i had this dream that the game really liked me, but i kept shutting him down. and then i was sent to this one house and there was this lady there that was trying to rape me and turn me into a prostitute, but the game came in and saved me. after that, i was like, he's not so bad.

anyway, i've been thinking alot about this but scared to write it in my blog because of who reads it, but this is my blog and i can write whatever i want.

so i've been thinking about kissing daniel again. i've been thinking about it a lot too. i just called him for the first time since i moved to charlotte last week, after me and lamar broke up. i told him we broke up. but anyways, i really miss hanging out with him. he was fun. and funny. i think we need to get together soon and do something. he was one of my only friends. of course he was only my friend because he liked me, but i'll get what i can take.

ok, gonna go enjoy my last day at work before my three day holiday, so holla!

jenn

can't wait for the week to end. have fourth of july off, monday, so i'm gonna go home friday night, eat and shower, then go to sleep and don't wake up until tuesday morning. so i'm darned tired.

i hate asking people for help. but i had to call my dad and ask him to help out with my car. so i went and finally got the tags for it and got it registerd. now i can drive it...only if my brakes weren't fucked up. so i took it to a shop, have to pay $150 for inspection and new tires and then they were gonna charge $850 to fix my brakes. my dad is gonna take it today to get done all for less than $200. thanks god. hopefully i'll be driving in the next couple weeks, whenever the dude finishes my car.

so, anyway, gonna go back to work now. holla.

jennifer

what a day yesterday. i'm having a week. it's all f-ed up. i need sleep. car problems are a bitch. especially $850 car problems. gotta go work, holla!

jenn

all i'm gonna say today is...

maybe i made a mistake.

holla.

jenny

where did i go wrong? can't change the past. so where do i start. i won't go into details so i'm only gonna so that it's over for good. i'm done. me and lamar are no longer together and if i get my way, we never will be. i hate when people just walk all over me. it's so lame. but i need to concentrate on me now. i'm gonna stay single for a very very very long time, or try to anyways. i'm gonna start dating girls now though i think. i'm through with guys. who needs them right? i don't. yeah, dating a girl sounds fun. that sounds like a plan. hopefully it'll be a lot easier and a lot more fun.

anyway, that was just a bad period...a bad 3 1/2 year period in my life that's now over and i couldn't be more...relieved. i don't have to go through any more lies and bullshit. all the guys in my life were fucked up. i depeneded on them and loved them, but now i just HATE both of them. my dad and lamar. i can definately do without both of them. can make it just fine on my own. but it sucks that he...lamar...wasted so much of my time. i've spent over four years in two crappy relationships...lamar and daniel...only to have them fuck up and fuck up my whole situation. now i have to start all over. but i'm not gonna even go there again. and i am so so so so so glad i didn't give myself to those assholes. i would really be feeling stupid then. following your gut is so the best thing to do. so i'll guess i'll date around, but not get serious with anyone for a really long time then.

wow, this whole thing just has me so fucked up. some people are so lame and just needs to move on, which is what i'm doing with this last blog. after this blog, i won't keep rambling on about this whole fucked up situation anymore. i'm gonna throw it away. lock it out of my mind and out of my blog.

i wonder how many people read this blog anyways...i know at least two read it and a couple more read it occassionally, but whatever. my mind is wandering. had to come to the library to handle business this morning.

but i tell you what, changing the subject again, i know there's gonna be a huge bonfire on my patio tonight. a whole lot of shit is gonna get burned the fuck down. a whole lot of meaningless shit. it's meaningless now anyways. this situation is turning me into an even colder hearted bitch than i was...tried to be before. but it's gonna make me a strong cold hard bitch. and i'm ok with that.

whoever stays with the first person they fall in love with anyways? lamar is the first and now i know he won't be the last. there is no fucking way i'm ever gonna be with him again. he really fucked up and i hate him for it now. i really do. i went from loving him so much, him being the center of everything for me to hating him all in one fucking night. in a few fucking minutes. yep, it is possible. i know. it sucks too, but oh well, i will get over it after a while, like this weekend. with daniel, i didn't talk to him until a month after we broke up and i was so cool with him because he let me go before he even started cheating, which i respect. he was like 'jennifer, i love you, but i've been spending a lot of time with this person and want to try to make something happen with her. i want to break up with you.' that i respect. at the time, i was pissed off about it, but looking back, at least he told me when it happened and didn't string me along for 3 1/2 fucking years. (let's count the number of fucking profanities i use in this blog). but lamar. what an asshole. 3/12 fucking years. damn! such a waste. there were so many guys and instances where i could have done things, but being what i thought a girlfriend was supposed to do, i didn't do anything (except for the small 10 seconds of my life where i fucked up) but it was a small fuckup that i did. nothing like what he did. and he wondered why i didn't trust him or called him a liar!? ok.

