i've been seeing my brother alan when i look at myself in the mirror lately. it's scary. i think me and alan look the most alike out of all 9 of my siblings.

but anyways...oh yeah, i keep forgetting to mention. i met little richard last saturday on my birthday. i will always remember what i did on my 21st birthday forever now. i just had the best weekend of my life. met little richard on saturday and had a really great time with lamar on sunday and monday. the only thing that will top that weekend would be just a second with gavin degraw. to just si 'hi' or something. though longer than a second would be much much better. that would be the highlight of my life. better than marriage or having kids and all of that shit. one day it'll happen.

so i'm gonna go to work now. holla.

jenn

they're sending josh to iraq in a month or so.

i'm going to florida to visit my mom and brothers and sister in a month or so.

i'm not sure what i'm gonna do about school.

i need to get lasik eye surgery soon.

i wanna lose like 10 punds.

i'm so confused about what i need to do right now.

all right, i'll holla.

jenn

so it's been like four months since my last blog and i really need to try to keep up with it this time around.

so, since december. lamar moved to charlotte. so exciting. he moved here in january. so january was great with him and so was february. i'm so happy around him. but then in march, he takes this job working 5 days a week in atlanta. catering for movies. well, whatever, i guess i have to deal with that. he'll do two movies back to back which will mean he'll be in atlanta until around august and come back to charlotte on the weekends. now he tells me he might be catering for ne-yo's tour this summer too which doesn't end until the end of september. so for two months, i won't see him. i know i've gone much longer than two months before, but i got so used to him being around for those couple of months. i just really hope they don't get to do this ne-yo thing. i'm praying for it. and i know that might be such a wrong thing to be praying for, but i just don't think him going around the country for two months will be a good thing for us. i won't be able to supervise him and i already don't trust him, so it'll be very interesting how this turns out. i think i kinda already know, but we'll see. and then we barely even talk during the week now cause he's so tired or busy, i know i won't hear from him at all if he goes on tour. no communication plus no trust equals a very very bad situation. so, i don't know.

anyway, i don't wanna get myself down again with that. on to something else.

in april, my birthday was last weekend, on the 22nd. i went to atlanta for the weekend to celebrate. the first two days, i was so bored out of my mind. me and my mom had plans to go out, but i decided to come on such short notice, that we hadn't really thought through everything. so our plans went bust. but...on sunday and monday, the best two days after my birthday that i've ever had. lamar really know how to make me feel good (not like that you sicko). he made me smile, he made me laugh, and i was just happy and having a good time.

i had gotten my nails done, my hair, fresh outfit, shoes, pedicure, just trying to look cute for my birthday weekend and mostly for lamar right. so we're all over atlanta the day after my b-day, on sunday, and i'm just gettin all kinds of looks from these dudes. oh yeah, gotta do that more often, dress up. anyway, i had fun. had to go home. sad about leaving lamar behind in atlanta.

anyways, so today, i was walking the dog and this dude tried to holla. and if i didn't have a boyfriend already, i woulda holla'd back. he wasn't a thug, he was dressed up like he had just gotten off a 9-5, slacks, button down shirt, tall, dark skinned. just looking fresh. i told him i had a boyfriend and he said that we could just be friends. but i told him i'd see him around. he lives in the same building as me, but a few rows down. i'll make sure to wear something cute whenever i walk the dogs now. i do need more friends.

but anyway, that's about it. i guess a good time to do this every day would be in the morning before work. that sounds like a plan. hope i can remember. i got a bad memory. so anyways, what was i saying? nothing. i'll holla.

jenn

so i have the internet at home now and can blog whenever i want, but haven't been doing it.

so to catch up...lamar's supposed to be moving in with me. hope it works out.

i caught up with brim and am supposed to call her so me her and lang can hang out sometime. awesome!

lamar came up the day after xmas and is staying with me all week. he's staying a little over a week.

that's pretty much it. i'm gonna make this a daily thing again. aight, ciao.

holla!

jenny

so, new jersey....new jersey was a trip. everybody already knows what happened pretty much, but i'll tell it again.

