This funk definitely has something to do with my failed attempt at...FML.

I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm unhappy. I feel like crap. I'm hopeless. I deserve more. I want more. I'm in need. I'm missing something. Fuck--now i'm sleepy. Bye.

I feel so hopeless and depressed right now. I just feel like shit.

so i thought i was gonna do it. i was talking a lot of shit. i had psyched myself up to do it, but then when it came down to it...i was scared shitless. i lost my f-in nerve man! i can't believe it! i got in the car, i got there...all the steps were leading up to what i thought would happen, but i was just soooo scared. FML.

well like i always say, everything happens for a reason. there's this girl in my biochem class that i was just talking to about this on friday. we had this whole conversation about everything happening for a reason and it was an amazing conversation too. and just, pretty much all of my plans for this weekend had fallen through, but i can't be mad cause everything happens for a reason. there was a reason this happened or didn't happen. my time will come.

ok, having said that...i used to only attract black guys (usually dark skinned black guys at that...maybe that's where my fetish for dark skinned guys came from), but now, i get all kinds of dudes trying to holla. black, white, asian, hispanic. it's so weird. it's just like an all of a sudden thing too. everybody wants a piece and who am i to deny that to anybody. ok, so this is the order of guys now that try to holla:

1) black
2) asian
3) white
4) hispanic
5) other

so i think it's pretty interesting that asian dudes are #2 on that list. and i think it's even more interesting that hispanics came in under whites on the list. and even more interesting, waaaayy more light skinned dudes try to holla than dark skinned dudes now. it used to be the reverse of that, but not anymore. if i could change one thing about the list, it would be to have more dark skinned dudes holla, but i can't complain.

and a thing i do that i need to work on for the new year is this...ok, so i have manners and i know how to take a compliment. you know how when you're walking down the street and a dude says something like "hey beautiful, how you doin?". well when that happens, i naturally smile because, hello, i was just given a compliment. well with these dudes, they get encouraged when they see you smile and then pursue you harder. i have no interest in talking to one of those "everyday, extra-ordinary street niggas", ok! but i am a girl and i do get flattered when i'm complimented.

ok, now onto my halloween weekend. i took the weekend off from work. friday night, i actually went to Cinefest and saw "Drag Me to Hell" with Torrey. we were both on campus and i called him up and asked if he would come see it with me and so he did ;)
and so i went home and spent the next few hours cleaning. my brother josh and one of his friends was supposed to be coming up for sam's birthday, but that fell through. so me and sam went and got halloween costumes. she was a prisoner and i was amy winehouse..excuse me...amica winehouse. that was fun. on saturday, i spent the day with my friend sharon down in my old stomping grounds...riverdale/jonesboro. that was fun. we kinda just drove around all day and saw our old job (we worked together at value village in 03-04) and just reminisced all day. she took me to a friend of her's job. her friend was a lesbian and was talking about licking coochie and whatnot. it was weird, funny, it was a lot of things, but i had a good time. we went to this laundry mat in riverdale and the damn thing had an arcade, a big screen flat plasma tv, a pool table (only in riverdale). this short dark skinned dude tried to holla. i love my dark skinned dudes, but i don't love short ones. and so we went to ihop and we went to the dollar movies. i used to go to the dollar movies in fayetteville every weekend with sam. yesterday definitely brought back memories.

and so after that is when i dared to do what i thought i was gonna do. but as i already said...that didn't work out. i was supposed to go to riche's party and that didn't work out either. i still dressed up though. that was fun, and i was looking hot.

ok, well time to go clean and then study. ttyl bitches.

jenny jenn jenn

Am i really about to do what i think i'm about to do???? I think i am.

Normally, i would be at work right now, but i'm walking around downtown atlanta all alone trying to find some trouble to get into.

so here's the thing. i want to start dating other guys. i'm single now. i've been single for a while. me and torrey really started having problems i think starting this past summer, so i've basically been single since then.

but the thing is, i can't stop thinking about torrey. i don't think we're gonna work out in the end. we're just on two totally different pages and i don't want to put time and energy into something that won't work out in the end, but i can't stop thinking about him.

