they say when two people are in a sexless relationship and they break up...the guy goes and tries to push sex immediately on the very next girl he tries to be with. he rushes and really pursues the sex for what he was lacking previously.

i'm just sayin. i can't really blame a guy for going out and doing that after me. being with someone for years and not letting them hit it...that ain't right. i realize that it isn't right. but i just can't do it. i was reading this sandra brown book and they were saying how important sex is in a relationship. it shows physically how you emotionally feel about someone.

but this is precisely why i don't need to get into another serious long term relationship with a guy unless i know i'm ready for a sexual relationship. i mean, i'm going on 25 years old. i'm getting to old for this shit. so no more LTRs for me.

honestly though, i still think i need to go see a specialist about this. i'm pretty sure my insurance doesn't include psychotherapy though. but i really would like to go and talk to someone about it...soon. i recognize that i do in fact have a problem. what i'm doing (or not doing) is not normal and i need help.

so i'm bringing this all up cause i'm just sad right now. i was talking to torrey and he doesn't seem to be phased at all that we broke things off for good. he said he had given up weeks ago. ok, well that's fine. but then i got the feeling that he was already sleeping with someone else. and i couldn't be mad at that, that's his business. but it does make me sad and angry. he said he wasn't, but i'm kinda pissed right now. even if he's not at the moment, he will soon. he definitely won't have to wait two years with his next girlfriend to sleep with her.

i was watching something and this panel of guys were talking about how, unfortunately, sex plays a huge role in their relationships with girls. probably one of the most important things that a guy wants in a relationship and i can't offer.

i'm just scared that now, i have to start all over with a new guy to try to get comfortable enough with them to try it. shit, i may be well over 30 before i have sex. IF i ever have the guts to do it at all. i'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. i've been crying all morning about this. i just need to be happy and calm myself down.

i don't know man. i'm so sad. why can't i just be a normal person and have a normal sex life like every other 24 year old in a serious, long term relationship?

ok, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. i'm pretty torn up about this, so i'll probably be writing about it for a few days so if you're getting sick of it...OH WELL!!! this is my blog, shit, i don't give a fuck.

good night. i need to go take a nap. i'm in a shitty mood, my head is banging, my body aches, and i'm feeling really depressed right now. these pain pills are kicking in now and i'm getting really drowsy, so i'm gonna go to sleep.

later.

-jenny