so i was in new jersey for a week, last week, spending some time with lamar. everything was going fine until tuesday night. he was supposed to get off of work at like 2, didn't show up until like 7 or 8. so i was pissed. i had just been sitting there waiting for him. he finally strolls in and he tries to say hey to me, but i'm just like "whatever man". i was so mad. i just laid there and watched tv. so he comes and lays next to me and tries to talk to me, but i just blow him off. so like two minutes after he gets in, there's this really really really loud banging at the door. ok. so i'm wondering if lamar is gonna go get it. he let's the knock for a while before he decides to get up. he first goes to look out the window. i wonder what he's looking for. so after he leaves the window, he goes to the door cause the person is still knocking at the door. it was crazy how loud they were banding. they don't have a peep hole, so he opens the door to see who it is after he asks first but gets no answer. after he opens the door, this girl comes rushing in and is like..."lamar, i have to talk to you. is that jenny?" she steps into lamar's room. he pulls her back out and she's like "jenny you have to know something, lamar had sex with me last week!" what! that's when my heart fell out of my chest and jumped right out the window. i haven't told lamar, but hearing those words just broke my heart. they literally took my breath away. so anyway, this girl is yelling and screaming and punching and kicking and grabbing at lamar and he's trying to stop her or whatever and guess what i did? not a dman thing. i just stood there. i was so scared and shocked and confused. i was thrown off my game. but like i told lamar earlier, that's his problem not mine. but anyway, so lamar is yelling and cursing this girl out telling her to leave and she's still kicking and fighting him. (i am laughing so hard replaying all of this in my mind right now). so they're tussling, they knock a curtain down and they both end up on the ground. a couple of his roomates finally come out. they break it up cause i sure wasn't doing crap. they had to carry the girl outside and that's when i sat down and was like, 'whoa". it was so terrible. they called the cops, they were both about to go to jail and everything. it was straight out of a lifetime movie for real.

so this girl...when me and lamar broke up a couple months ago for that thing he did (which, by the way, i am so mad that he's telling all his people that we broke up because of something that i did or said, that's really f-ed up, they all think that' i'm the bad guy when i've been a f-ing angel for 4 f-ing years), for the five weeks that we had been broken up, he had been seeing this other girl. how do you end something for four years and start something up so soon? i don't get it. anyways, he starts dating this UGLY girl from his job. i am so offeneded that he would even talk to a girl like that. so he talks to her and they go out with him and his friends all the time and she's haning out in his room and he's haning out in her room and they're having all kinds of relations as far as i know. i get so pissed everytime i think about it cause the more and more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that he more than likely did something with this girl. it just doesn't make sense otherwise. she was just acting way too crazy for him not ot have put that thing on her. wow. i try not to think about it but i really need to stop being so naiive and face the facts. no matter what he tells me, i believe that he really did have sex with that girl because when she said that, he didn't even say "what are you talking about? i never had sex with you." or anything like that.

besides that incident, i found out that he's still been lying to me about crystal. i saw pictures of them in his phone again. and i asked him, what's so great and important and special about her that keeps making you risk our relationship? he didn't have an answer for me. another UGLY girl. well my peoples keep telling me to see it for what it really is and to leave lamar alone. i really do need to let him go the more and more i think about it. i don't deserve this shit. i deserve so much better than lamar. someone who is gonna put me and our relationship first. the number one thing i can't stand about lamar is the dishonesty. that's all i really want. is for him to be honest with me at least 90% of the time, but right now, i feel like i'm getting honesty only like 50% of the time and those odds are not good enough at all. i'm about to be 21. 4 years with this guy and i have zero trust in him. that's sad. i should have all the trust in the world in him. i had all my senses when i let him go that time a couple months ago, then i got sucked back in and now i'm so in love with the jerk and i feel right now that i need to get myself back out of this. i knew that when if i got back together with him this time, that it would be a bad idea. i just had this feeling in the back of my head, my heart, but i went for it anyway. now i don't know what to do. i am so fucking weak. lamar doesn't even care for me, but i keep sticking to him. he treats me like crap a lot of the time. this relationship i mean like crap and it's not gonna work out for me anymore.