the only thing that i'm gonna ask of my next girlfriend/boyfriend is that they just be honest with me. that's all i want, honesty. that is the number one most important thing that i NEED. and you know, i wasn't even sad when i realized that i had to let lamar go for good, i was just really angry. that's how i felt when daniel dumped me. not sad, just really pissed off. never got sad either. cold hard bitch. they wrote that song just for me i swear.

wow, i guess i write a lot when i'm upset. ok, continuing on...

i seriously just wanna pack up all my shit and just go somewhere where noone can find me. where no one can call me and just start all over. i just want to start everything all over. i am now on a serious job quest and i'm gonna start looking. i don't think i'll go back to school either. fuck that. fuck everything.

so what's next for jennifer...stay tuned! dun-dun-dun!!

peace out...

jennifer e. a.

you know, wearing my hear down feels so good. 99% of the time, i throw it up in a ponytail but every once in a while, i'll straighten it and it just makes me feel so much better. i get so much more attention. it's great.

so anyway, i had this NIGHTMARE last night.
i dreamt that i met up with crystal...roseboro. anyway, i asked her when the last time she hung out with lamar. she said they'd been going out for 17 MONTHS!!! i was like WHAT?!?! we've been dating for the past 3 1/2 years. what's really going on? do you guys visit eatch other? she said YES. WHAT?!?! do you guys make out? YES. WHAT?!?!? have you guys had SEX??? NO. wow. then we both decided to go see him, but we never found him. i was gonna kick his ass then kick her ass. but anyway, gotta go to work now.

holla!

jenn

wow, i haven't blogged in so long, but now i think i'll blog every morning before i start my work. a lot has happened in the past couple months. me and lamar broke up and got back together and broke up again because of this one heiffer, but we won't get into that.

i had a dream last night that my dad was this gay hairdresser and wanted to do my hair into this weird ponytail high up on my head.

my other dream was that i was walking and got home to discover that my feet were swollen. turns out these worms had gotten into my legs and i had to get my sister to pull them out. it was so gross.

anyway, going to work now. catch you tomorrow. peace.

jenn

i hadn't done this in a long while. what's up everybody.

well i moved out and now live in charlotte. don't live with my dad anymore. making it on my own and it feels sooo good.

anyway, i'll write more later, but as for now, i have things to do.

holla!!!

so me and my dad fell out...again. i don't even wanna talk about it.

i move in next week to my apartment. so excited. i'm supposed to be getting my license next week too. but we'll see what happens.

so me and lamar took that next big step a couple days ago...yep, we exchanged our email passwords. yep, i know that's what you all thought i was gonna say.

i'm jazzed about...nothing...just wanted to use the word "jazzed" in my blog.

so i'm gonna go to now, but first another...

STUPID QUOTE FROM SAM
(we were listening to some music and i was in another room and asked sam who was rapping on the song and she was reading from the tv and was like...)
"the notorious big"
-this girl actually said the word 'big' instead of saying b. i. g.

anyway, gotta go catch up on some sleep.

i'll holla!

today was a long day. my birthday is in next month. i'll be 20 on april 22. it's a friday. i'm gonna be so excited. not really gonna do anything special. maybe order myself a pizza and watch a good movie on cable. it'll be a friday so maybe me and sam will go do something. who knows.

anyways, i'm gonna go...gotta get up in the morning. so so tired now. my back really hurts. i was trying to life this really heavy bucket of water and just wore myself out. one more week and i'll be driving. thank god! i cannot not wait.

so i get my power turned on on the 21st and my cable turned on on the 26th. i get my license on the 21st too.

anyway, i just feel like i'm repeating myself.

oh yeah, there's a couple of bus drivers who keep tryin to holla. one is like really old and the other one is...well i don't really know how old he is, maybe late 20s, early 30s. i keep catching him staring at me. uh huh...anyways...gonna go call my boo now.

