I need to let go and let god.

>:( still pissed ):<

Two more years at school in Tennessee and then one year of externships then I'll be Dr. A. I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm funny, and fine, I have this weird thing going on with my weight where I keep losing pounds but it could be worse, I could be gaining. I'm gonna get that in check though one day soon. Actually I think I already have. I think I've topped off at about 100 lbs. So that's good. I haven't really gotten any lower than that yet. But I say all this to say that it's all good that my boyfriend would rather be single than to marry me. Whatevs!! I will be just fine. I have a lot going for myself cause if he doesn't want me, I can find a thousand guys that will line up around the block for me, ok!

Can you tell this whole thing has been bothering me for a few days?? Well it has! At first, I was like, whatevs, that's how you feel, that's fine. Then I was hurt, but now I'm really pissed. After what we went through with him telling his ex he wanted to marry her, I'm pissed. I'm pissed that he lets me be around his family, but would rather be single than marry me. This is why I don't discuss marriage with boyfriends. I never ever asked a previous boyfriend about marriage...ever. This was the first, and last, time. I knew I always wanted it with Lamar, but we never talked about it in the five, six years we were together. We had way too many problems. But me and Lance have been together three years and things have been going pretty good so I asked and boy did that go wrong. Never again.

Ok, well I want to be done talking about this now. Just wanted to get it off of my chest. *sigh*

My eyes are becoming clear 😳

I oftentimes think I don't get all the happiness I deserve :(

So I ask my boyfriend of three years about marriage and all of a sudden he wants to be single again. Interesting because this is the same guy who told his ex, behind my back while we were together, that he wanted to marry her and have her kids. That's ok. That just means I'm not the one and that's fine. I said that earlier. It's just now hitting home. And as 30 is fast approaching, I don't know, I feel like I have to do something about it soon.

And now I'm sure :( Oh well.

My boyfriend's mom thinks I look like Megan Goode (hadn't heard that in a while) but he says I look more like Brandy. He's hatin'.

Chicks my age either have a ring or a baby. I've always wanted both, but guess their not in my cards right now. Haven't met 'The One' yet I guess.

goes.

me lose weight. I've already lost a fifth of my body weight in four months. We'll see how it

Between August and December, I lost 25+ lbs. And I'm still losing. Going into the new year under 100 lbs. I'm on this medication for migraines and its making

I also need to start blogging again.

I used to laugh a lot. I'm gonna start doing that again.

I live in Tennessee now. Long story. Massive update blog on my hiatus coming soon.

-Jenny

Having my last morsel of sweetness (candy) and possibly writing my last blog before the start of Lent. May not be back til April. Cya suckas!

Tomorrow is Lent. What will I give up for the Lord? I'm thinking about sweets and blogging so if you don't hear from me til April, you know why (dang, and I had resolved to blog every day this year, too...but what's 40 days?). And another 40 days of just water and no red meat or chicken. After February is over, I'm gonna at least start having fish again.

-Jenn Jenn (more and more people have taken to calling me this lately. It's become my name of choice now of Vickey, Landon, and some people at work. I wonder when and how this all happened--and seemingly all at the same time). Cya.

I hate this job.

"I will never settle for being someone's second choice when I know that somewhere I am someone's first choice."

I was bored and couldn't sleep and I happened to end up reading Lamar's old blog. He only bogged a few times in 2003 and once (and for the last time) in 2005. We dated from 2001 to about 2006 or so. So in 2003 during his blogging period, we had been together for two years. From re-reading his blog, I think he really did love me and really cared about me at one time. It's amazing and shocking to see what he wrote about me/us seeing how our relationship had ended. He said I was the love of his life (we were 18, but it was still cute), how he loved me so much, how he wanted to marry me one day, how he was falling more and more in love with me everyday, how he couldn't wait to hear my voice on the phone, just such sweet sweet things. Things had ended so badly with us, I don't even remember him being that sweet to me. It was just amazing.

Anyway, clearly I was bored. I've never really been single for too long, so I guess the solitude and single-dom has me reviewing my previous relationships and trying to figure out what went wrong and the warning signs to look for during the next go around and what to avoid. Every relationship had an aspect of having something that completely topped anything I'd had with the other relationships (even with Lamar) and things that were so terrible (ESPECIALLY with Lamar) and I'd have to say that Lamar topped both those extremes, unfortunately. I think my next blog may list all the pros and cons of ALL of my exes. This will be a check-list of sorts of what to look for and/or avoid in my next relationship. Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep in before I head to the gym in a couple hours.

I don't think I've mentioned on my big that since November, I've been working out with a personal trainer. Trying to tone up and whatnot. I'm finishing up the fourth month of working out and the results are coming very slowly, but surely. Building muscle in my legs, shoulders, arms. Losing a little bit of fat, but its going pretty good.

Ok, I'll ttyl.

Jenn Jenn (as Landon has grown accustomed to calling me now--he got it from Vickey.)