and another thing. i've been practically begging lamar for an open relationship. for us to be able to be dating other people, but he refuses it. i feel so cheated. i think that he's doing it, so why don't we make it official, him stop being greedy and selfish, and we both can do it? that only seems fair. but no, we can't do that. with us being in a long distance relationship and for so long, i think the best thing for us would be to have an open relationship. we're both so young to be in a long distance relationship this long and having northing else. only seeing each other like 3 times a year.

ok, i'm gonna go now. i'm just going off over here because i'm so pissed and feeling so depressed right now. i probably wrote a lot of stuff that i'll regret later or that i might have to go back and delete...but i don't think i will. it's how i feel right now and i don't plan on going back and chaning anything. so...peace out bitches.

jenny "what the hell am i doing" jenn jenn

going to new jersey tonight. can't wait. i've been waiting on this vacation time for months now. they work me to death up here at transunion. but it's all good, as long as they pay me right? yeah, so anyways,

yeah. nothing new to report today i guess. this time tomorrow and for the next week, i'll be kicking back. oh yeah. i probably won't be blogging, but i'll sure try.

ok, i'll holla.

jenny "did i remember to bring protection?" jenn jenn

one more day and i can finally kick back. it's like the 'luxurious' song by gwen stefani...

workin so hard every night and day and now i get to lay back
workin so hard every night and day and now i get the payback

yeah, anyway, enough of that.

oh yeah, the funniest thing happened yesterday. ok, this guy demarques is gonna be leaving transunion tomorrow, it's his last day, he found another job. so we decided to throw this going away thing for him since he had been here for so long. this girl from data entry sends out an email asking if anyone can bring anything. so frank from proof says he can bring chips and soda, i said i'd bring some cupcakes (by the way, this obsession with cupcakes i'm starting to build? what's really going on with that? i have to have a cupcake every day now.) and then this asian chick, ka, from exam sent out this email and was like, 'i could bring something asian, i could make eggrolls, if not, i'll just bring soda or something'. no for some reason, whenever doc from exam got the email like 10 minutes later, he just started cracking up. apparantly it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. i heard him all the way from the front of the building. well when we finally figured out what he was laughing at, the girl in front of me, toshia, data entry, she was like 'well if she's gonna bring egg rolls, then i'm brining some neck bones'. after she said that, i was done. i was rolling. that was the funniest thing i had ever heard. i couldn't stop laughing for like 20 minutes, it was f-ing hilarious. how the hell you gonna bring some neck bones to an office party full of old white folks. come on now.

but yeah, anyway, that was that. ok, gonna stop wasting time here. i guess i'll holla.

jenny "i'll bring the neck bones" jenn jenn

so sleepy right now. so tired. i need to take my lunch break today, there's a lot i have to do.

my atlanta vacation was nice. was supposed to see riche and the baby, but the timing was all screwed up. i'll have to catch them next time. but i did get to hang out with my buddy daniel. hadn't hung out with him in a long time. when i get back to atlanta, i'm gonna have to hang out with him more often. he really knows his way around atlanta and he's so cool to hang out with. he can get me reacquainted with the city. i think that's the word i'm looking for. that million dollar word. anyway...he took me to the CHEESECAKE FACTORY...and then he showed me around georgia tech. he didn't take me to his room cause it was "dirty". ok, he just didn't want to be in a room alone with me, his overwhelming physical attraction to me was too much and he couldn't be around me. no, i'm just playing. he already told me that it wasn't even like that. i got it.

but anyway, the trip to atlanta pushed me even more into wanting to move back this summer. i'm like 70% atlanta, 30% charlotte right now. we'll see though. i have plenty of time to make up my mind. we'll see how it goes.

so i've been packing for my new jersey trip. two days left. i'm so excited. not as excited as before because i've seen what atlanta has to offer, but still excited. no, i'm just kidding...but not really.

ok, well i'd better go ahead and start this day so i can go home and finish packing. i'll holla.

jenny

i woke up again this morning at 3 something, but i just got up, walked around for a minute, and laid back down and was back to sleep within like 15 minutes. wow. i guess it's getting better now. we'll see how it goes.

all right, holla!

jennifer

i'll be outta town this weekend and the weekend after that. can't wait. hope the week goes by slow.

