this before you got here, but you are hot as hell" and i was just so embarassed. i mean, riche is one of my best friends and her boyfriend is telling me this. but anyways, later in the night, there was talk of an orgy, then just a threesome. it was getting hot. and she tells him that i'm still a virgin, she tells this dude everything. but yeah, it was hot. it was weird, but hot.

ok, well that's all. i'm gonna go now cause my stomach is bubbling and i think i have to throw up. peace out.

jennifer

i have been having really really really weird dreams lately.

i dreamt that some dude was trying to kill me and riche in some basement somewhere.

i dreamt that lawrence kidnapped my sister and me in my car.

i dreamt that me and torrey were making out and i was laying on top of him and his junk was all flacid (cause with lamar, it was always...not flacid).

just really weird stuff.

i'm in a "relationship" now. we'll see how it goes.

sam is coming for thanksgiving and christmas. i'm so excited.

i went as a hooters girl for halloween...it was great.

i got to register for my spring classes. i'm on a mission right now. i'm gonna finish school and never take any breaks again. i have three science classes and labs and a film class and an english class. this summer i'm taking my last history class and a lot of bio and bio labs.

haven't had that first kiss yet with torrey, but we're having a lot of fun getting there, getting to know each other.

there's about four or five more weeks of regular classes left before finals and i cannot wait for this christmas break. i'm thinking about going to florida.

mylanda invited me to columbia in a couple of weeks for her brother's wedding. i'm gonna try to go, but we'll see.

oh yeah, i dreamt my kyra came back to me. i dreamt that twice. i miss her so much.

ok, well i'm gonna roll out now. peace out.

jenn

i've been daydreaming about having sex a lot lately. like every day. i think my body is telling me that i need to go ahead and give it up. and i've been daydreaming about one person in particular. maybe its because we're a lot alike. i daydream about doing all kinds of naughty things with him.

so i guess i won't be a 23 year old virgin.

jenn jenn

i found out the cause of my bruising...it was my friggin drums. i bump my thigh on it daily and i completely forgot about that. and i always get hit on the exact same spot on my thigh. my bruise now is so huge and dark and purple. i need to do something about it.

is it possible that i've found my match? maybe, maybe.

time to pack, later.

jennifer

i have this huge ass bruise on my thigh. it's weird cause i just looked down one day and saw it there. i don't remember hitting my leg or anything. and it's shaped like a five pointed star, so that's even weirder. i don't know, maybe i was grinding myself in my sleep and got a little rough...who knows.

anyways, i have a chem quiz to study for, so peace bitches.

oh yeah, i found the perfect halloween costume. it's gonna be hot. it's not a cop or a french maid like my first two choices. as soon as this party comes around, i'll be sure to post pictures of it. i'm so excited.

anyways, all right then, i'm gonna get back to it. you ain't talking about nothing anyways.

love ya,

jennifer a.

it's almost the big halloween party and i have an idea of who i want to ask to go with me. i'll ask him by the end of next week. he's not into partying though. he's kinda quiet like me. but we'll see. i'm planning on a very cute outfit. i was gonna do sexy cop, but i think i'm gonna switch to french maid. it's gonna be hot.

anyways, i've been having weird dreams lately. the other day, i dreamt i had my contacts in and that i cut out my pupil and iris in one eye and placed it in between the glass in a monocle. my eye still looked normal though and when i wore the monocle, it wasn't even clear...it was blurry. so after a while, i was like, "wtf? why did i do that? i can't even see now." so it was weird.

i have a crush on a new dude now. it was a different dude a couple weeks ago, now it's this 20 year old dude. we've been talking almost every night. the guy i'm gonna ask to go with me to this halloween thing.

i dropped calculus. i'm gonna clep out though. i wish i had known about clep before. well i did, i'm just so damn lazy.

seven years from now, i WILL be a doctor...that's a bet. and i'm planning on moorehouse school of medicine here in atlanta or the university of new mexico in albuquerque. those are the two that i want to apply to. i'd be happy to get into either. i'm working my ass off now though. wish me luck.

all right then, my head is throbbing, i just got my hair done. i'm gonna take an aspirin and go to bed. peace.

jenny

i love hot bubble baths. i prefer a bubble bath over a shower any day. especially in the winter time when its cold out.

jenny

note to self:

never give out my number to dudes that ride marta...ever again. these dudes are losers and stalkers.

jenny