on another note, i was walking into work saturday night and there's this guy lying on a couch in the lounge. as soon as i walk in, he woke up and i asked him if he had a good nap. then he tells me to come here for a sec. he had seen me in the break room a few weeks back and wanted to talk to me but didn't get a chance. anyway, he's 31 and he gave me his number. he wants me to call him so he can take me out. he said we could just try one date and if i didn't like it, well at least i'd get a free meal out of it. and i've always been talking about getting together with an older man (finally!). but i don't know about that. i don't even know the dude. we'll see.

and there's this guy riche is trying to hook me up with. he's befriended me on facebook and struck up a introduction and a conversation with me. that's cool.

and then, well, i won't go on.

but the thing is, i can't stop thinking about torrey. but i must move on. but i'll feel kinda bad about moving on cause i know torrey is still in love with me and he's not moving on just yet. so, i don't know, should i put off with dating someone new until he starts dating someone new since i am the one who broke things off? that would be the right thing to do right?

and then i feel like it's not gonna work out with me and some other dude and by the time i realize that i need to be with torrey, he'll have already moved on.

anyway...ok, good night.

-jenny "hold him jimmy's brother" jenn jenn

Oh my god! The most glorious idea just came to me. I'm gonna make pot brownies next weekend! Oh thats gonna be so sweet. I don't have to work either...YES!

so i didn't make it to riche's game night cause i couldn't get off work. it was last friday night and i was supposed to meet that guy there. not like meet up with him or anything, just meet him for the first time. so since i didn't, i guess he's taking the iniative and requested my friendship on facebook. now, i've never talked to this dude, this whole thing was to be set up by riche.

so he finally put up pictures of himself and...he's ok.

pro: he has green eyes
con: he's light skinned

pro: i get to kiss someone new
con: i get to kiss someone new

pro: he's cute and has a great smile
con: he's a year and a half younger than me

so am i gonna go there? who knows. i think the most amount of time i've spent in between relationships is about two months. of course, i want it to be a lot longer this time around, but who know's how it'll all turn out.

i feel like in my relationship with torrey, i felt like the dude who was kinda like "whatevs" about the whole relationship and he was the girl who was always all emotional and feeling. i don't know, that's how i've felt in all of my relationships...more or less.

but i kind of do want to move on though. i can date around, i don't have to be serious with anyone. and this dude seems...experienced (sexually). so that's probably all it would end up being anyway. i wonder if riche even told him about my situation. actually, i wouldn't mind being with a few different guys. nothing long or serious. just having fun. i like the sound of that.

oh, so i found out that i'm graduating cum laude. it's not magnum or summa, but i'll take it. i got a 'c' in orgo 2 and a "c+' in calculus, so that's not bad. maybe i'll retake those two classes after i graduate to wipe those ugly things from my record. 'c's are for losers. and i ain't a loser. i'm a winner baby. i'm on my way to the top.

so i need to do two of my life goals...or start working on them anyways. i want to run a marathon and i want to go to an open mic and just freestyle. i need to start doing some research about what marathon i can run in and start training and i need to up my lyrical skills so i can go up on stage with my ish. i'm thinking i'll finish the marathon thing before the rapping thing. those are two so totally different goals, but hey, that's what i do boo.

i'm gonna end with my favorite song of all time. i had a quiz on facebook about me and one of the questions was: "what is my favorite song?" and of course i had a gavin degraw song as one of my choices, but guess what....WRONG!!! it ain't a gavin degraw song that's my favorite. it's this 1975 Queen song written by the lead singer Freddie Mercury who, interestingly, was actually a queen (he was gay) and he was like middle eastern or something. that kinda blew my mind. anyways, here's my favorite song of all time and the most geniously written song of all time. it's Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody".





by the way, the band 'the darkness' is like a late 90s, early 2000s knockoff of Queen. the darkness had a song out called "i believe in a thing called love" that sounded a lot like a lot of queen songs, especially like "bohemian rhapsody". i still love it though. here it is:



on that note...good night everybody. i love you. well some of you. maybe.

jenny "and take of that vest, you look like aladdin" jenn jenn

so this was my facebook status earlier this week and i got a few responses. the guys that i talked to about it won't admit it, but they know it's the truth. i asked my friend sanjay in my biochem class and he denied it too, but i know what the deal is. anyways, this was what it is:

ladies--if you are dating a guy and you two are not having sex, then you guys are JUST FRIENDS. You are NOT his girlfriend.

