sex is soooo overated. like, when you think about it...sex should just be a perk in a relationship. it should be something that just makes the relationship better. it shouldn't be the thing that makes or breaks the relationship. the relationship should already be banging before that. it should just be the icing on the cake.

and i got all that from watching The Tool Academy on VH1. its a show about girlfriends who brought their boyfriends to this tool academy because they were huge d-bags and the girlfriends wanted the boyfriends to change. but this one tool said that and it just clicked in me. that's exactly right. that's exactly what sex should be. but its just so casual and thrown around. i guess i'm just from the old school. i think you should be with a guy and be in love with them before you sleep with them. and i swear i'm the only one who thinks this way today. and it's not that i haven't been in love with guys, it just hasn't felt like the right time for me.

the only person i know that's my age and still a virgin is, incidentally enough, daniel. me and daniel went out in high school like two months before i went out with HIM. and for a guy to still be a virgin at 23, i really dig that. i'm gonna be 24 in three months. 24 and no "p" in the "va-gee" (that's from superbad).

i've seen superbad like 100 times now. i pretty much know all the words now. it is so funny.

but anyways...sex. i'm about to turn 24, i'm about to graduate from college, i'm a black girl. it's like, i've beaten all of the odds. i know girls who are 14, 15, 16 who already have kids. i said "kids" with an "s". it's just like...i'm about to be out of my prime. when my mom was 24, she already had two kids. i'm gonna be 30 in 6 years. oh my god! 6 years isn't far from now.

i want to have kids and a big house and a husband and a dog and a nice car (maybe two), and my family, and above everything else...i want to be really really happy. i'm not gonna be able to have half of that unless i start giving it up.

i'm seriously thinking i may need to go see someone about this. like a professional. i have some problems. i have some problems and i need some resolutions. i can't be this way. i'm never gonna keep a guy if i stay this way. a guy hears that you're a virgin and they want to be with you cause they think that they'll be the one that you're gonna give it up to, but when they realize that they aren't the one...they start messing around and they eventually just lose interest and want to go somewhere else.

but i'm ranting because i'm frustrated right now. i was fine all day and i didn't even start thinking about this until i sat down and started watching "seeing other people". i love the movie, but it just puts me in a bad mood. it makes me take a long hard look at myself. maybe i shouldn't watch it anymore. but it's so good.

but it's not like i don't want sex. i do want sex. it just makes me sooooo uncomfortable to think of actually doing it. i'll be making out with torrey sometimes and think to myself, 'i wish he'd just rip all my clothes off, bend me over, and just have me.' but when i think about it, i think 'i don't really want to do that.'

but on a positive note...i don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy scares, all that crap.

i'm scared to death that i will never get over this.

for the longest time after me and HIM ended, i thought that i didn't want to have kids for a long time (i had started thinking how much i really wanted kids when i was with HIM). but recently, it's been sneaking up on me again. i'm almost 24, i'm at the childbearing age (i have been for a while), and now i can't wait (again) to have kids of my own. i used to want to have a son first, but now i really want to have a little girl.

on that note, i'm about to go...i'm getting more and more depressed.

the scene on "seeing other people" just came on where the alice and her fiance ed were arguing about seeing other people and sleeping with other people. she was talking about how he had slept with so many people and he was talking about how she was only sleeping with one. she said "you're the one who's having all the meaningless sex!" and he said "i know, it's meaningless! i can't stand it, it's so meaningless!" but he's in love with her. he's so in love with her. and then this book i had to read for my english class, So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba, this African dude is a really rich lawyer and he marries this girl that he's so in love with. his parents don't like her cause she's kinda poor and lower class than them, but he really loves her and wants to be with her, regardless. and then his mother finds out this other girl for him to marry (they're muslim, so they're allowed to have three wives) and he does. he says he only does because his mom is making him and she would be so sad if he refuses. so he marries this young girl and sleeps with her and everything. has all these kids by her. the first wife left him and he talks about how much he misses her and wants to be with her and only her and is only with the younger girl because his mom is making him, but he continues to sleep with this other girl and have all of these kids by her.

that's a dude for you.

ok, i'm really gonna go now. i have a genetics test and micro test to study for. peace out.

jenny "what, you want me to eat my desert by myself like i'm fucking steven glansburg" jenn jenn