i'll holla!

so when i first got to charlotte, all these old dudes were tryin to holla. then all these young dudes tried to holla. now all the light skin dudes are tryin to holla. they holla in phases i guess. i guess next all the dark skinned guy are conna try to holla.

no, but there was this white guy at walmart who was tryin to holla. i said, hold up, be gone, i have a boyfriend.

there's this light skinned guy at big lots who hasn't tried to holla, but i know he's tryin to do something. he's a little older though and the last time i went to big lots to look at a bedroom set, he was there and was like, 'i hadn't see you in a long time, where'd you go?' i told him how i switched jobs and whatever. then i told him i'd come back in a couple weeks to get that bedroom set and he got all...eager. i asked him if they deliver and if i didn't have a boyfriend i would have asked him to personally deliver the mattresses if you know what i'm talking about. no, i'm just playing. but i'm pretty sure when i go there for the furniture, he's gonna try to hit up a phone number or sumthin.

yep, then there's this white guy from work. he's been really smiling a lot at me lately. ever since he saw this tattoo that i have, he's been just talking talking talking my head off. now i swear, i sat behind him for four months and he never said more than two words to me until this week when he saw the tat...now he just goes off. uh, huh, going international now.

anyways, enough of that. i had a really great long like five hour talk with lamar last night...i hadn't talk to him that long in forever...maybe never. just talking about all kinds of things but at 4:00, i was pretty much gone so i had to go...wish it could have lasted longer. really miss that boy. yep.

yeah, even though he's light skinned, i think i'll keep him. i think we can do some beautiful things together. to each other...wink wink.

so i've been trying to lose weight but its not really working out cause i can't stay away from the junk, the candy, the burger king. i try though. once i move into my apartment, i'll really try to discipline myself more and go to the gym at least three times a week. i'm gonna try anyways. yeah, i gotta do something. it's not like i'm getting really thick and fat...it's just that one little area under my belly button that's trying to stick out. i can't have that. and i have to work on my arms...i have no meat or muscle on my arms. can't even do one pull up. no upper body strength whatsoever...could never be on fear factor dangling from something caused i'd be the first to go.

here's a list a funny words that i always laugh to myself at when i hear them: coot, toot, dangle.

anyway, random thought.

and now i leave you with....

ANOTHER RANDOM THOUGHT FROM SAMANTHA
so we were talking about going to a parade...
jenny: yeah, so i might go to that parade on saturday, but i don't know. you wanna go sam?
sam: i don't know, depends on how much it costs.

she is really dumb.

i'm gonna go now. i'll holla!

so me and sam where sitting there watching jeopardy and this question came up:

category: farm math
question: georgia and north carolina's crops combine to make this percentage of the nation's strawberry's $50 million annual profit. (or something like that)
jenny: 6%?
sam: peaches?
that girl is really dumb.

anyway, so there's this guy from big lots....again. he's light skinned though. there's always a guy from big lots.

so there's this cop...from the bus station...there's always a cop.

so it looks like i'll be moving in a couple of weeks. i'm so excited...i gotta get my cable and power on, but after that the bachelorette pad will be open for business...if you know what i mean.

yep, doing big things now.

anyway, nothing to talk about. going to bad. try again tomorrow. holla!

sign that my little sister is growing up:

sam: is it raining outside?
jenny: yeah, you know what it's raining?
sam: no, what?
jenny: it's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men!
sam: well open up a window.

oh no that girl didn't! she's only 14! i could not stop laughing.

i haven't done this in a long while. but i think it's time to start this bad boy back up now that i'm starting big things.

so much has changed. i have my own apartment now. right now i'm getting it furnished and getting everything turned on so i can go ahead and move on in. i only have a living room set right now, but i'm working on things. i get my license two weeks from today...i'm gonna take the day off.

after that i'll be in my apartment. i can't wait.

so i'm just about done paying off ga state. 1000 down 2500 to go. after that i have to start saving up for fall semester at cpcc. after that i'm gonna save up for laser eye surgery so i won't have to wear glasses anymore. after that i'll save up for grad school. yeah, i definatlely have my priorities straight.

i think i'm going to new jersey in may to see lamar...if i don't have too many bills to pay that is. still haven't had the "S" yet, but we're working on it.

work is good. the money is good.

other than that...i'm just the same old jenny. ok, until tomorrow...