i've been going to bed early all week, then waking back up at like 2-3-4 in the morning. this happened all last week, so sunday night, i tried taking a nap earlier in the evening to see if i could make it through the night, but nope, woke up at 2 or 3 something again. i'm starting to hate it.

anyway, i'll holla.

jenny

had some really weird dreams last night. two weird dreams. can't write about them here at work, who knows who's reading, so i'll try to write about them this weekend.

anyway, yesterday at work, this one examiner likes blows up at me because i always write him up for internal errors. so he comes to me and is like "why do you write me these errors? they're friggin internal, you got the report back within a couple of hours. internal errors shouldn't count". well if internal errors don't count, i would be error free. 95% of my friggin errors are internal. even though i was a little scared of this dude cause he's at least 6'3", i look up to him and i'm like, "well i'm the only typist who even writes you guys up, if i don't do errors, none of you would be getting errors at all and then our supervisor would then make everyone write up errors and then you'd end up with more errors than what you're complaining about now. and the only time i write up an error is if you do something wrong that, if i type it the wrong way, i'd get an error for it.

so we had this big meeting about it cause he was like really trippin on me. so the supervisor basically told everyone to start writing the examiners up. so i guess he really fucked up that time.

so going back to work now. i'll holla.

jenny

going to atlanta next week, i think. should be fun.

that's all i got.

jenny

i finally wrote my mom the other day. i had to catch her up since from the beginning of high school up until now. it was only like three pages though. not a whole lot. didn't go into great detail. i sent her a few pictures. i asked her for some money for school, but of course she's not gonna help out with that. i've only known her to have one job and she didn't even have that very long. she'll probably write back asking me for money. but we'll see.

i finally bought a computer this weekend. only cost $100. not too bad. just gotta get that road runner set up i guess then i'll be in business. can't wait.

time is still going by so so so slow.

my buddy darnell is ignoring me. that's cool. whatever darnell. i see how it is. don't worry about it.

anyway, i'm gonna stop f-ing around and get to work. i'll holla.

jenn

a little less than three weeks till my vacation. can't wait. it's gonna be so much fun. i am so very excited.

ok, well i'll holla.

jenny

just blogging to say hey.

hey.

holla.

jenn

thinking about getting another body modification. i want to get another tattoo. something on my wrist this time. i'm thinking a barcode. that's what i wanted on the back of my neck, but too many people already have that, so i'll get one on my wrist...the palm side. that should be cool.

and i'm thinking about getting my cartilage peirced again. i already have one hole up there on each ear, now i'm thinking about two at the top of each ear. actually, maybe i'll just take one ear, and get the whole thing peirced, from cartillage to lobe.

i need to cut my hair or color it or something. this look i have is getting very boring. i'll work something out.

ok, well i'm gonna roll out now. holla!

jennifer

it's really good to finally be catching up with lamar. starting to feel like normal again.

jenny

my sleeping pattern is so crazy. i go to sleep so so so early now. i used to stay up to 2 and 3 every morning...now it's like 9 and 10. and i'm still tired when i get up. i must be sick or something. but anyways, gonna go out tonight and catch a movie. this is like the second night in a long time that i get to go out on a weekday and have fun with someone. it's great. don't know what we're gonna see yet. thank god i cleaned up last night, might want to invite someone in for a drink or for some sex, who knows. kinda excited about the possibilities though. ok, going to work now, holla!

jenny "so excited about my 'outing' tonight" jenn jenn

so let's try this again...my job has my blog unblocked again, let's start this thing back up. wonder how long it'll last though.

so i had a really great time this weekend. hadn't had fun in a long long time.

i'm so so so excited about going to new jersey. haven't been really excited to go before, only kinda excited. wonder what's different about this time? i don't know. we'll see how it goes though. i don't expect there to be any kind of problems this time. there usually always is some kind of argument or problem, but i really think we're gonna make it through the week fine.

anyway, work is kinda slow right now. for the past three hours actually, so i'm gonna see if i can't get out of here in a bit.

i'll try this thing again tomorrow.

holla!

jenny "i'm so excited about my vacation" jenn jenn

i feel so happy. haven't been happy in a while. hope it continues.

ok, holla!

jenny