so, new jersey....new jersey was a trip. everybody already knows what happened pretty much, but i'll tell it again.

so i was in new jersey for a week, last week, spending some time with lamar. everything was going fine until tuesday night. he was supposed to get off of work at like 2, didn't show up until like 7 or 8. so i was pissed. i had just been sitting there waiting for him. he finally strolls in and he tries to say hey to me, but i'm just like "whatever man". i was so mad. i just laid there and watched tv. so he comes and lays next to me and tries to talk to me, but i just blow him off. so like two minutes after he gets in, there's this really really really loud banging at the door. ok. so i'm wondering if lamar is gonna go get it. he let's the knock for a while before he decides to get up. he first goes to look out the window. i wonder what he's looking for. so after he leaves the window, he goes to the door cause the person is still knocking at the door. it was crazy how loud they were banding. they don't have a peep hole, so he opens the door to see who it is after he asks first but gets no answer. after he opens the door, this girl comes rushing in and is like..."lamar, i have to talk to you. is that jenny?" she steps into lamar's room. he pulls her back out and she's like "jenny you have to know something, lamar had sex with me last week!" what! that's when my heart fell out of my chest and jumped right out the window. i haven't told lamar, but hearing those words just broke my heart. they literally took my breath away. so anyway, this girl is yelling and screaming and punching and kicking and grabbing at lamar and he's trying to stop her or whatever and guess what i did? not a dman thing. i just stood there. i was so scared and shocked and confused. i was thrown off my game. but like i told lamar earlier, that's his problem not mine. but anyway, so lamar is yelling and cursing this girl out telling her to leave and she's still kicking and fighting him. (i am laughing so hard replaying all of this in my mind right now). so they're tussling, they knock a curtain down and they both end up on the ground. a couple of his roomates finally come out. they break it up cause i sure wasn't doing crap. they had to carry the girl outside and that's when i sat down and was like, 'whoa". it was so terrible. they called the cops, they were both about to go to jail and everything. it was straight out of a lifetime movie for real.

so this girl...when me and lamar broke up a couple months ago for that thing he did (which, by the way, i am so mad that he's telling all his people that we broke up because of something that i did or said, that's really f-ed up, they all think that' i'm the bad guy when i've been a f-ing angel for 4 f-ing years), for the five weeks that we had been broken up, he had been seeing this other girl. how do you end something for four years and start something up so soon? i don't get it. anyways, he starts dating this UGLY girl from his job. i am so offeneded that he would even talk to a girl like that. so he talks to her and they go out with him and his friends all the time and she's haning out in his room and he's haning out in her room and they're having all kinds of relations as far as i know. i get so pissed everytime i think about it cause the more and more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that he more than likely did something with this girl. it just doesn't make sense otherwise. she was just acting way too crazy for him not ot have put that thing on her. wow. i try not to think about it but i really need to stop being so naiive and face the facts. no matter what he tells me, i believe that he really did have sex with that girl because when she said that, he didn't even say "what are you talking about? i never had sex with you." or anything like that.

besides that incident, i found out that he's still been lying to me about crystal. i saw pictures of them in his phone again. and i asked him, what's so great and important and special about her that keeps making you risk our relationship? he didn't have an answer for me. another UGLY girl. well my peoples keep telling me to see it for what it really is and to leave lamar alone. i really do need to let him go the more and more i think about it. i don't deserve this shit. i deserve so much better than lamar. someone who is gonna put me and our relationship first. the number one thing i can't stand about lamar is the dishonesty. that's all i really want. is for him to be honest with me at least 90% of the time, but right now, i feel like i'm getting honesty only like 50% of the time and those odds are not good enough at all. i'm about to be 21. 4 years with this guy and i have zero trust in him. that's sad. i should have all the trust in the world in him. i had all my senses when i let him go that time a couple months ago, then i got sucked back in and now i'm so in love with the jerk and i feel right now that i need to get myself back out of this. i knew that when if i got back together with him this time, that it would be a bad idea. i just had this feeling in the back of my head, my heart, but i went for it anyway. now i don't know what to do. i am so fucking weak. lamar doesn't even care for me, but i keep sticking to him. he treats me like crap a lot of the time. this relationship i mean like crap and it's not gonna work out for me anymore.

and another thing. i've been practically begging lamar for an open relationship. for us to be able to be dating other people, but he refuses it. i feel so cheated. i think that he's doing it, so why don't we make it official, him stop being greedy and selfish, and we both can do it? that only seems fair. but no, we can't do that. with us being in a long distance relationship and for so long, i think the best thing for us would be to have an open relationship. we're both so young to be in a long distance relationship this long and having northing else. only seeing each other like 3 times a year.

ok, i'm gonna go now. i'm just going off over here because i'm so pissed and feeling so depressed right now. i probably wrote a lot of stuff that i'll regret later or that i might have to go back and delete...but i don't think i will. it's how i feel right now and i don't plan on going back and chaning anything. so...peace out bitches.

jenny "what the hell am i doing" jenn jenn