so i took my graduation pics...well i just needed to take some quick pics to send out with my invitations. i'm gonna take the "real" pics next month sometime when i get MY real cap and gown. i had to rent a cap and gown to use for the photos. but they did turn out really well. i'm very happy with them. i'm gonna scan and post them soon.

i registered to take the GRE next monday. i register for my first set of graduate classes tomorrow. i think i may take 5 classes in the spring. i can get this master's degree in just three semesters (spring, summer, and fall) which means i get fall of 2011 off and that summer off before i head to med school. bitchin' huh?

and since i'm graduating in less than two months, i've been thinking about this and i would really LOVE to take a week long vacation somewhere ALONE. maybe i'll go to Roswell, New Mexico. that would be so nice. actually, that would be REALLY nice. i need to look into that. a week in the desert alone in a hotel room. that would be so bitchin. i could fly out. actually, i don't care for flying anymore, so maybe i'll take a train out cause that's waaaay too long of a drive by myself. then rent a car when i'm down there and just relax.

ok, anyway, i'm going to work now. FML.

TTFN.

jenny "that's why you picked a dumb fucking fairy tale name" jenn jenn

I will say that 1 thing i didn't really like about torrey was that he wasn't a big cuddler, he needed his own space. I want a cuddler when i get serious again.

You know, this would have been the month of our 2 year anniversary. Neither one of us really knew when it started. Thats funny. It just kinda happened.

so he wants all or nothing from me. i can totally respect that, but that's not what i want anymore. i think he's pretty greedy for the all or nothing thing, but i can't be mad at what he wants. i had always been like that in relationships but now, i'm just like..."fuck the dumb shit".

jenny

so there were a lot of sweaty black girls at the gym class heroes concert and all i gotta say is:



that's right, it pretty much happened to me...kinda sorta. it was bad man. those girls were...

anyways, travis (the lead singer) kept on sweating and shaking his sweaty ass face and hair into the crowd and i got some of his damn sweat on my cheek and my f-in' lip! sam got sweat in her mouth...twice. but it was still a good show.

ok, i'm going to bed now. bye.

jenny

i mean seriously...

he wants to be in a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship and i don't, so i guess he is wasting his time. and anyway, i have told him that i don't think he's "THE ONE" for me, which was probably a little mean, but it's just how i felt. ultimately, i don't think it'll work out in the end anyways, so whatevs...

ok, i'm done.

-jenny

i haven't blogged in several days.

i've been good. i can't complain. i bought my cap and gown. i got my invitations all set and ready to go. i'm taking some cap and gown pics tomorrow. i'm taking the GRE sometime next week (probably Thursday). I have two more months until graduation. I'm feeling good.

so here's the current situation with me and torrey. there is no situation. we had recently started hanging out again, but he seems to be tryiing to push the whole us being back in a relationship thing. but like i keep telling him, i don't want to be in a relationship like that with him right now. i mean, i enjoy hanging out, but for the first time in my life, i don't want to be in a relationship. i don't want to be exclusive. i just want to be single and play the field.

so the other day, torrey just assumed that we were together (because i had asked him about some condoms he had in his room and got mad about it). but i let him know that we weren't and he hasn't talked to me since. whatevs. like vickey LOVES to say..."fuck the dumb shit".

so torrey doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. he told me he's tired of wasting his time. whatevs! again, "fuck the dumb shit."

ok, i'm gonna go study now. peace out.

ohhhh, i need to post the gym class heroes pictures and video soon. the show was hot.

ok, bye.

jenny

I'm at the Gym Class Heroes concert with Whyte Shads :-)

geeze, i haven't blogged in a little minute.

so you all remember back in the day when you were in elementary school and middle school and it was school picture day. well what type of background did you always get? that's right...lasers!



well here's mine. this was the third grade and ya girl was looking goofy as hell. no wonder no boys liked me, lol. i didn't get the attention of the boys til about tenth grade.

and my teeth were all jacked up. as soon as those teeth fell out, my teeth grew back in straight and perfect. looking at these pictures, looks like i must have had some type of braces along the way, but nope...i'm all natural ;)

anyways, here it is:




thank god i grew out of that mess. damn!!!

jenny "mclovin, were you just violating that young girl?" jenn jenn

I have not gone to see a movie in months. After all these exams i have in 2 weeks, i'm gonna go. Probably alone, but i'm definately going ...to see something.