HOLLA!

christmas came and went. here's what i got:

a sweater way too big for me and an am/fm radio from my dad and mattie.
a trivial pursuit game board and a pair of watermelon earrings (the game board becuase i love board games and the earrings-i now have four pairs of watermelon earrings...can't ever get enough of those) from sam.
a skirt from josh that he let me pick out at the fashion bug for the discount price of two bucks.

and that's about it. i know, i am so lucky to get all this great stuff. it's what i've wanted all year long. yay!

anyways, yeah, i was being sarcastic. but whatever, i'm still kinda happy. this is what i got everybody:

this expensive hollographic caller-id globe for my dad and mattie.
a new pair of shoes for my dad cause he always wears these busted up joints that he threw away as soon as he got the new ones.
a pair of converse chuck taylor all stars shoes for josh.
a violin for sam cause she's been asking for one for a while.
and an unncessarily expensive coat for lamar, cause that's what my baby asked for.

after christmas, it was dinner at mattie's moms house. after that, a movie. my brother josh and our cousin shawn went to go see fat albert with josh's fat girlfriend. i don't know why he likes those ugly dark skinned fat girls, but i guess that's just what he likes. we all like different stuff i guess. me and sam saw lemony snickets. i thought it was gonna be good cause jim carey was in it and the previews looked good. it was such a waste of time. we should have seen darkness. oh well. now it's sunday and i have to go to work in the morning so good night.

jenny "what am i gonna do next" jenn jenn

less than a week left. i'm gettin nervous. the plane ride's gonna be scary too. especially after watching that show 'lost' every week.

anyway...i bought so many presents this year. i spent so much money. oh well, i'll just get it all back. i kinda like my job. the money anyways. looks like i might get back to school in january. i hope so.

my new years resolutions for 2005 are:
lose some weight
learn to swim
visit lamar more this year
get back to school
pay off georgia state
maybe move into my own apartment

yeah, that all sounds pretty good. i think i'll be able to do most of them anyway. well, tomorrow is christmas. i think i'll stay up and watch a few more movies with the family then head on off to bed. i gotta remember to pack this weekend too cause it'll be the only chance i have until thursday. ok, well, merry christmas and good night.

i'll holla!

jenny "pimpin" jenn jenn

i hate when people say stuff, but don't think of what they're saying first.

so i need to start registering for my classes for next month at cpcc but then i started thinking...i'm probably going back to atlanta, so why even bother? i should just wait till this summer, move back to atlanta with riche, get an apartment with her like we planned, get my job transferred over and my license transferred over to atlanta, and go back to georgia state for night classes and summer classes.

i don't know though, i have a lot to think about. i don't know what i really want.

anyways, i'm gonna go get a mcchicken now.

jenny "i'm rich bitch" jenn jenn

there's three things that i can't go without:

the mcChicken at mcdonalds
banana chips
hershey's cookies and mint candy bar

i can't get enough of them. i eat them like every day. anyway, i'm gonna go to bed now.

jenny "love that dollar menu" jenn jenn.

hey, when's subway getting that dollar menu? that's what i'm waiting for.

two weeks left.

anyway, it really looks like i'm going back to atlanta now. i heard some news and it looks like i need to go back home.

i don't know though. i don't know what to do.

you know, there are some really stupid people out there. at the bus station, i always catch this bus that goes down south boulevard aka "mexico city" and mexicans always get on the bus that don't speak english. well whenever they try to ask a question, these dumb guys always seem to think that if you call them 'amigo', then they'll understand anything you say.
'the bus goes to walmart'-man
'que?'-mexican
'the bus goes to walmart, amigo'-man
'oh, now i understand you'-mexican

not too bright.

i haven't seen my bus station friend lately. oh well. and the guy from proff at my job has moved to the exam department all the way across the room, but he still finds time to come by and 'visit'.

anyway, i'm going to work now.

jenny "what am i gonna do" jenn jenn

another three weeks before i get to see lamar again. i'm so excited. i can't wait to see him.

now that i got that out of the way...i need to get back to school really soon. i feel like i've been wasting a lot of time lately. i need to go ahead and move on to the next step in my life whatever that is.

and just something really random, i really wanna get laser eye surgery. after i get back to school, i'm gonna start saving up for it.

ok, well...me, sleep, bed, now. good night.

jenny "damn that bitch looks good" jenn jenn